The Most Amazing Year Of My Life........So Far!!!!!!

Well I have finally returned to the UK after having the most amazing year of my life.



I feel so so fortunate that I have had so many wonderful experiences this year,  met so many wonderful people, laughed and loved, prayed and deeply thought.
I have twisted and stretched on my yoga mat, smoked wacky backy crossed legged at the foothills of the Himalaya's, swam in the Ganges, eaten the spiciest  food and never got sick. learn't to love again and allowed someone to love me.
I worked in a rock bar, danced around the poles. learn't a few chords on the ukulele  and caught nits off the kitchen staff.
 Made love in the ocean and soaked up the sun, ran on the beach and learnt to stand on my head. I laughed till I wet myself and cried tears that had been stored in my heart for years.
I was bitten by a spider between the cheeks of my ass and was taken to a beautiful hotel by a beautiful man, were we swam in the pool and laughed in the sauna.
I felt God in my soul like never before and danced in the monsoon rain.
 I wore bindis and saris and got groped in a silk shop. I drank gallons of sweet chai and watched bodies burning in Varanasi.
I fell in love with a blond on a beautiful island, we drank G and T's in our hammocks and kissed under the stars. I baked bread in my undies and made dhal and chappati's.
I watched endless beautiful sunsets with  beautiful wonderful friends.
It truly was the best year of my life!!!!!

There has been so many wonderful moments this last year and I am so glad that my friend Emma told me to write this  blog, I looked through some of it today and I laughed so much at some of the things I have done and seen and I know how fortunate I am to have had such an incredible journey and I'm so chuffed that so many of you have wanted to hear about it and it has been a joy to share it with you.

When I left England last January it is safe to say I was a mess. I boarded my flight drunk and completely off my tits. I had been out for days previously partying and getting wasted.
 I was not happy for many months before I left, so many things had happened in 2011, horrible things and I was just drinking myself to death. It sounds exaggerated but as I look back now I can see that I really was in a very dark and dangerous place.

Going to India saved my life. You may think that that sounds over the top  but I know how I was, how I felt and I am so grateful that I left England and everything that was happening in my life and I was given such a wonderful opportunity to look at my life and to work out what I wanted and to learn how to live in happiness.

I spent my last few days in India in the city of Mumbai. I was dead excited about visiting Mumbai and I wasn't disappointed. I arrived there on Christmas eve,  I had travelled by train 15 hours from Goa. It was a beautiful journey. I boarded the train at 4.30am and watched the sunrise over the rice fields. It was the most glorious sunrise and the coconut palms looked so beautiful, just black silhouettes against the early morning sky.
 I was gutted really that I had to say goodbye to India. India for me is the most special place, it is for me like heaven on earth.
I know some people think it is a dirty, busy, polluted place and it is in some parts but there is something magical about India, it is so rich in love and spirit, it gives me a feeling inside that I just haven't felt before in any other country.

A friend of mine said that INDIA stands for I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN!!!!
which is hilarious but to me that is so not true. I know I will be back packing across India for the rest of my days. I love it.

I arrived in Mumbai about 5pm and shared a taxi into Colaba with an English man I had met on the train and his 2 young daughters. It turned out that they were from Brighton, they lived just a few minutes walk from were I lived in the lanes.
Chatting away to them on the train was great, his daughters were so beautiful and all of the Indian people on the train just couldn't help but stare at them with their bright blue eyes and their long blond hair, they looked like angels.
Dave was running a charity in the Mumbai slums, he and his daughters lived there for a few weeks every year. He raises money in the UK and donates it to the families that live in the slums to improve their very basic living conditions . His daughters were obviously very proud of him, they were telling me over our sweet tea how their Daddy helped all the poor people of India.

The taxi dropped me off right behind the Taj Mahal Palace Hotel. I was stopping at the very humble Carlton Hotel. My room was nicer than I thought it would be and the sheets were clean so I felt very lucky. I un-packed, showered and then went for a little walk.
The Gateway Of India was only a 2 minute walk away,  right in-front of the Taj Palace. It looked so beautiful all lit up in golden lights, it was dark but there were lots of people walking around, it was nice to walk along the sea front mingling with the other happy tourists and Indian families.

I wanted to find an Internet cafe so I could let everyone know I had arrived safely to Mumbai, the receptionist from The Carlton, Rama had told me that there was one just a couple of streets away so I headed in that direction. I noticed that a very tall skinny Indian man was behind me so I stopped walking and stepped in side a shop, but when I came back out he was still there watching me from the other side of the road. I then started walking and then he started following me again. I was a little scared, the horrific gang rape that had happened in Delhi a few days before  had been all over the news and I was a little on edge. I stopped again and he stopped and as I started walking again he again followed behind.
 I saw some young Indian's,  girls and boys sat on mopeds at the side of the road, they were wearing uniforms,  they looked like students.  I went straight over to them and told them I was being followed, the boys bless them jumped up straight away and ran after the man that I pointed out to them but he was gone from sight.  We were right outside the Taj Palace and one of the boys went over to the armed soldiers that guard the Taj Palace since the bombings and massacre that occurred there some years ago, to tell them what had happened.
They were all very kind and one of the soldiers even offered to escort me to and from the Internet shop,  but the thought of  being chaperoned through the streets of Mumbai with a soldier with his machine gun strapped to his chest was a bit too much so I said good night and went back to the safety of my room.

Christmas Day was one of the happiest I have ever had. You see I love my family very, very much but for some reason when you put us all in one room or house or even country at the same time some twat is bound to throw a wobbly and start an argument about something,  so I have spent most of my Christmas's at the other side of the world from them all.

I decided to go along to the Krishna Temple, Chowpatty,  Mumbai. It was a lovely day.
I sat through one of the lectures crossed legged on the floor with the Indian woman (I was the only western woman there)  while the men sat on the opposite side of the temple hall. The speaker was humorous and I was glad it was in English.
We then joined in Ararti and were given beautiful fresh flowers, I placed mine in my book to press and keep. It was such a beautiful place and I just wondered around the temple taking photos and enjoying the peace.
I had gone to  to India still wondering what religion I would follow but I returned knowing in my heart that the answer had been there for some time I just had to make those first brave steps.
I think the only way you can know what path is right for you,  is how it makes you feel in your heart and standing there in the Krishna Temple and watching the devotees floating around in their saffron and peach robes and listening to the lectures and chanting I felt complete joy. I felt like I had come home, like I belonged and everything made sense.

A friend of mine Chris who is himself a Krishna devotee gave me a book "The Journey Home" as a gift before I left for India. It is an amazing book, it is an autobiography of an American swami. Well the Temple in Mumbai is the place where the author Swami Radanath resides, that is why I wanted to go there because the book inspired me so much. Unfortunately Radanath Swami was overseas but the visit was no less amazing.

 I thought back to my life only a year before in England how I had woken up on Christmas morning still drunk and deeply depressed and how my life at that time was so full of hurt and pain and now here I was standing in the temple grounds surrounded by peace and love and people who were devoted to God. I felt so happy and I was sober and healthier than I had ever been. It was the best Christmas present ever to feel that peace.

I know you are probably thinking that OMG  we are going to see Jacqueline galloping up and down the high street with her robes and her tambourine and you may think that is crazy but I have lived so many different lives, in so many different countries and cultures and with so many different men and I have found now what I was always looking for and I know that a spiritual life is the only life for me.

Leaving behind the alcohol and partying is not easy and now and again I get drawn into it and my friends have arranged a welcome home party for me and I know there will be alcohol involved but I know now what is important to me and I realised in India that Brighton is the place were I want to settle. I have so many wonderful spiritual friends there and the Krishna temple is right there by the sea and there are so many like minded people that want to break away from the materialistic way of life. I'm not saying the transition will be all plain sailing but I have lived a very wild existence and I'm ready for some peace.
Of course I miss India terribly but I will always travel to India and next year I want to do my Yoga teacher training there, but for the first time in my life I know where I want to be, I know what I want and the kind of relationship I deserve and I know I have to cut some ties with some people that can no longer be part of my new  life and that is hard,  but if you want to change your life for the better there is no point only changing your playground you have to change your playmates.

I had tears in my eyes as I boarded my flight from Mumbai  to England but I also was happier than I had ever been in my life. I was at the end of the most amazing year of my life and of course that was sad but knowing what I want and where I want to live and what spiritual path I want to follow, having all of that knowledge keeps me strong.

I have been back now just a couple of weeks and things have been really good. I have spent time with my family who I love so much especially my niece who I missed more than I could have ever imagined...seeing her again was the best thing about coming home. I am so looking forward to getting to know my nephew who was only 6 months when I left.
I start work In February and hopefully will be moved down to Brighton within the next couple of months. I'm looking forward to summer by the sea and building a new happy life for myself.

Thank you all so much for reading my blog over the last year, I have enjoyed writing it so much and I hope you have had a giggle or two along the way.

I wish you all,  what we all deserve, health, happiness and peace of heart

Happy New Year

Jacqueline x x x

Hare Krishna

Marianne Of The Taliban

I can only imagine what you must be thinking after reading the title of this blog, but I can honestly say that I have not changed my name and I have not joined the Taliban.

I also hope you don't think it is in bad taste but I had to write this blog because I met the most wonderful woman in Goa India and her story is so incredible that it just had to be told.
Her name is not actually Marianne but it does rhyme with Marianne but I had to change her name to protect the guilty if you get what I mean.
Also I did say in my last blog that I would write and tell you if anything exciting happened in my last couple of weeks here in India and  for me meeting Marianne has definitely been a highlight of my trip and brought me so so much happiness that I just wanted to tell you about her.

I met Marianne one morning on the beach in Patnem.
Patnem is about a 20 minute walk along the coastline from Palolem. It is a lovely walk through the fishing village of Collom, over the rocks and along the beach, it is a lovely walk early in the morning when the fishermen are pulling in their boats and picking their nets. Even though I am a vegetarian I can still appreciate how beautiful it is to see the fisherman working away happy with their catch so they are able to feed their families.

By the time I reached Patnem it was about 8.30am. I don't really know the village so I just sat on a sun lounger outside a restaurant that looked pretty. I couldn't even see the name of the place, there was no sign or anything but it was wonderfully decorated, it had huge white light shades and soft cushions and pretty purple seats and the waiter that came over and said good morning was friendly and cute and welcoming, so I decided to stay.
I ordered a coffee and started to put my sarong on my lounger, getting myself comfy and settled.
As I was applying my sun cream a lady who I thought to be in her 50's with a beautiful crop of white hair came over and smiled and sat a couple of beds down from me. I smiled back and said hello and we started talking. To be honest I never really talk to other tourists while on the beach and it's funny because she later told me that she doesn't either, but very soon we were chatting away and she was so funny ad chirpy.

We talked for hours that morning, she was telling me how she was staying with her daughter and son in law and their children further north in India in a place called Pune for 4 months. Marianne's daughter is married to n Indian man, well his father is Indian and his mother is English. Marianne is actually from Amsterdam but was invited by her daughter to spend some time in India over the Christmas Holiday and she jumped at the chance
There are so many parts of Marianne's life story that brought me to tears and others that made me howl with laughter but it is her story and I believe it should be told by her. I am actually trying my hardest to convince her to write a book  about her life because it really is such a beautiful, wild, adventurous, outrageous story, maybe one day she will allow me to write it with her....I will keep working on that.
I am only going to briefly touch on her story in this blog.

So Marianne actually came to India for the 1st time in the early 70's. I was completely envious when I heard this because I would have loved to have lived then and been one of those 1st hippie traveller's to hit the road without a map or a mobile phone or a laptop, just to hit the road with just your dreams and your excitement.
She told me how how her and her boyfriend who later became her husband travelled from Amsterdam, hitchhiking and busing and walking all the way across the Continent through Afghanistan, Nepal, Morocco and India.

She told me how her boyfriend was so confident and she felt so safe with him as they travelled together and I thought how lucky she had been to have a good man with her keeping her safe.

She told me about travelling through Afghanistan and all the people they had met all the different foods she tried and all the marijuana they smoked and how everyone would stare at her with her long legs and blond hair. I was fascinated by her tales of Nepal, she said it was so beautiful and they walked slowly up through the mountains with only tennis shoes and a small bag each. Marianne explained how they learnt to say 'Food please' & 'bed please' in Nepalese because if people didn't take them in for the night they would have frozen to death in the mountains.
Anyway the part of her story that I want you to tell you about is how her and her boyfriend ended up smuggling hashish through Afghanistan, Pakistan and then back to Amsterdam.

Before Marianne and her boyfriend left Amsterdam they were friends with an English man. Marianne's boyfriend would sell hashish  that this English guy  had smuggled into the country from Afghanistan.  They had no idea that this man was overseas but they actually bumped into him one day in the street in Afghanistan....can you believe it??? well I can because that kind of shit happens to me all the time.

The English guy was gutted when he saw them because he was actually leaving that day with a  load of hashish that was stashed in the roof of his brightly coloured double decker bus.  He was hoping to sell it in Amsterdam through Marianne's boyfriend. He knew he could trust them and he did not want to go through anyone else.
 Anyhow The English guy convinced Marianne and her boyfriend to go back to Amsterdam where he would be waiting for them with the hashish. They would make a hell of a lot of money out of the deal that would pay for another trip and a car so they decided to do it. Marianne's boyfriend decided that they too should smuggle some hashish back to Amsterdam with them been as they were going back anyway.

As I am sure you can imagine my jaw had dropped to the sand whilst listening to a 63 year old woman tell me this story but I was transfixed and urged her to go on. (She bloody didn't look anything like 63 years of age and she wasn't talking like your average woman in her sixties either)

She told me how they had gone to the market and bought 2 holdalls and then had taken them to a tailor and had the tailor make a deep base in each bag, like a hidden compartment. This is were they put the kilos of hashish hidden away in the base of the bags. They also had special shoes made so they could pack the sole with more hashish.

So off they went to the airport in Afghanistan, they didn't fly from Kabul as they were told security was too tight their so they booked flights from a quieter smaller airport. Once at security men and woman are separated and Marianne stood in line waiting for her bag to be searched.
At this point I spilt my coffee all down myself because I could only imagine how she must have been feeling standing there at the security check point in Afghanistan up to the tits with hashish.

 I was sat there on my sun lounger with my heart thundering in my chest thinking how bloody crazy this story was, I mean when I am standing at the security point in an airport I am panicking in case I have a nail scissors is in my hand luggage or I have a liquid that is over 100 ml  and there was Marianne In Afghanistan in the 1970's with the soles of her shoes and the  base of her holdall crammed to the rafters with Afghani grade 1 hashish....nightmare. She explained that she felt really calm which I was amazed at she said because her boyfriend was so calm it made her feel calm.

She was called over by a young hansom security guy and he opened her bag and began searching through it, all the time looking up into Marianne's pretty eyes and smiling at her (it was a good bloody job she was a good looking leggy blond because she would have probably been for the guillotine). He zipped her holdall shut and handed it to her but as she went to take it he held on to it and again looked her straight in the eye. With the other hand he tapped the 2 inch base of the bag and said  "and in here madame, anything you wish to declare"  to which she just calmly said "no sir" and he smiled at her and let her go.
 Can you bloody believe it, he knew that there was something in it, he knew and he let her go.
 Marianne then went on to tell me that she made her way straight through to were her boyfriend was waiting who had also been through security and allowed to pass. She said they were so pleased and excited but they played it cool and made their way to their flight. I can not really remember exactly how the story went but basically the flight had to make a diversion because of a technical fault so they had to land in Pakistan  they were seriously worried about this as they knew they would have to pass again through security and they knew that they had been so lucky so far and even though they had been allowed to pass through security the security staff had known what they were doing.

Marianne and her boyfriend had to stay over night in a hotel that the airline had provided. The entire passengers on the flight were escorted to a nearby hotel for the night.
Once in the hotel they decided that they had to get rid of the bags that it was far too risky to attempt to smuggle the hashish in them again so they cut the bags open removed the hashish and burnt the bags late that night. They then decided that the only way to carry it was on their bodies. They left what was in the soles of their shoes there as they hoped that would be ok.
So in the morning both feeling nervous about the checks that would be carried out in Pakistan they began the task of strapping the hashish to each others bodies. Marianne told me that they used crepe bandages from their first aid kit. They both had a package strapped to their chest and back and a package between both thighs.
Once at the airport,  again they had to wait in line to be searched, again they were separated.
Marianne was escorted by a female officer behind a screen were she was told to raise her arms. The female officer then passed a metal detector down the front of Marianne's body and then down her back. Of course  no alarm sounded  because she wasn't smuggling anything metal like guns,  she was smuggling Hashish.

What Marianne told me next almost floored me...I had to order another coffee because I had spilt most of the last one.
The female officer then began to search over Marianne's body with her hands. She started with her arms and then with her hands in the prayer position ran her hands down the front of Marianne's chest....then their eyes met, "what is this madame"......................
And then of all the things I thought Marianne would do or say she calmly said "Hashish"

The female officer did not continue with the body search as she would have found the packages between her thighs that due to the heat must have surly started to let off some aroma. The officer stood and looked at Marianne in the eyes "do you eat it" she said. "No I smoke it"  replied Marianne. "Oh us woman here like to eat it, it is better for the health" and with that it was done. She pushed Marianne out from behind the screen and as her hand touched Marianne's back it touched the other packet of Hashish that was strapped there. Marianne whispered  "thank you" and the woman nodded..."Don't stand with your male friend, stay away from him until you are on the flight".
Marianne did as she was told and hoped her boyfriend had been as fortunate. Just as the flight was boarding that female officer walked past Marianne and winked at her, and then Marianne was free and boarded the flight and flew home to Amsterdam.

Marianne also told me how when she had first saw the female officer she had judged her, she thought she looked like a bit of a bitch, like she was on a power trip, you see Marianne was a hippie and watching this woman in uniform strutting about and ordering people this way and that really pissed her off, but there you go you really should not judge anyone. I know we all do, and I know I am terrible sometimes judging others but if that officer had really been a bitch Marianne could have received  life in prison or even the death sentence.

I spent about five days with Marianne and as I waved goodbye to her as she left for the train station for her train back to Pune I thanked God that we had met. She had told me so many incredible things about her life which was touched with such heart ache and pain and also so much love,  real deep love. She is a wonderful woman and a real inspiration to me and I know we will have contact forever.
She has invited me to Amsterdam and we plan to see the city, taking in the sights, cycling around and sipping coffee and eating cakes by the canals and I can't wait.

Thank you Marianne of the Taliban
 ( a name given to her by one of her friends when she returned from Afghanistan and told her smuggling story to him)...
You are a wonderful soul, you gave me so much love and advice and you opened my eyes to so many things....your one hell of a special bird x




So I hope you all enjoy Marianne's wee story...I will let you know when she writes her book ; )

Drink Pray Love!!!!!!!

Well It has been so long since I have written, months in fact but my year trip ends in a couple of weeks so I knew I had to get my arse in gear and get writing before I have to return to England and I wake up from this beautiful dream.

The thing is so much has been going on in my life,  I feel I have lived many different lives in only one year.  I  was so busy working in the Rock bar that I just didn't find the time to write and then I was in a relationship for a while and was living with a man out in the sticks in Cambodia in the countryside in a little village were there was no internet access.
 Anyway here I am now,  I am single again and I'm not working and I am going to be bumming around on the beach  for a couple of weeks before I return home to the UK so I now have the time to fill you in on everything that has been going on in the world of Jacquelina.

At present I am back in Goa, Palolem India, the very place I began my trip almost a year ago. I didn't really plan it that way it just evolved that way but now I am here I know at this moment in time there is no other place in the universe I am supposed to be.
I was initially in India for 6 months but due to visa restrictions I had to leave the country after 6 months and was not able to return for 2 months. Those are the rules, if they were not then believe me I would have stayed in India because I had been so very very happy.

 In the end though I decided to go back to Cambodia, I had lived there for 10 months about 3 years previously so I have friends there and I wanted to see them again.
Cambodia has a funny way of wriggling into my heart though, I was only going to stay for a month or two but ended up staying for four. The Khmer people are lovely and so much fun and very quickly I had all these emotional ties with people and it was hard to say good bye.

So the last time I wrote I was telling you about working in the rock bar in Cambodia on Otres beach. That was a lot of fun most of the time but unfortunately of course it steered me off the sober and spiritual  path that I had been on in India.
I stopped doing my yoga which had been such a big part of my life for six months because I was working all the time and when I was't working I was too tired to do anything.  It was impossible to do the daily meditation I had got into the habit of doing with rock music blasting up through the wooden ceiling straight into my room above the bar so gradually I felt that all of the spiritual steps I had taken forward were beginning to turn around in reverse.

I sometimes would be working until 4am and I was drinking again too, I guess that is to be expected when you work in a bar, you have to drink with the customers to create that fun atmosphere, but while I was creating a fun atmosphere for them I was taking myself further and further away from were I really wanted to be and from the peace I had finally found within myself.

I was just worn out and I found myself feeling lost and tired and really down at times. The absence of my daily meditation and yoga made me feel like I was only there in body that my spirit was lost in limbo somewhere.  I missed India terribly and the spiritual life I had had there. It was during this time that I met many people that cared for me and to them I am so grateful for the love they gave me, but I felt like I was loosing myself and I knew I had to leave.
I did have some great great time's though, I met some wonderful people and laughed and danced and fell head over heels in love with the Cambodian staff that worked at the bar, they became my family. We would laugh so much together chasing each other around the kitchen and playing jokes on each other, they really were my family for those two months and I will love them forever, the Cambodian staff and Vonya were the reason I stayed there so long.

 Vonya is one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met but  unfortunately her business partner an American man did not turn out to be all that he had pretended and his nasty side was the main reason why I left in the end. He was cruel to the Cambodian staff at times and it was horrible to watch. He would shout at them in front of the customers and order them around like they were his slaves which I thought was disgusting as he is a guest in their country.  I was working without a salary and I was working hard and in the end even though I was grateful for a free room,  food and drinks I felt I deserved some kind of salary, I bloody worked my arse off day after day and wasn't given a penny.

Now that I have left that situation I know for sure that I was supposed to work there, there were lessons that I needed to learn and as always for me I only learn the hard way.
The man I worked for reminded me of my Father in so many ways, the way his mood and temper would effect the whole energy of the place and the people in it.  The way we were all scared of what mood he would wake up in and we would try to keep out of his way while he banged around, smashing things and shouting at people.
I had to face those old demons and I had to try to find a way of not letting him make me feel nervous and on edge all the time. I had to dig deep inside to realise that someone else's behavior can only hurt me if I allow it too and that if they are angry or horrible it does not mean that I have to take that on board, that is there shit. I learnt to surround myself with a protective light that he and his moods could not penetrate but it was exhausting and I just wanted to be as far away from him as possible.
 I know many people that will read this will know this man and I really am sorry if what I have said hurts your feelings but it is all the truth,  I lived there in that bar for two months and I saw it all.
I wish him no harm and from me there is no bad feeling but I know now I only want to surround myself with people that are good and make me happy and make other people happy . In fact  I'm grateful to him for making me face those old demons and making me realise the kind of people I want in my life and the kind of people I do not.

Otres beach in Cambodia is a beautiful place and I am so so glad that I spent so many months there.
I was not looking for love or a relationship but that is what I found. The special man I met is a very private person so I wont say his name but our time together was wonderful. I guess you are wondering why then I am in India and he is in Cambodia and we didn't live happily ever after,  but for both of us it is quite simple really, we met,  we  loved,  we had fun,  we helped each other, we healed each other in many ways and then we realised that we wanted different things from life. We wanted to have different lifestyles and we wanted to be in different countries.
Most westerners that live in Cambodia own or work in bars. Everyone drinks and most people are stoned all day every day and I am not judging anyone for how they choose to live their life because God knows I have partied for years but I learnt in India that I just don't want to do that anymore, it always just ends in tears for me. I have seen so many people pass through Cambodia and I have seen the place chew them up and spit them out and I was not going to allow that to happen to me.
 I was sad when the relationship ended and I know he was too, there was no big fight or nasty words we both just knew it had to end before we started resenting each other and hurting each other,  so one day we talked about it and I just stood up and packed my things and we hugged and I left.
I feel so very grateful to him for welcoming me into his home, a beautiful wooden house on stilts on a river. When he asked me to move in he knew how exhausted I was after working in the rock bar and he said he wanted me to have somewhere to feel safe and relaxed and his home became my home and for a short time I was happier than I had been in a very long time.
I used to wake early in the morning and do yoga on the balcony watching the sunrise over the mangroves. He would wake and make us breakfast and we would laugh and talk. I told him everything about my life and he said he wanted to help me and he did, more than he will ever know.
He made me realise that I can love someone again and I can let someone into my heart and relationships don't always have to be full of fights and lies. It is the first relationship I have had in years and it is one I will hold in my heart forever.
We still talk now and again on the phone and every time we do we laugh and laugh and that is what was so good about our relationship we laughed and laughed and laughed, we laughed until we cried. I believe laughter is one of the greatest healers and we were both a little sad when we met and I know we are happier now because of what we shared.

During this time I met a beautiful girl, young and blond and wild. We became very close and I think maybe that was hard for him to see, to be honest I think he was jealous. She was the only girly friend I had really on Otres to talk too and have drinkies with. We had a wonderful time together and we love each other dearly and we misbehaved terribly but it was all wonderful fun and I don't regret a thing.
She is wild like me, she smashed her front teeth out one night whilst dancing around a pole in a club drunk, but to me she was a breathe of fresh air, vibrant and gorgeous the kind of girl that people just want to be around, just fun loving and happy we were like two peas in a pod or rather two slappers in a hammock!!

We went off to a beautiful island together and slept in hammocks strung between the palm trees and swam naked in the ocean under the stars, sipped cocktails on our little private beach (thank God it was private) and giggled and laughed like only girls can do together. We were only supposed to go for one night but we were in paradise and we were having so much fun that we just didn't want to go back to the main land and face the music so we waved goodbye to the boat in the morning that we were supposed to be on and ordered two more G&T's from the bar. I know now that this was not fair on my boyfriend. I was in a relationship with a lovely man and I know I hurt him but I also know that my relationship with that man was not supposed to last forever. That doesn't make what I did right or fair but it is what it is.

When we broke up I went to stay with one of my best friends Roxy who also lives in Cambodia.  Roxy has always been there for me over the years, she has wiped more tears from my cheeks than a midwife has wiped babies bottoms.
She is younger than me but she has always been stronger and wiser. I don't think I have ever seen her cry. She is so together and confident and I know I am truly blessed that she has taken care of me so many times when I have ended up once again in the gutter.

We met years ago in Greece were we worked as holiday reps for Thomson for two years together. We had an amazing time in Greece. We used to dance on every bar in town, in fact we would walk in to a bar and the bar men knowing us so well would just pick us up and put us on the bar and then they would play Anna Vissi our favourite Greek singer while we danced and pranced to hopefully the delight and not disgust of the crowd.
Once we actually fell of the bar backwards in-to the bottle bin, thank God that it had just been emptied. I am sure to this day that it was Roxy that fell and then pulled me down with her but she insists it was me, we still laugh about that twelve years later.
 Then years later we met again in Egypt. I was working at the airport in Luxour,  I was meeting a flight from Manchester and in she walked with her Dad into the arrival hall, I could have fainted on the spot.
Then even more years later whilst travelling around South East Asia I walked into a restaurant in Cambodia with some friends and a scream came from a table in an unmistakable  Rochdalle accent..."Oh my God It's Queen Jacqueline" and there she was again.
We are just meant to be in each others lives I guess. We arranged to meet once in Manchester when we were both in England but all of our other meetings around the world have been orchestrated by the forces of the universe and you can't argue with that, can you?

I was down for a few days after I split up with my boyfriend and I did what I always used to do if I was down,  I drank myself into a stupor. I drank all of Roxy's Bombay Sapphire and half a bottle of  baileys and cried my self to sleep soaking poor Roland Rat for the millionth time in his life. In the morning I cried again in to my coffee with Roxy looking on. She is a proper no nonsense northern lass and she was having none of that behavior.  We talked things through and she put me back together again and sent me on my way happily to Phnom Penn.

Phnom Penn is the capital of Cambodia and I had to go there to apply for an Indian visa. To be honest if I had a pair of balls I know the whole saga would have given me a ball ache beyond repair because President Obama was in town on official human rights business and the King of Cambodia had just died RIP so trying to get across the city to the Indian Embassy was like pissing in the wind.

I ended up staying ten days in the city. Lots of things happened,  there were good days and bad. I got to see my old friends Brad, Laura and Alex who I had worked with on Bamboo Island just of the south coast of Cambodia Three years previously so that was a lot of fun. Brad, Laura and I drank lots of cheep beer and laughed our socks off and watched episode after episode of the Sopranos to the point were Brad started talking to me and Laura in a strange Italian mafioso accent.

I did meet some lovely people in Phnom Penn.  I met a  lovely Greek man one afternoon in my hotel, he had the most beautiful eyes the colour of the Aegean sea and it made me realise when I heard him talk English in his sexy Greek accent that my days with Greece are not over. We talked and laughed and it was so nice to talk in Greek again it had been so long since I had spoken any Greek words and I loved that afternoon just sat talking with him. I want to go back to Greece one day, I lived there for about four years and I loved it. maybe I will take my Momma on a holiday there in the summer she always loved it too, but there will be no dancing on the bars and falling off in-to bottle bins this time of course.

 Also I met a young man from Norway, I have never seen any one as beautiful in my life, he was like the most gorgeous creature on earth. He was tall and had a wonderful body all toned and muscular and he was golden brown with blonde hair and blue eyes, he had just the most beautiful face and really white perfect teeth, he was just completely gorgeous.We had a great time together, drank lots of beer and laughed and laughed.  He was only young about 23 I think but he was very mature and kind and sincere.
 I was telling him about the work my brother is doing in Ghana Africa, he is running a project for street children providing them with a safe place to live and go to school.  He said he wanted to do some volunteer work and was interested in what my brother was doing which impressed me because most young lads today just want to go out and get drunk and laid and especially the ones that look as good as he does, but he wanted to dedicate his time to helping others and that just made him even more beautiful in my eyes. .

 I did have a bit of a emotional melt down at one point whilst in Phnom Penn, I just started to think about how I was going to have to go back to England soon and I would have no money, no job and the relationship that I thought was the one I had been looking for all my life was over,  but my dear friends, Brad, Laura, Hana and Alex rallied round to take care of me and to them I am so so grateful.

A wonderful surprise came my way whilst I was in Phnom Penn.
My favorite travelling buddy ever who now  lives in Vietnam came to Phnom Penn on a stag do. It was a miracle really as I was due to leave the day before he was due to arrive and would have just missed him but he saw on face book that I was in Phnom Penn and called me at my hotel and told me to delay my plans for a day so we could meet up so I did. It meant I would be over staying my visa by 1 day but I just hoped it would  be ok.
 I went out for dinner with him and all the boys and we drank expensive wine and ate delicious French food and reminisced about our travels together through Laos and Cambodia 3 years previously.
He hadn't changed at all even though he is now married with two children. He is still full of life, vibrant and full of mischief and I adore him so much.
We only had about four hours together as I was catching the night bus to Thailand.  We hugged goodbye and the cheeky bugger gave me a slap on the arse as I walked away (just for old times sake I guess).
I watched him and his friends stumbling off towards the strip clubs of Phnom Penn and I was really tempted to sack the bus off and go with them but my sensible side told me that would not have been a good idea.
I boarded the bus to Bangkok plastered on expensive red wine and slept like a baby for the whole journey.

I woke up 15 hours later at the Thai border,  hung over, severely dehydrated with my face stuck to the window,  dying for the loo.
I nearly burst into tears when I was marched off by two serious looking military men in beige uniforms and hats with guns slung over their shoulders  to a dark musty smelling office with an angry looking man sat behind a huge desk covered in papers, overflowing ashtrays and dirty coffee cups.
I stood there shitting myself trembling like I was guilty of smuggling heroin into the country,  not knowing what on earth was going to happen to me,  but I knew one thing for certain I didn't want to end up face down on that desk covered in coffee and fag ash and Thai sweat.
They searched every page of my passport and waffled on in Thai for what seemed like forever and then one of them turned to me and said "You over stay your visa madame, $100 madame please".  I was horrified and petrified,  I had hardly any  money on me at all, just a few dollars until I got into Bangkok and went to the ATM.   Then he said "Only joking madame, only $5 today"  and then he laughed. I was stunned and relieved and fumbled around in my bag searching for $5. I paid them the $5 and got my ass out of their as fast as I could across the border.

Another wonderful surprise came my way when I arrived in Bangkok.
It always makes me smile how the universe conspires to bring people together just like it had for me and Roxy so many times and for me, Brad Laura, Alex and my friend from Vietnam.

My dear friend Tommy who I have always called Alexander super tramp from the movie Into The Wild due to the fact that he looks like the actor in the movie and he lives his life pretty much the same way,  was arriving into Bangkok from Jersey that very day.
It's incredible because if my friend from Vietnam had not asked me to stay another day in Cambodia to see him I would have left the day before and I would have arrived in Bangkok the day before Super Tramp and missed him by 24 hours.
Alexander Super Tramp had seen one of  my face book status's saying I was leaving Cambodia and was on my way to Thailand so he messaged me and told me to find him. To be honest it is easy to find someone in Bangkok you just head for Kho San Rd and scan the bars.

There I was walking down Kho San with my back pack on,  sweating like a water buffalo in the same clothes I had on for 24 hours when I spotted him running towards me from an Irish bar. It was so good to see him. I met Super Tramp on Otres beach in Cambodia and we were friends from the second we met. He is a lovely boy, very gorgeous but he has such a sweet heart. He left Cambodia suddenly because he was ill. He had been to the clinic and they told him he had yellow fever or something and pumped him full of drugs. They wanted to charge him hundreds of dollars for treatment which he couldn't afford so he decided to go home to Jersey. I was gutted when he left,  he came to see me at the rock bar to say good bye and he was shaking and pale and had tears in his eyes. I felt such a pain in my heart I really care for him so much, I just want to take care of him whenever I am with him.
Anyway he flew home and went to the hospital and had loads of tests done and there was nothing bloody wrong with him. To be honest I knew that and I told him as much when I saw him. I knew he had been partying hard, drinking lots and all that goes with that. I knew he was exhausted,  he had burnt himself out, I could see the signs,  I have seen them enough times in the mirror myself. He was emotionally wrecked and exhausted and he just needed to go home to his Mom for some TLC.
 I was so happy when he wrote to me telling me he was ok and we said that we hoped we would meet again some day and thanks to the universe and it's magic we did.

We only had 24 hours together but every moment was full of fun, laughter with a little debauchery thrown in.  Super tramp is a lot like me. He loves people. We were sat just the two of us one minute and then he was off talking to some guy who was sat alone inviting him to our table then I was off talking with a group of girls and before we knew it there was about 15 of us sat around a table drinking and laughing and taking crazy photos.
Super tramp is a very special soul, he lives his life like the littlest hobo, just moving from place to place, making friends,  people just fall hopelessly in love with him and then he moves on.  I see so much of my wandering ways in him and I think that is why we get along so well. We talk a lot about the places we have been and the places we still want to see and I have to say he has the loveliest  peachiest bottom I have ever seen in my life (I took a quick peek as he was getting out of the shower and gave it a cheeky slap, I just couldn't resist).

I was gutted saying goodbye to Super Tramp, but I know I will see him again. He hugged me so tight and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying and then he turned around and ran off back down Kho San Rd.  I watched him running through the crowds of back packers and street vendors and I thought how wonderful it is to be so young and free and I am so grateful that like Super Tramp I have been so blessed to have had such a wonderful life travelling around the world. I will always pray for him and care for him and help him if he ever needs me. I know we will be friends forever.

I was so excited to be going back to India even though it meant saying goodbye to some very wonderful friends. I just knew it was time for me to go. I knew the whole back packing South East Asia thing with all the beer and joints and bongs and what have you was over for me. I'm 38 years old for Christ sake I have been there and smashed the life out of  that lifestyle for years.

So I left Thailand  to make my way back to India. I flew to Chennai otherwise known as Madras, it is in south India. I decided that because I only had a few weeks left of my trip not to go north to Rajastan as I had planned,  but to go back to Goa were I had started my trip a year ago and chill on the beach. I know India will always be here. I know I will be coming back for the rest of my life, so all of the places I didn't see this time I can see some other time. India is in my blood now and I will return again and again.

Chennai by all accounts is a shit hole. Sorry to anyone that comes from there but as it says in The Rough Guide, Chennai is dirty, hectic, over populated by millions and most people just stay there long enough to buy a train or bus ticket to get the hell out of there.
 The hotel I was staying in was a dump. I hadn't pre-booked anything but I got talking to some American people on my flight who had booked rooms in a guest house so they said I could jump in a taxi with them so I did. We could not believe the state of the place when we arrived it was horrendous but it was midnight and we certainty were not about to go walking around the dark streets of that hideous town looking for alternative accommodation.

My room was like a prison cell in a torture camp, no windows, no pillow and no bed sheets. The paint was peeling off the walls and the floor was filthy. The bed was made of rotting wood, I could hear the termites biting away at it and the mattress was half an inch thick and covered with stains, white stains red stains and brown stains. It looked like some body had died of dysentery on it.  I just could not bring myself to go any where near it I was sure it would have bed bugs at the very least.
So I sat all night on a metal folding chair in the middle of the room fully dressed waiting for the sun to rise so I could get the hell out of there. It was the longest night of my life, I was eaten alive by mosquitoes and I felt really bloody sorry for myself.
I had planned to make my way across the country to Goa by train and bus which would have taken 2 days in all but to be honest after a night sat upright in a chair and travelling from Cambodia to Thailand on a 15 hour bus journey and then partying with Super tramp in Bangkok I was bloody exhausted. I had traveled through three country's in three days so I made my way back to the airport and bought a flight ticket to Goa for about 80 quid and saved myself a lot of bloody hassle and stress.

It was wonderful arriving in Goa again. The air was fresh and the sun was shinning  and it brought back all those great memories of touching down in India for the first time 11 months before.
The taxi driver lent me his mobile phone and I called Dinesh  the owner of the guest house I had stayed in when I had arrived in India in January. I told him I was in a taxi on my way and he was so shocked and surprised. Dinesh and his wife came to meet me and brought me to their guest house were I was given the same room as I had had on my last visit. It felt so magical to be back in the same place, I couldn't stop hugging them, I knew I had made the right decision not to go north  to Rajastan because I would have spent the last few weeks of my trip, trudging through the scorching dessert, travelling on trains and buses and carrying a heavy bag and just being stressed out.

I showered and changed as quickly as I could because I just couldn't wait to see everyone again. It was incredible to be back on Palolem beach it is the most beautiful beach in Goa and probably in all of India.
 All of the friends I had made in the restaurants and shops came out to say hello and greet me. It was so wonderful, I was so happy to see them all again and to see the complete surprise on their faces. When you love a place and love the people you always say you will go back but life takes you down so many different roads (well mine does anyway) and very often even though you always planned to go back you never actually do.
So for me I felt completely blessed and grateful to God that his will had taken me back again to the first friends I had made in India. It was incredible to smell the incense wafting out of the little shops and to see the beautiful Indian ladies in their colorful saris and I thought my heart would explode with happiness.

For the last few days I have been up at the crack of dawn, running on the beach, watching the sunrise over the coconut palms and doing Yoga. I feel so much better, I feel happier than I ever felt in Cambodia or Thailand. For me India is were I am the most at peace, the most settled within myself. I love the spirituality of the place, I just don't get that feeling in Cambodia. I don't think anywhere in the world will ever top India for me, it just makes me so happy every day. I know now that if I had of stayed with my boyfriend in Cambodia I would have ended up resenting our relationship because my heart is here in India. I don't drink alcohol in India either as I am always up early for Yoga so for me it is just a really healthy life style completely different to the kind of life I was living whilst working in that Rock bar.

I only have a couple of weeks left and I'm trying hard not to even think about England and how that place makes me feel because I just want to enjoy every moment of this paradise and live in the present.
I will be travelling to Mumbai on the 23rd Dec and then I fly to the UK on the 26th. I'm looking forward to having a few days in Mumbai, I stopped off there on a flight once but never saw the city so I'm looking forward to checking it out and watching a Bollywood movie and visiting the bizzar's.
It will be strange to spend Christmas day on my own in Mumbai eating Dahl and chapattis but my life has never been just the run of the mill normal and I'm grateful for that. I wouldn't know how to do normal if I tried. I'm really looking forward to it to be honest, there is an Ashram I really want to visit in Mumbai so I think my days there will be interesting. Christmas day with my family usually goes haywire anyway so I'm quite happy to spend it alone.

So,  I will let you know if any life changing events happen over the next couple of weeks that would mean I don't have to ever leave.  You never know I could be starring in a Bollywood movie or married off to a tuk tuk driver by this time next week.

That's what I love about India,  miracles happen every day.


Much Love & Merry Christmas

Jacqueline x

Rocking Out In The Moonlight

Hi everyone, I hope you are all well and happy. Sorry it has been so long since I have written but getting back into the swing of actually working again was a bit of a shock to the system and I am just shattered all the time.

Firstly I just want to say thanks for reading my last blogg. More people read the 'Tigers amongst the Vultures' than any  other blogg I have ever written. In fact more people read it than 3 bloggs put together, approximately 120 people indulged in the smutty life of Jacquelina getting mucky in Bangkok which is incredible. I'm not sure who all of you are but if it gave you a giggle or helped to waste a way a few moments of reality and boredom then that's good enough for me.
I guess that means that you lot like a bit of filth so I will try my best not to get too sensible in my old age. Some things I cant really talk about because I am still here with the people evolved and it could make things rather embarrassing so you will all have to wait for the book to get all the nitty gritty smutty details.

So the next chapter of my trip is in full swing.

I returned to Sihanoukville Cambodia a few weeks ago. It was so strange coming back after 3 years. Allot has changed, some things for the better, a nice walk way has been built along the beach so you can run in the mornings which I did and loved it. The Serendipity dirt road that takes you down to the beach is finally finished so the place looks a little more cared for and together. There are lots more lovely restaurants dotted about town and little boutiques selling pretty bags and clothes and the place just looks cleaner and fresher. Of course it is still a town brimming over with brothels, prostitutes, sexpats and stoned backpackers but Sihanoukville will always be like that I'm sure.

I met up with my ex boyfriend Tha and we went back to Bamboo Island where I used to live and work to see my dog Murphy. It was a wonderful day. The island was so so beautiful, it looked like paradise as we pulled up in our little fishing boat. The tall palm trees and the golden sand and little bamboo huts hiding in the shade.
 I felt really overwhelmed seeing my old home again. Its so strange that you don't really appreciate how lucky you are until you look back on things. I had lived here on a beautiful tropical island for 7 months and I don't think I ever realised completely how lucky I was and how blessed because I was always running around stressing out trying to keep a business running.

I spotted my dog Murphy on the beach sniffing around the day trippers and their picnic baskets, I was nervous to shout his name I was was worried he wouldn't remember me so I waited until I got off the boat.
Once on the beach I called him and his head span around, his ears pricked up into the air and he ran for  me. I could see at first the first few sniffs he was surprised and probably amazed, it had been 3 years after all  and then he went nuts, he jumped on me knocking me to the ground covering me in a cloud of sand and then he ran off at 100 mph and then back jumping on me again it was beautiful and I have to say I was happier to see my Murph than I was to see anything or anyone.
He was the most loyal dog to me when I lived on the island. He would wait for me to finish work walk me back to my hut in the dark,  sleep on the floor by my bed and if me and Tha had a fight which we regularly did he would always come with me to a different bungalow lol...good dog that Murph , the best.

I started work at the Moonlight Rock bar and guest house about 3 weeks ago. It's quite strange really how I went from living in an ashram doing yoga and meditation every day to living in a rock bar and swinging on the poles and dancing on the bar....but I have.

I have found myself right slap bang in the middle of an environment which is everything that I didn't want to be part of,  but somehow it feels right for me to be here. No body forced me into it or talked me into it, it just kind of happened that way.
I met one of the owners when I was up in Phnom Penn when I first arrived back in Cambodia and we got on great and he said he needed someone to work the bar and take care of the place when he was busy or out of town and I had spent lots of my budget getting from India to south east Asia and working for bed, food and drinks meant that I wouldn't actually be spending much of my savings so I agreed to come down and see how it went.
I was of course concerned that I would start drinking again and I was right to be concerned because I have drank since I have been here but somehow it feels the right place for me to be at this moment in my life and I am by no means drinking excessively I have kept Jacquelina under relative control, well for a rock bar staff member anyway.
I have not been drunk everyday or anything like that and am still running on the beach and doing my yoga just not as often but I am happy and I know that is a blessing.
I do miss peace and solitude though. It is hard to meditate in your room when Nirvana is blasting out downstairs but I walk across to the beach when I really need to get away and find a quiet spot and meditate there.

The owners are both great to me and I get along great with them both but they are so so different.  Vanja is calm and cool and so laid back that she is almost horizontal and chilled and Chris is fiery and loud and full of energy and laughter and craziness a bit like me really probably we are too much alike,  but it works and it works well they balance each other out and I'm enjoying spending time with them both. We all just seem to fit well together so that's cool.

It just feels right that I am here at this time and that's all I can really go with. Even though my lifestyle is so different to the life I was living in India I know that I am only here at Moonlight Rock for a short time so I am just going to enjoy it and try and keep myself under-control and then I will leave and go back to the loving arms of  Mother India.
The Khmer staff are lovely. I feel like I have been here for months. I feel I have just slipped into the family like I have always been there, it just feels right.
I know I wont stay here, I know I will return to India and the sobriety and discipline I had so enjoyed but I know for now, I want this, this wildness and laughter and music and dancing and I want to be with people again. Its strange because for months in India I did not want to talk with anyone.  I wanted complete silence and solitude and now I am spending every moment talking with people from all over the world and I love it.

My life here is so so different to how I was living in India and it has made me realise even more how extreme certain aspects of my personality actually are. I crave peace and solitude, space to meditate and do yoga and then I go and get a job in a rock bar, I don't understand how it happened but I know everything does for some reason or another. I'm glad to be here and I am grateful that I have been given this job and a home and a family because that is how it feels. I feel like I have a safe place to be and a family that loves me and how can anyone be ungrateful about that. I know there are lessons I will learn here and that is why I am here of course and I am ready to learn them and I will take that knowledge with me on my trip to the next place.

Maybe I can be all of these parts of my personality. Maybe I will find the balance between wildness and calmness or maybe I will have to choose between the two, I'm not sure about that yet.

I must admit I have had some wonderful times in the last three weeks. I have swam in the ocean with guests gazing up at the beautiful full moon, laughing together and feeling free and invincible.
The bar is right across the street from the beach so some nights we just wander over and strip off and swim in the warm dark ocean.  A wonderful girl Athena that was stopping with us said something that I found really profound and beautiful as we were swimming under the full moon. She said  "Ï will never be the same now that I have seen the moon from the other side of the world"...isn't that beautiful???
I really felt what she meant in my heart and I feel so so  blessed that I have looked up at the moon from dark mysterious oceans around the world and I know each time I have seen the moon from a different place in a  different world it has changed me and molded me and sent me in some other new direction with some new feeling and that is what is so wonderful about being free and being able to travel, it brings these incredible moments of complete happiness, peacefulness and clarity.

One night I actually ended up  skinny dipping with a gorgeous hunky man from Australia, I had no intention of stripping off naked but when I got to the beach I realised I had no bra on only knickers, so it was only half a skinny dip so I had to go in with only my knickers on holding my boobs....very classy lassy!
We just floated on our backs looking up at the stars and I gave up trying to keep my boobs covered as I think he was probably more impressed with the stars than my nipples anyway.

A lovely man from Wales Endaf has been teaching me the guitar which is something I have wanted to do for a long time. He has actually got a eucalalia and that is probably spelt wrong but it is beautiful, a little tiny guitar and she sounds so sweet so I have been learning on her and she is a real sweet lady.
Endaf is so kind, he went into town which is a miracle actually because he has only managed to drag himself away from the bar about 4 times in 12 days. So off he went in to town to buy new guitar strings for a guitar we had in the stock room. He cleaned her up and changed the strings so I am starting to practice on her now. She is not as sweet as Endaf's little eucallalia but at least I can practice everyday. 

There have been some wild nights were we have all been singing and dancing and of course you cant keep me off a pole if there is one in the room and I have had half a larger so yes I have been swinging around the poles, dancing on the bar and trying to do head stands whilst drunk wearing a dress and a g-string, so have I behaved?????  I would say yes....very badly indeed and it was great.

I actually don't feel guilty about any of it which is unusual for me as usually I would be torturing myself with regrets and shame but I feel cool about it all. I realise I am not the Mother Superior and if I was I would probably still have a pair of hold up stockings on under my smock or what ever the dress is called and I realise that its ok to be wild sometimes as long as you are happy with yourself and you are doing what you want and you are not hurting anyone else or yourself and most of all that you have it under control, that you are treating yourself with love and respect and I think perhaps that is why I have found myself in this environment, because I need to learn that yes I can party I can have fun and dance and sing but it doesn't have to end up in a 3 day drinking binge or a dirty dark sad place of self pity and depression. I think knowing I have a job and responsibilities is helping me to.It gives me a reason to say ok that's enough I'm off to bed I have work in the morning.

I am just trying to keep it all together and under control. I don't drink everyday and I am drinking gallons of water and if I do indulge with a little Rastafarian old holborn I wait until after dark when all I am good for is bed and that's all I can do...stumble up the stairs to bed.

I actually slipped through the stairs the other night and was completely sober. The stairs are wooden with big gaps between each step and it had been raining so the stairs were really slippery so as I walked up the stairs my right foot slipped and drove straight through the staircase out the other end and my second leg went straight through the step underneath. So there I was up to my groin in a staircase which I know must sound hilarious but it  fuking hurt like hell.
I was screaming to everyone in the bar to come and get me the hell out of there but the music was on and everyone was dancing and no bugger could hear me so I just sat there in agony legs scrapped and ripped to ribbons crying into the stairs. It was completely mortifying and probably a good job no one had heard me because I don't think I could handle the shame of all those people coming running out to find the bar maid trapped up to her gusset in the stairs. I mean I have been up to the groin in some strange things over the years but a bloody staircase, even I could not see anything kinky in that!
I eventually pulled myself out of the stairs and went to bed and cried for a few minutes at the state of my legs and then I saw the funny side and started laughing and laughing at how funny it must have all looked lol.

 I am up every morning around 7am and I work until about 5 most days and then I'm free to do what I like. I usually go across the road and sit and watch the sunset which is always wonderful. Sometimes I do the night shift which I love too because I can get up and run on the beach and do some yoga or sit in the sun and then I work and have a few drinks with the customers and have a laugh. We have had some great customers, really wonderful people and it is always sad to say goodbye, that's the down side to travelling you are always saying goodbye but it is worth it just to have a few wonderful days and some amazing moments that create exceptional memories. So for that and for all the guests that have stayed at the Moonlight Rock over the last few weeks I want to say thank you for making it so much fun and for making me feel alive and happy.

I have a very very strong feeling that this is it. This is the last big trip of my life solo. I just feel that my life is about to change dramatically. I feel like I am on the edge of something amazing and I feel already happy in this moment with all the craziness around me I feel in control and balanced and happy but I really feel that a few more steps will take me somewhere really special. I have a feeling that the next trip I take because for me life has been for the last 20 years one trip after another but I think the next one will be one I will not do alone. I really believe that a wonderful soul is making his way to me as we speak...I can feel it very strongly....who will he be...only God knows!

I feel like I am really ready now to settle somewhere.  I know it is not here in Cambodia, even though it is beautiful and I have some wonderful friends here, I know I will not stay. I really feel I will go back to India. I really want to visit my Indian friends there and see Rajasthan and a few other places I missed but I don't think I will settle there either.
I am excited about the future but to be honest I am enjoying the present and that is all we really have.

 I am amazed that I am living a completely different life than one I was living just a few weeks ago but somehow I know Moonlight Rock Is where I am supposed to be right now. I just know that for some reason I am here and I will stay for a little while. I am sure that something will happen soon that will change everything and then everything will slot into place like it's supposed to and I'm excited about that.

Life is full of amazing things, so many people are walking into my life every day and I am happy and feel blessed to have met the people that I have over the last three weeks and I realise that I do actually have more self control than I thought. I can say no and I can stay sober if that is what I have decided to do and if I want to party then I will and I have but Im ok I'm not jacking up heroin or anything, I'm just drinking a few beers and laughing with friends...I don't think I have to hang my self in shame for partaking in a little wild fun.

There have been a couple of romantic shin digs but I wont go into that, but I'm cool with it, I'm a passionate woman and we all need some loving from time to time.

So for now I'm staying put in the Rock & Roll bar and I'm enjoying every minute so thank you Chris and thank you Vanja for giving me a job and a safe place and a family oh and a dog x

The Tigers Amongst The Vultures

Well it has been a very long time since my last blogg and there is a very good reason for that. The reason is that I was so bloody plastered for days that I  just couldn't focus on the computer keys.  Then I spent almost a week  trying to recover from all the physical and emotional torture I put myself through and writing a blogg took second place to me trying to stop my self from having panic attacks.

This may all seem very dramatic to you or you may think that I am exaggerating but I can assure you that from the 26th July when I left Chang Mai up until today I have been through a hurricane of self inflicted horror. I can just imagine the various looks crossing the various faces of my various friends and loved ones. Disappointment, anger, sadness, bewilderment but believe me I own all of those emotions and feelings and my face has shown all of them and many more over the last few days and once again it is all my own fault and doing.

It never  fails to amaze me even now at 37years of age how little I know about myself. Surly by now I should realise that if that first sip of alcohol touches my lips then all hell will break loose. It is like setting the tigers amongst the vultures.  For some reason I think after a few weeks or months of sobriety I will be able to have just a couple of beers or a couple of glasses of wine and I will be strong enough to leave it at that, but it never works like that for me. One drink always leads to a drunk...in my case anyway.


I decided to have a beer at the airport in Chang Mai Thailand while I was waiting for my flight to Bangkok. I told myself I would have two beers only and that is all I had and as I was walking down to board the flight I felt chuffed with myself. I felt a little pissed too as I hadn't drank anything for nearly two months but I was happy and merry skipping along towards the very pretty air hostess smiling at me with her dainty hands together in prayer. Then as I was just about to board the aircraft I noticed I didn't have my jacket, I ran back to the boarding gate and  the hansom young boy checking the boarding passes told me to go and look for it but told me to be quick as the flight was due to depart, so I tore through the airport checking under seats, between peoples bags, inside toilet cubicles, in the bar but no bloody jacket.
 I checked with the security staff who were about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear and with the hansom boy waving frantically at me from the gate I had to make my way onto the flight minus my jacket.
I was bloody gutted, I wanted to cry, it was the only pissin warm thing I had and it was pelting down with rainy season rain outside,  but more than anything I was gutted because every time I drink alcohol I loose something. I just thought how fukin unfair is this I haven't drank for two months and I have two soddin beers and I loose my jacket. It was only a little grey cotton thing from Primark but I loved it, it was light and soft and the only warm thing I had and it was fukin gone.

By the time I arrived in Bangkok I had already decided that I was going to go out. I should have taken the loosing of the jacket scenario as a sign to stay the hell in but after two beers I wasn't interested in taking any notice of any warning sign,s the only signs I was interested in were the OPEN signs on bar doors. 

That first night I really don't remember much about. I know I headed off down Kho San road and I went to buy some wax strips from Boots and lady things  as you do and then I plonked myself at some bar where I met an English couple. I don't remember what the hell we talked about but I do remember dancing around and I took my boots off, I usually dance bare foot you can get into the groove more and I have vague flash backs of eating Pad Thai and sitting with some Spanish people but it is all a blur and I just cant piece it together.  Waking up the next morning was horrific. Lying next to me was some random Spanish man that looked like a cross between Kurt Cobain and a mermaid, I had no idea what his name was and I thanked God that my jeans were still on but I realised that my Boots shopping had gone and so had my little leather ankle boots.
I had no idea how I got home and I still have no idea who in the hell was the long haired article that I had taken home with me. I was disgusted and I just sat there on my bed in my clothes from the night before listening while some Spanish hillbilly  told me why he hates English people and I was was just thinking how I would love to swap him for my leather boots and my wax strips.

 I have thought long and hard about wither or not I should tell you all this  but to be honest I have decided to write a book next year about all of my travels over the last twenty years, with all of the sex and drugs and trouble and strife that a single woman can encounter or as in my case did encounter whilst travelling abroad alone,  so you are going to hear it all anyway so there is no point me telling any fibs. I have decided to leave out the nitty gritty at this point as it brings me too much shame to even think about it but by next year I'm sure I will be able to talk about it without wanting to jump under the nearest Tuk Tuk.
Do I have regrets, do I feel ashamed, the answer to both of those questions is yes of course I bloody do but then I think well how many girls last Saturday night went home with a man they just met in a club and the answer is thousands. But that doesn't make me feel any better. I still feel like shite and I feel so pissed off with myself because all it was supposed to be was two beers for good behaviour and I had lost my jacket, my little leather ankle boots that looked so sexy with my new jeans, my wax strips and lady things and my nail varnish remover pads..now that is an expensive shag (that's if I had one).
 I know my brother reads my blogg so Bren I am so so sorry that after all the years that I have worried you sick that I have once again tumbled head first into the biggest pile of horse shit imaginable and I have ruined all the hard work I have done over the last six months, all the praying and meditating all the yoga and detoxing has all gone up in hash smoke in minutes...I really am sorry : (

Once I had wrestled the long haired mermaid from Madrid out of my hotel room I decided that there was no way that I could remain in that room and risk catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror so I showered...thourally and went back out onto the streets of Bangkok.

It was on this day that I met Michael. Michael is a good man and as soon as I saw him sat alone at a table I was struck by how similar to my brother he was. We started talking and it was so bizarre because not only did he look like my brother but he had that same good, kind hearted spirit. Looking back now I'm sure God put Michael in my life that day to look after me because I started drinking again as soon as I woke up and I really did need looking after. Michael and I wondered around Bangkok and went for food and drank Margarita's and I told him all about my life and all the shit that has gone on and he listened and advised me and stopped me getting run over by cars when I would stumble into the road but when I woke the next morning I realised that I had lost my flip flops, the beautiful red parasol I had bought was torn in half and my gorgeous long fuchsia pink dress was torn to threads and black as soot. The dress was thrown into the bin along with the parasol and I through myself into the shower.

Now again you would think that that would be enough  carnage for anyone to be involved in but no out I went again back into the underworld of Bangkok and drank again all day. I really can not understand why I do this, all I know is that when there is alcohol in my system, when I am still drunk I just carry on and on until I drink myself into unconsciousness. There is no point were I say to myself  'Jacqueline you have had enough, it's time to go home' I just don't have that at all. I think I am so scared of sobering up and having to face all the shit I have gotten myself into,  so I want to put it off for as long as possible.
 On this particular day I met two wonderful girls from England. They sat down next to me and we started talking. They were both so beautiful. One of them told me that her Dad had died a few weeks before and she had watched him die of cancer and as she told me big bubble tears fell off her long eyelashes, she was just so sweet and delicate and it made me realise how precious life is but that didn't make me stop drinking. The other girl was a wild little thing, she had this floaty pretty dress on and a purple and yellow baseball cap on turned backwards like a rap star and she told me she had just stolen it. I couldn't help but laugh but stealing things in Thailand, jeepers creepers you would be locked up for the rest of your natural and I was glad that I just lost things instead of stealing things...much healthier, you cant get locked up in a Thai jail for loosing your shoes.

We all got absolutely hammered and then we met two wonderful lovely guys from Israel and we all went to this wild bar on Kho San road with some singer with a guitar and me and the girls got on the stage and danced like it was the last night of our lives. I do remember having an amazing time dancing and twirling and swishing and swaying and I know everyone was clapping at us and people were getting up with us and dancing and I think we really did create a lot of fun because when we stopped dancing and left everyone in the bar stood up and clapped lol lol.
By this point we all decided we wanted to swim so we all went back to my hotel to swim in the roof pool but of course it was locked to stop piss heads like us from diving in the shallow end cracking our skulls open and spending the rest of our lives in wheelchairs so we all piled into my room.
 I had my little portable DVD player playing the only decent CD I had, some dance music an ex boyfriend DJ of mine had done for me for my trip because all of my other CD's are Hare Krishna Cd's and chakra cleansing CD's from India and they really didn't suit the mood.
 More alcohol was consumed and more craziness occurred and I woke for the third morning in Bangkok with different faces in my room and more things missing.
Another pair of shoes were gone and a scarf but somehow I had managed to get my boots waxing strips back. I had no idea where they had come from but the very lovely Amit from Israel said a barman in a reggae bar came running out of the bar after me waving a boots bag in the air the night before.

 Amit actually was the nicest man I had met in a long time. He was so funny but he really liked my friend with the baseball cap turned backwards. They were sat talking for ages but she has a boyfriend back home so she told him she wasn't interested. I thought it was really sweet that he bought her a red rose and I thought it was shocking when she ripped the petals off it in front of him and throw them on the floor. I think that was when  he started talking to me and that was fine with me he was a little sweetie with beautiful green eyes and a huge beard.
He told me that he  had bought a huge rice cooker for his mom and it was packed into his back pack and I thought that was hilarious, I mean what young man goes back-packing around Asia and buys a rice cooker for their Mother. 
He had all of this lovely quirkiness about him and sweetness and I thought he was so fresh and pure and honest.  He made me laugh so much and was sweet and young and positive about the world and that really lifted my depressed mood.
 I was sad saying goodbye to Amit, we hugged  and clung to each other like Romeo & Juliet for 10 mins by the bus stand and the bus driver got really pissed off and almost dragged Amit off me and throw him in the back of the bus.
Before leaving Amit gave me a little sachet of washing powder which I think is hilarious and will keep forever. He bought a 100 sachet strip of washing powder  because they were only 1 rupee each, he bought them in India and he loved the fact that they all had a huge  1 R on them and it blew him away how cheap they were. That is what I loved about him he had this real funny way of looking at things and he appreciated all these funny things. He is a very sweet boy and for a short time he made me very happy.

I would like to be able to say that when they left I went straight back to my room but I didn't.  I sat on Kho San road again with some drunks I had met the day before. They were a group of men and woman that sit outside the same bar everyday and just get wasted and look wasted and as I thought I probably fitted the bill nicely I sat with them and drank some more beer. 
Eventually I had the sense to go back to my room. I had actually drunk myself sober after four days.
I showered and packed all my things and cleaned my room and whilst rinsing my walls and floors of footprints and hand prints and other undesirable marks I couldn't help thinking that I wished that the soul  and all its dark dirty corners was as easy to clean as white marble tiles..... but it just isn't.

So I have to be honest this is a rather edited and censored explanation of what happened in Bangkok but I really can not go into it all yet as I am still in the denial stage and I'm sure you all already think I'm a crazy bitch and need certifying.

I have been in Cambodia now for three days and I have stayed at home and ate lots of fruit and veggies and I have cried and prayed and I know I just have to start  again, that's all I can do. I cant go doing a Kurt Cobain  blowing my brains out in the greenhouse because I want to live. ,  I want to be an Auntie to my niece and nephew and I want to be a Mother so I just have to keep on getting up out of the shit and I have to keep on trying harder.

Love & Peace


Jacqueline x

I Think I Met An Angel But He May just Be A Pervert!!!

Today I received the answer to a question I have been screaming  at the sky for years, probably decades. For so long I have prayed for an answer and could not understand why God, my God who I have such faith in that I allow to carry in his hands the direction of my life, every step of my life, every decision I make, would not give me the answer.
I had begun to think that there was no cure, no answer no deliverance from the burden I was carrying and as I look back on the chaos and self hatred and guilt and carnage of so many parts of my life I realised that it was all because I did not have the solution, the answer the knowledge to leave behind the memories and pain of the past.
The last thing I want any of you to think is that I am using this arena as a platform to wallow in self pity because that is not what I am doing. I am only too aware of how fortunate I am in my life. I know there are hundreds of children kidnapped from villages all over Asia every day and forced into prostitution, there are hundreds of homeless people on the streets of India, starving and lost and forgotten. I know my 'problems' just pale into insignificance in comparison. But we all have our own problems, things that we carry around with us, things that we fear, hate, loathe. Memories we can't forget or don't know how to forget or don't want to forget and to be honest writing  this blogg over the last 6 months has really felt like a therapy for me.
I feel almost lighter each time I sit and write how i feel, like another 5 kilos of emotional shit has been thrown off my knotted shoulders.

The answer came to me today, delivered by the most unusual of messengers.
The messenger with this long awaited knowledge and liberation from the darkness I feel resides inside my soul  was a man I had been avoiding all over Pai for 2 weeks. I met him one day when I was sat in The Witching Well Restaurant having a mango soda.
 It was raining heavy outside and the sky was dark and looked like it was troubled. As this stranger walked into the restaurant he shook the rain from his umbrella and our eyes locked.  I was struck by the feeling that he was familiar to me, but I was unable to place him and then I thought no I'm mistaken, I don't know him, but he looked at me like he knew me also.
He looked about 38, 39 and he was Indian. I looked back down at my book but I knew he would come and talk to me, I could feel his presence behind me getting stronger. He sat on the table next to me and I could feel the weight of his eyes on me so I looked and turned in his direction to find him looking at me with a smile. To be honest I found his presence very imposing, he had that overbearing very intense stare that made me shift in my seat. He said hello so I said hello and then to my amazement he asked me if I had been in India practicing yoga. Well I knew it wasn't because I had a body like a yoga goddess so how he knew this I was unsure.
'You are studying yoga, yes?'  I replied yes that I was. You see when Indian people use the term yoga they do not just mean the actual physical exercise of yoga. In India Yoga is actually a way of life, the yogic lifestyle is of course the physical aspect the asana but also pranayama the practice of breathing and devotion to God, through prayer and meditation and living a healthy life with proper diet, and positive thinking. Yoga is the practice of devotion to God. The union of self with the divine and this I knew was what this man was referring too.

He then went onto say "You have just completed Vipassana, yes?", I knew then he was something  different, clairvoyant or a spiritual teacher or something that I just didn't know the name for because how would he know this. I was slightly dazed because he was talking very quietly and it was hard to hear him over the noise in the restaurant and I was trying to avoid his deepening stare because it was so strong. I said yes that I had just undertaken a course in Vipassana and then he said whilst locking eyes with me and raising his hand as if to quiet my mind or voice form making an interruption. "You will develop on this path, you don't need to speak now,  just know you will develop on this path".
I didn't know what to say, so at a loss of what to say I just replied rather meekly 'thank you'  I was uncomfortable and fazed so I looked down at Kurt Cobain on the front of my book. I was shocked and I was trying to drag myself out of this almost drunk feeling I had, like everything was fuzzy. I felt like I was in the middle of a dream and everything around me and this man was rushing past so fast that it was a blur but we were there standing still in silence.  I must have been looking into Kurt Cobain's eyes for only a few moments but when I looked up, the Indian man had gone.
I didn't see him leave or hear him leave or feel him leave,  it was so strange. I sat there just looking out at the rain hammering down on the motorbikes and mopeds parked outside and I thought Did that really happen, did he say what he just said, did he know that I had done Vipassana and that I had been to India or had I just imagined it, or had it all been  just an acid flash back or a mushroom flash back if that was at all possible. At that moment I was really unsure.

 Walking back to my room after meeting this man I went over and over what had happened. I knew I had been very cold towards him if not rude. You see I have a real aversion to men chatting me up, it repulses me and embarrasses me. I am really shy and him coming and talking to me was a complete invasion of my personal space. Those of you that have only seen me out in bars or when I have been drinking will think this ludicrous because you will have only witnessed Jacqulina the infamous alter ego that I adopt when I am intoxicated, but that is not really me.
The real me, my true nature is very shy and I have real issues with men getting to close.When he looked in my eyes it was so so intense I felt completely vulnerable, naked and weak,  it was horrible. If I had been drunk I could have stared him out, intimidated him to the point that  he would have been scared of me like so many men are when they meet me in a pub when I have been drinking. It is something I now feel so bad about, so ashamed of,  all the times I have intimidated someone so much with my sarcasm and mocking, so much they had to leave or just give in and allow me to win.
But sober I am not like that at all and being sober he caught me off guard and completely out of my comfort zone and completely vulnerable.

I started to realise that I had been quite  rude to him. I was brusque and cold but he seemed oblivious to it. I thought initially he was just some old pervert, sitting next to me trying to chat me up and the intensity of his stare seemed to confirm this prognosis. Whilst he was talking and asking me questions I kept avoiding eye contact, kept looking down at my book pretending I was reading hoping he would go away and leave me to my solitude and safeness inside my personal space just me and Kurt Cobain on a rainy afternoon in Pai . I knew if it was a woman I would have been nicer, more open more polite but because he was a man I acted in the way I act towards all men that approach me,  I'm suspicious, guarded and unfriendly.
I then thought, my God he knew things about me, and I just treated him like shit. He could have been someone really special with a message for me and I just treated him like he was an irritant an unwanted guest in my space. I remembered his face and it was,  friendly there was no sign that he was aware that he was stepping into a guarded space, that I was deliberately rude because I wanted him to know his company was not wanted, there was no sign of this acknowledgement on his face at all and if he really was just an old pervert why hadn't he asked me for a date or my number?  why had he just left without 'trying it on'?. I couldn't make sense of the experience and feeling guilty about my treatment of him,  I tried to push it to the back of my mind.

A few days later I was walking home from my yoga class and I saw him walking along the road with a young woman and I thought thank God he is with someone and he will leave me be. They were talking away and as I passed again our eyes locked, he nodded his head and I quickly smiled and looked away and then I heard the girl say to him,  "look I'm sorry I don't mean to be rude but I just want to have breakfast on my own".
So I thought,  he is a bloody pervert, he is walking around town just trying to chat up woman, obviously he must have been making a nuisance of himself with this girl for her to be telling him to piss off basically. So that must be what he is up to just making conversation with girls in an attempt to get his skinny little leg over. I was disgusted and annoyed I had wasted time feeling guilty about being rude to him and I felt better about the fact that I had obviously been justified in my treatment of him. There was still the matter of his knowlege of India and my Vipassana course and my study of the yogic lifestyle, all I could conclude from this was that he must be clairvoyant.
And I knew not all people with such a gift used it in a moral and honest way. So that was it then, that was his bate.
The creepie fuker was approaching girls and amazing them with some knowledge he had of them, their life or future and that was how he started communication and then he would go in for the kill. Still he didn't actually ask me out or anything, it was a real mystery to me, I just could not work this man out.

On another morning on my way home from yoga again I saw him sat with another girl a beautiful blond, German looking girl and he was talking away wearing the same clothes I had seen him in on the other two occasions, a grey baseball cap a navy and white checked shirt, a pair of old denim jeans and a pair of converse looking tie up shoes. She was smiling  at him and he was leaning in towards her with a serious face like he was engrossed in some deep and meaningful conversation and I was thinking as I upped my step past him, Good Luck with that one luv.  He clocked me of course and smiled and I just gave him a wry smile with a I know what you are up to you old pervert, with a  of nod of the head.


Then this morning I was walking along on my way to the Internet cafe and there he was coming towards me, I didn't want to be rude any more so I decided to be short with my answers so he knew I wasn't interested in bumping uglies but to at least say hello.
 "Hello again" he said "what is your name" I told him my name and he told me his name is Rahul. He then started talking away about the principal steps of the Yogic lifestyle. He was talking about detaching oneself from the addiction we have to material things and the attachment we have to pleasure and how hard it is to renounce these cravings and it struck me how knowledgeable he was and interesting. These were infact the exact issues I was at present concerning myself with and working on. It was asif he was reading my mind and giving me advice for what was troubling me.  He was talking as if he was a Guru or Swami or at best a disciple of some religious order. he knew what he was talking about and I again was perplexed by him. I just did not know what to make of this man, was he a pervert? or was he something completely different and why was I keep bumping in to him?.
 I believe all encounters happen for significant reasons and I knew there had to be a reason that this man was forever walking into my life.
Then a moped zoomed past us, a young guy was driving and a young girl was sitting side saddle on the back and she was staring at us. I thought nothing of it really she was probably thinking bloody hell theres that old perv that tried it on with me yesterday and then she jumped off the moped and ran over to us. WTF is going on now I thought,  things feeling rather bizarre which they always do in this mans company.
 "Hello, hello Rahul, I saw you and I just jumped off the scooter, so good to see you again my friend" and then she lunged at him embracing him in a bear hug. Well blow me down what the hell is going on I thought. Why is this beautiful girl hugging what I believe to be the Perv Of Pai. I saw this as a great opportunity for a perfect getaway so I said goodbye and hot-footed it down the road.
This last encounter had left me even more bemused. What was this mans deal. There were woman in town that liked him, that were sitting with him and obviously enjoying his company and woman were actually jumping off moving mopeds just to hug him and tell him how happy they were to see him like he was the Indian answer to Justin Bieber, so why had I thought he was an old pervert. Was I justified in my harsh prognosis of this man or was I unfairly judging him because I was allowing some terrible past experiences to effect all encounters that I have with men that I meet.
This gave me many hours of thought and reflection. Maybe that is why I kept meeting him, maybe God wanted me to realise how unfair it was that I tar all men with the same brush, that because I have been mistreated in the past by certain men that I therefore believe all men will mistreat me.
I know I am harsh with men, its just I cant bare to allow any one else to hurt me in anyway so I let them know from the kick off how tuff I am and I will not tolerate it. Its all a front anyway but its all I know how to do. Its my survival mechanism and how I have lived most of my life a way of protecting myself.


I have felt troubled by this all day. I still had no idea what this man was about but I was beginning to think that I had serious issues within myself that were long over due for self interrogation.

I wandered down through town to a little cafe and ordered myself a Kambucha. Kambucha is a great herbal health tonic with incredible antioxidant levels and health benefits. It had just finished raining so the little Thai waitress came and removed the parasol from my table and the sun started to shine down on me whilst I sipped my drink and then there he was again walking towards me with that same smile and intense stare like he is looking straight inside my soul. I feel like if I meet his eyes he will see all  my secrets and all the things that are private to me and sacred and also the things that I am ashamed of and don't want anyone to know.
He sat down next to me and to be honest I didn't mind, I was exhausted with fighting this man in my mind. I wanted to finally know who and what he was, what was his deal.
"I will finish what I was saying this morning" he announced and then he went on to talk about how we attach ourselves to material things how we crave and desire material wealth and objects and create a false self and all along I knew he meant me. I knew he was telling me what he thought I was struggling with because these are the exact things I am working on renouncing at this time. He went on to talk about Pranayama and it's importance. Pranayama is something that I learnt and used for a while but I felt no real difference after doing it so I just stopped. Pranayama is a series of different breathing techniques. It was done by the ancient Yogis but was kept secret for thousands of years. I had tried some pranayama exercises in the Sivananda Ashram and with different Yoga teachers since then but I didn't feel anything so I knocked it on the head after a while. Some people raved about it but allot of them were heavy smokers and pranayama does help the lungs to detoxify so I think they could feel the biological benefit of it.
Anyway its strange because a few weeks ago another man was telling me I should give it another go and here Rahul was again asking me to please include it in my daily practice. He told me it would strengthen my meditation and my path towards enlightenment. So I found myself agreeing with him and confirming that I would indeed try it again and give it a fair go. He seemed pleased and I was surprised to feel comfortable with him and it was nice to listen to someone with such a vast knowledge of God and devotion and the yogic life. I had missed this type of conversation since leaving India, I had missed the company of spiritual people and I was feeling shitty that I had dismissed such an interesting man because of the shit I was holding on-to that I  was allowing to control my relationships with men.


Then he said something so profound to me and so hitting right to the core of what I am going through right now that it instantly brought tears prickling to my eyes. "Jacqueline, the only way you can let go of the past and detach yourself from the awful things that happened and let go of the emotions that you have attached to those events is by filling your time with service".  He was talking about Karma Yoga, the art of selfless service. The act of helping others or doing things for others with no payment or expectation of justification for your work.
This had been brought to my attention when I had joined the Sivananada Ashram nearly 6 months ago. Every disciple had their own Karmic Yoga duty,  I don't know if you remember that blogg but my Karma Yoga duty was cleaning the filthy toilets. Anyway Rahul went on to say that this was the answer that I had been looking for. This was the way that I could eliminate all the bad karma I had collected through all the bad deeds I had done when I was intoxicated and determined on my  self destruction path.
Selfless service was a way to get rid of all of that bad karma, a way of wiping the slate clean. I was dumbfounded because over the last few days I have sat for hours on my balcony both wondering if I will ever be able to forgive myself for all the terrible things I have done and also wondering if I will ever be able to leave behind all the memories of all the awful things I heard and saw and experienced as a small child. I had also asked myself over the last few days if all this sitting around and relaxing was ok or should I be doing something worth while and again it was as if Rahul was reading my mind because he was giving me the answers of all of those things that were troubling me and had troubled me for most of my life.
"This is the only way Jacqueline" and he reached for my hand and I gave it to him and he held it very gently between his two very soft almost feminine palms. "this is the way to let it all go, a way to make everything right,  a way to lay to rest everything that happened"
He let go of my hand and I looked down at my hands in my lap and I cried because I just didn't know what else to do. I was glad that he didn't hug me that would have been too much for me to bare but I think he sensed that.
He told me to carry on to Cambodia, he told me I had 'good work' to do there. I had told him I needed to raise more funds for my return  to India in the Autumn and planned to work in Cambodia and earn some money and he said that yes we all need money to get us where we need to be but he was quite adamant that in Cambodia I would do some voluntary work that would allow me to heal.
Funnily enough I had already been researching various charities in Cambodia I was interested in volunteering for. I had already contacted ASEIF the charity founded by Solmay Mam a woman that was sold into prostitution as a child who now rescues and supports prostitutes. So again I was struck by his awareness of my life and what was important to me.

He told me that he wanted to keep contact with me and check how I was doing and we swapped e-mail addresses. There was not a glimmer of flirtation, he was sweet and kind and had empathy and sincerity and I could tell not only did he have knowledge but that he had wisdom and I have learned that knowledge and wisdom are two totally different things.
I remembered an old lecturer at the Sivananda ashram talking about just this when he told us  A doctor has allot of knowledge when he tells you how alcohol can destroy your body, ruin your liver etc etc but if this same doctor then opens his table draw when you leave the room and swigs from a whiskey bottle then all that knowledge means nothing because he has no wisdom.

Rahul then stood and held my hand again and said good bye and I watched him walking down the road opening his umbrella to shelter himself  from another shower that was just starting and I realised that he had given me the answer I had been looking for all my life.
The way to free myself from everything I had clung on-to and I sat there and thought about how I had become addicted to the emotions I had attached to certain traumatic events in my life and I am ashamed to admit this but I had come addicted to self pity and being a victim.  I realised that I had believed that all these terrible things were me and they would always be me and I would carry it always because it was my past so it would be my future,  but now I have a way out of that.  I have a way to cut those ties that were strangling my soul and the way is Karma Yoga, the act of selfless service.

Then as I sat there I thought My God maybe Rahul is an Angel. I know that sounds crazy but it happens, you read about it, there are hundreds of books about Angels that come down to  earth to help people get onto the right path,  but then I thought why should I be so lucky to be sent an Angel, there are far more deserving cases than mine and millions of people who have far worse traumas in their lives than I, why should I be the lucky one to get my very own Angel  from Heaven and then I thought how ironic it was that I had maybe mistaken an Angel for a pervert Lol only I could do that.
Watching Rahul disappear around the corner at the bottom of the road I was struck by how feminine he seemed, he almost walked with a wiggle and my gaydar is usually very accurate and I would swear he is gay and then I found myself thinking I wonder if you can get gay angels??? now there's a thought and one that would send every good Christian into a flummox but who knows.

Anyway to bring this blogg to a close I just want to say that meeting Rahul has really had a positive effect on my way of thinking. I never thought this would happen from our first meetings but I really have spent the past couple of weeks looking at and addressing these haunting issues inside my mind.
I really do believe that Rahul gave me the answer that I was looking for inside every wrap of evil in the bottom of every bottle of gin and in the arms of every stranger I have slept with and I will use this knowledge and wisdom from this moment  to make the right decisions in my life.

I will finish with the profound words of Eckhart Tolle

The past is powerless &  I realise deeply that nothing I ever did or that was ever done to me could ever touch even in the slightest the radiant essence of who I am.

God Bless
Jacqueline x