Longing for a Bhang!!!

Well I have slipped into life in Rishikesh as easy as a dessert spoon slipping into melted vanilla ice cream.

I knew when I arrived to this area just over 2 weeks ago that it was special and I would fall in love with it.
I can honestly say that this is somewhere I really could live for the rest of my life. I feel for it the way I feel for Brighton In England. It touches my soul, it makes me feel like an old friend, like I have always been there and will always belong.
Rishikesh is the birth place of yoga so  there are hundreds of different yoga schools and yoga styles and all sorts of New Age alternative therapies like reiki and aromatherapy and Ayurvedic cleansing and detoxing and being a bit of an old hippie at heart I love all that kind of stuff.  Rishikesh is fast becoming a bit of a adventure sports hub and all day there are excited thrill chasers rafting down the sacred river and mountaineering up into the Himalayas.
Rishikesh has always been a way-station for yogis and sadhus heading up to the deep Himalayas so the towns in this area are filled with Pilgrims of all shapes and sizes. Buddhist monks in their saffron robes, wandering renouncients barefoot with only a walking stick a blanket and begging bowl and weird and wonderful men with skin dark brown scorched by the sun and long twisted snake like dreadlocks coiled around and around like a hundred cobras waiting to pounce.
So all in all Rishikesh proves to be a really interesting place. Also Rishikesh is full of travellers. There are hundreds of westerners that have been here for years and years. One lovely Dutch man I meet daily in the Internet cafe has been here for 11 years and he has given me so much advice on things to see and places to avoid. He actually said to me "Jacquelina this is it, this is the best place in India you have everything you could possibly need right here in Rishikesh and if you are still not happy then maybe you never will be, so throw your self into the Ganga which is drowning distance, perfect"
Ha ha ha,  I really like his style. He has some kind of Indian swami name and he wears a dohti, which is a traditional Indian style garment worn by men a sarong type of cloth tied around the waist. He seems so happy and peaceful and has a naughty twinkle in his beautiful blue eyes and even though I would say he would be fifty perhaps those naughty eyes tell me his heart is as passionate as a boy of eighteen. The other day he sat down next to me and told the owner of the Internet shop that he was going to sit next to this beautiful lady which made me blush and giggle like a teenager and then he told me not to get too excited he never indulges in indulgence's before 8pm ha ha ha I love people with such naughty characters.

Rishikesh is actually a name that has loosely been given to a few areas, Lakshmanjhula,  Ramjhula, Swargashram and of course the actual town of Rishikesh, but each place is different with its own feel and energy and you can cover most places on foot so its so easy to get around and see everything.

I started off north of Lakshamanjhula at a place called 'hill top' when I arrived with Mr Nepal and his business partner and then I moved down to Lakshmanjhula to be closer to the river, but you know the story, the hotel manager was an old perv so I moved to Ramjhula where I have a lovely little apartment right on the River Ganges. Its perfect. From the very  first night I have slept like a baby and  I don't mean I woke every 2 hours crying,  I mean I slept peacefully and contently,  thank you very much.

Everyday I go to yoga and I do a lot of writing and up loading photos in the Internet cafe along the river and sometimes I sit at the river and read and have a little paddle.  I have met some nice friends and I usually meet someone each day for lunch or dinner. There are some great little cafes in Rishikesh and some great food, fresh fruit salads and fruit juices, fresh organic salads with pitta and hummus and creamy fruit lassies.

When I was in the hotel in Lakshmanjhula I met an Israeli lady called Pnina, she is a great lady I love her allot.  Pnina is in her late fifties but my God is she one sexy lady. She is tall and slim but has curves in all the right places. She smokes like a trouper but has a Kate Moss ability of making it look uber sexy. 

She left the hotel  in lakshmanjhula also because of the  perv of a manager but before leaving she gave him a piece of her mind, she ripped a strip off him and  I so wish I had been there to see that.
Anyway now Pnina has a great room, still up in Lakshmanjhula but it's wonderful, overlooking the river, great big balcony and most days I walk the 30mins up to see her. Another friend of hers from Israel has also arrived she was up north in Daramasala and she also is great fun.

We sit for hours on their balcony, painting our nails, putting face packs on each other and talking girlie crap. Pninas friend Lucky told me about a book in Israel that is really thick and heavy and is called "What men know about woman" and then you open it and every page is blank ha ha ha I love it, anyway we shared a few beers and laughed a lot and it was wonderful.

Pnina has just gone through a divorce after 35 years of marriage. We talk a lot about relationships and trust and forgiveness and I am so proud of her that after being a wife and mother for the most part of her life she has come on this 2 month trip to India to decide what to do with her life,  now the life that she was living is over. It must be scary to just have to start again when you are nearly 60yrs old but she is so young in her heart and she is so full of love and laughter that I really know she will be happy and a new life and a wonderful life is just beginning.

Pnina has made me promise that I will come to Israel to visit her and I really want to. I have been to Israel before but it was so long ago that I cant really remember it.  I know there were a lot of soldiers everywhere pointing their guns and their groins in my direction and it kind of shattered the wonderful image I had of a bright star twinkling over a stable in Bethlehem, but it would be great to go back and travel around with an Israeli and see the real life there.
 I have met a lot of Israeli's on my trip in India and I met hundreds when I travelled for a year around South East Asia. Here in India they have an interesting reputation. Most people just call them the Israeli stoners as most of them like to smoke a lot  of hashish and hoteliers and shopkeepers complain about them because they will barter and barter to get things as cheep as possible but in my experience they are great fun and when you sit and talk about life in Israel and their experiences and the stories of what is happening in their country and how most of them have lost a brother or an uncle or a school friend to the troubles it really makes you understand why they love to travel and why they enjoy a smoke and why they are so enjoying their freedom after forced military service and just want to relax in cafes and feel free and happy and peaceful.

Pnina called me a few minutes ago, she is in a taxi on the way to Delhi, she made a last minute decision and is off on the next adventure of her trip and I am so excited for her.  I will miss her, I loved her company, she told me that she loved me and that her life was better because she had met me and I really honestly feel that for her. It was one of the most touching things that anyone has ever said to me and I'm not showing off by sharing it and I hope you don't think that but I realise how wonderful it is to meet people to open your heart and be open to meeting  people, that you can bring each other so much unexpected love and special moments and memories.
The wonderful thing about travelling is you meet incredible people from different worlds, different cultures and you learn so much and it opens your mind and erases the controlling  red tape of judgement that is born of ignorance. You have the opportunity to meet people that you would never have met and never would have loved if you would have stayed at home doing the same old thing.  I know I will see her again, someday, somewhere.

The other day I went for lunch with Jamie and Tanya. Jamie is English he is from Leicester which is just an hour up the road from Birmingham where my family live at home and Tanya his girlfriend is Dutch.
 I met them at Sivananda Ashram in Kerala and was so happy to bump into them again in Rishikesh. They are a great couple, honest, funny and I love spending time with them. We had lunch at the pyramid cafe which is one of my favourite places to eat, it has its own organic garden so the salads are super fresh and the atmosphere is relaxed and chilled as we all sit around crossed legged on soft cushions on the floor listening to Shiva chant cd's.
I have discovered a wonderful beverage called Kambucha, my dear friend Shakti introduced me to it and it is delicious. It has a a whole page dedicated to its health benefits in the pyramid menu and explains how it is a fermented health drink made from some type of fungal culture which sounds disgusting but really is divine. I talked Jamie and Tanya into trying it and  after the 1st sip Tanya gave me one of those WTF is this shit,  looks but once she had drank the first one she was on a roll. They definitely give you a buzz and we ended up necking 4 each and I'm sure we were a bit tipsy and living in a place that is alcohol free and no where has a license to sell alcohol it was a naughty, wonderful bonus.
 I'm glad Rishikesh is alcohol free because I don't want to be drunk all the time like I was in South East Asia a few years ago but it was really nice to have a little 'kambucha buzz' and I was chuffed that I was getting loads of health benefits too. Anyway  the health benefits kind of stopped there as the evening turned into a bit of a druggie slide downhill .
I brought Jamie and Tanya to meet my lovely Israeli friends Pnina and Lucky and we had a scream. the Israelis had got their hands on some beers so we shared a few cans between us and lucky pulled out some Himalayan finest out of her bag and we shared a little smoke. Again I know I will not be doing this everyday as I am loving the healthy lifestyle I have been living and to be honest alcohol is almost impossible to get hold of but Pnina had managed to  talk a member of staff at her hotel into driving 30 mins out of town to a place that would sell him alcohol, nice touch!!.
Jamie and Tanya reluctantly left,  Jamie had planned to watch the cricket but I could tell he wanted to stay because we were all having such a laugh. They had told me about their 'Bhang' experiences,both Tanya and Jamie and the Israeli ladies had tried it and I decided I wanted to try I too.
 Bhang is a preparation made from marijuana leaves and sometimes has added hallucinogenic ingredients. It is actually legal in India and can be bought on the street in bhang shops. It is used to make sweets and lassies and get people off their tits basically and I decided that I didn't want to leave India without trying it. at least once.
Once Jamie and Tanya left there was me, Pnina, Lucky and a young girl Shukti from Nepal. Her family had actually emigrated from Nepal to Australia when she was a baby so she speaks like and Australian but she looks a little Nepalese and alot Indian and all the staff in the hotel were constantly giving her a hard time about smoking and drinking. Shukti said she gets that all the time. She has been living for the past 5 months in Mumbai and when she drinks alcohol she receives dirty judgemental looks and sly comments about being like the loose westerners, but she is strong and tuff for a 22year old girl and she tells them to piss off.

So Shukti and I decided that we would go on a hunt around Ramjhula for some bang and bring it back so all us ladies could get nicely banged on the balcony.
Well it was no easy job, there are none of these so called Bhang shops in Rishikesh and we were adviced to be discreet with who we asked which I could not understand as it is legal but I suppose with it being such a sacred town that it was frowned upon. All the sadhus are stoned though walking around with red eyes and glazed looks but a blind eye is turned to their red eyes as ganja is accepted as part of their religious devotion to Shiva who originally discovered its narcotic properties. What a load of old balls I think, what an excuse to get stoned out your face 24hrs a day.

Anyway we went to a cafe that we were told sold bang lassies but were hushed up and told by a man who looked nervous that they didn't sell it and he didn't know where did. We were well pissed off and it was getting late, it was about 10pm and it was dark and I really wanted to be back on the balcony in the safety of the hotel. We walked up the road trying another few cafes but no luck. Then Shukti spotted a really hot Indian man in a shop selling brass and wood religious figurines . "now that is my kind of man, he is just the sort that I go for" she said. He was tall and broad with fair skin and jet black hair and sexy stubble and I agreed that I would not kick him out of bed for farting either.
 Anyway I decided to ask him if he would give us both a bang lol lol sorry I couldn't resist. I asked him if he had any idea where I could buy a bang Lassie that we had never tried it and didn't want to leave India a Bhang virgin. The innocent doe eyes and illustrious charm must have worked because he directed us to a cafe a few streets back further up the hill that was having some type of party and we would be able to get it there. Elated and giggling about the gorgeous man that had told us to just give his name at the door we made our way up through the back streets to the cafe. There was still a fair few people around but I really didn't want to be messing about on  bhang hunt for very much longer.
We found the cafe by following the Goa trance style music spilling out of its dark windows. Walking inside was like being transported back in time to some of my clubbing years. It was dark and dingy and the music was heavy and hard and the man that approached as we walked through the doorway without a door was sweating with huge eyes and tiny pupils. I didn't  like the energy in there one bit but I could tell Shukti was shitting herself and I was being brave for the pair of us and I had no intention of hanging around I was getting the Bhang and was out of there like a rat up a drain pipe.
I explained to the sweating westerner who doubled up from a doorman to the DJ what we wanted. Shukti was as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear and just stood there looking shiffty and scared. He said we could not have lassies to go, but he had bang oil which is extracted from the leaves and is the strongest form of bhang you can get. He was worried about selling it to me and he looked at me and said you don't do this a lot do you and I was bloody glad that that was obvious because I definitely could not say the same for him, he looked like he was flying by the seat of his pants, like some gurning clubber that had not been home for days in the corner of a seedy club covered in vicks waiting for his 7th pill to come up.
He was kind though and I am grateful for that. He said the best way to ingest it was in oil and he went away into the darkness of another room to heat up enough for 4 people in olive oil. He said it is best taken warm and to make sure it was shared equally between the 4 of us so we didn't get too out of it as it was so strong.

As we waited for the Bhang concoction we observed other westerners in the dark room surrounded by spooky shadows dancing on the walls whilst they sat huddled together on cushions getting high by candle light. There were bongs on the tables with people openly sucking away and we could see people also drinking alcohol and drinking what I think was bang from metal cups with teaspoons. It was a strange place and I thought how I would have loved this kind of thing years ago, the darker the dingier the better, because that is how my soul felt in those days, dark and sad and dingy and when you are feeling like that on the inside you only want to be surrounded by places and people like that. But now that I have spent so long cleansing my soul by doing yoga and praying and chanting Gods name I felt clean inside and this place felt alien and wrong and dirty and un-Godly but I still wanted to do it an I still wanted the bhang.
It was interesting to see this place even though I could not wait to get out of there. It was so surprising in the middle of all of the temples and Ashrams and prayer and pilgrimage that this kind of dark and druggie atmosphere existed.
I promised the sweaty westerner who told me he had been there for 2 years getting wasted on the essential oil of Bhang that I would return tomorrow with his metal cup and spoon and I left that demonic place with sparks coming off my flip flops with a very paranoid Nepalese girl trotting behind me.

By the time we got back to the Israelis on the balcony they were not arsed about trying it so going against the sweaty westerners advice we drank half each. After 3 and a half hours of sitting on that bloody balcony waiting for something to happen we went to bed disgusted that we had just drank pure olive oil and been ripped off.

That feeling did not last long.

As soon as we got into the bedroom it hit us both like a steam engine crashing into a brick wall, we were mashed. I could not stop talking and I was cracking more jokes and talking in more ridiculous riddles than Russel Brand and Shukti thought it was hilarious. We laughed and laughed until we cried and I was bent over in pain laughing at the fact that not 1 window in her room actually shut and it was really windy and the windows were blowing and banging and a bloody gail force wind was ripping through the room and I felt like I was Dorothy in the wizard of oz, blowing around the room.
I decided in my  intoxicated state to tie all of the windows shut with the help of sarongs so there I was off my tits on a mission to secure all windows, Shukti was still on the bed in hysterics. This went on for hours and sleep did not come easy, Shukti was leaving early to fly to Mumbai an when we woke I was still off my tits. She was 'feeling fine' and was showered and packed and bright eyed and bushy tailed and I was floored. I still felt hammered and I could hardly move or talk. Then Shukti dropped the bombshell that she hadn't actually had as much as me that she was pretending to have a whole teaspoon each time but was in fact was only having half which I though was pretty shit, there is one thing I insist on when indulging in such activities as these and that is honesty. No one wants to feel like they have taken double in comparison to everyone else of some unknown concoction when you have no idea about the effect and no one likes to be lied to and I thought it was a good job that she was pissing off back to Mumbai because I would have given her a piece of my mind once I was capable of talking.

I went back to a strange trippy sleep for a few hours filled with strange dreams and out of body experiences and then went to get some food with Pnina and was beginning to feel normal again.
 I know now I will not try bhang again to be honest it brought back so many memories of nights shacking and crying on the floor hoping and praying the effects of what ever I had taken would eventually wear off. I knew that that life for me was over and I was glad I had tried it and I was glad that I realised that I didn't need anything artificial to make me feel good, that the feeling of complete joy I get when I am meditating or the feeling of deep connection during a yoga class or the feeling of waking early in the morning and feeling the blood pump around my body whilst running along the river Ganges out weighed  all of it.

I know it will take me days to recover but I have no regrets, things could have gone horribly wrong but they didn't and I had learned many more lessons and I knew everyday I was getting closer to where I wanted to be and everyday I was discovering the kind of lifestyle I wanted to live.

Sod Off Sadhu

I was glad to get out of Lashmanjhula and away from the 'House of Horrors' and the 'Pervert'.

My lovely sweet friend Esme that I used to work with in Cyprus years ago had given me the name of a friend of hers in Rishikesh. I called him and met him and he kindly found me a great apartment right on the river Ganges.

I have a huge balcony where I do my yoga and every day and I have a little kitchen so I can prepare my own food and I even have a beautiful dopey cow that comes to visit me everyday.  I have named her Blu due to the fact that some twat has painted her horns navy.
She looks up at my balcony and moo's until she gets my attention and I come out  of my room and onto the balcony. She just looks up at me so lovingly through her long black eyelashes and big brown eyes and now I keep a supply of fruit in my room all the time so when she moo's I run out and sling some bananas off the balcony down to her.
It's really funny, she turns up every afternoon about 4pm and all the locals walking past laugh at me and the daft cow looking up at me. We are a bit like Romeo and Juliet but the animal version. Two fat cows loving each other from two different worlds.

 Any way yesterday I was on the balcony eating a papaya and sharing it with Blu when a Sadhu in his orange robes rocks up next to Blu and starts shouting at me to throw him down some money, the cheeky bleeder. Now I'm not sure what all this Sadhu business is all about and I don't want to be disrespectful but as far as I can see , if you are fit enough to be walking all over India then you are fit enough to get your arse in gear and get a soddin job.
Most of these Sadhus are sat at the side of the road all day with a begging bowl in one hand shaking it at you as you walk past and a huge joint in the other. Well I have paid for drugs more times than I care to remember for men over the years and I have not come to India to repeat the same mistake.
There are hundreds of these Sadhus in Rishikesh all robed up in their orange cloth and carrying a stick and a begging bowl, they are every where you look but I'm really not sure about their legitimacy. I have read some incredible books talking about these wise old spiritual men of India but to be honest a lot of the ones I have met have just been begging old pervs.

The other day I was down at the Ganga meditating and a Sadhu comes over and taps me on the shoulder dragging me unwillingly out of my inner peace. Now usually if a man touches me like that, that I don't know I would for sure smack his hand away from me and I would have told him to feck off out of there, but I thought to myself this could be one of those moments in life where some one, some incredible spiritual being talks to me and changes the way I feel and live the rest of my entire life.
 This didn't turn out to be one of those experiences unfortunately and I wish I had of told him to feck off.

He asked me to take his photograph so trying not to be sceptical I obliged. Then of course he asked me for money so I put my hand into my bag and pulled out a couple of coins that I had been keeping there for such an occasion. I learned to keep all my notes together in one purse and then coins separate in another purse to give to beggars that way I didn't have to get out a purse full of notes in front of them that they would have sure insisted I gave them
 Anyway the rotten sod took one look at the 2 rupee's I had offered and screwed up his face like he had just encountered a bad fart,  "No madame not enough I want 50 rupees' the bloody cheek of it, well you can piss off for your 50 rupees I thought and I was beginning to wish that this bloody Sadhu would sod off!  so I put the coins back in my bag absolutely fumin at his cheek. Well he was not impressed he started huffing and puffing like a steam engine. "Give me the 50 rupees madame, you took photo of me, you very rich, you very white, you very money"
 I was starting to get really pissed off with this Sadhu "I also have common sense in this very rich, white head"  I said "and if someone gives you 2 rupees you should be very bloody grateful and not demand more,  now piss off and get a job"
 Well I probably shouldn't of said the last part but to be honest he asked fore it. He stormed off down the beach with sand kicking up in the air behind him with his orange robes flying behind him like angry fire, looking over his shoulder at me with venom in his nasty greedy eyes cursing me in Hindi. I'm not sure where he was heading but I doubt very much that he was off to the job center.


There is also a Sadhu here that has really put the wind up me and that is the only thing he will be putting up me I can tell you.
 One day I was walking through town and we came face to face with each other. I was struck by how familiar he seemed and similar we looked. We were both dressed in orange and he had green eyes like mine and long dark curly hair. I was frozen to the spot, it felt like he was holding me there with the power of his stare. I had just read in a book that the only woman that stare back at you if you look in their eyes are western woman and prostitutes, well most Indian men think we are the same thing anyway, but I couldn't help it I was stood there like stone rooted into the earth. He mumbled some madness that I didn't understand but there was most definitely lust in those piercing eyes, I could see it and smell it,  it hung between us like a blanket of dirty dark demonic lust.
Eventually I pulled myself away from him and I felt shaken and violated, unclean like he had touched me, it was very strange. Since that day I see him everywhere. Sometimes I am walking and I feel his eyes on me and I see him then hiding in the shadows watching me. This sounds crazy but just now I went outside to get some water and he was outside the Internet cafe just watching me and I really felt he knew that I was writing about him. It's a strange feeling but when I see him it is like every thing around us is in slow motion and he looks deep into my soul and everything else fades away apart from me and him, it's scary.
His dark green eyes scan every inch of my body and he is mumbling under his breath, he seems troubled and angry and it is obvious to me  that the lift most definitely does not go to the top floor there.

I talked to my new friend about it who is Indian and he said that most of the Sadhus that are begging in the street are bloody loaded. He told me that most of them sell drugs and most of them have girlfriends and not to give them anything because they get free food every where they go because people are scared that they will put a curse on them.
 To be honest I couldn't give a toss about a curse because if they are selling drugs and sleeping with girls and tricking people into giving them money then they are not spiritual men,  they are imposter's, bogus and no better than the rest of us sinners. So as far as I am concerned they have no powers anyway and I would think I would be more capable of giving them a good kicking all over the banks of the Ganges than they would be of putting as curse on me.
 Anyway just in case I am going to give them a wide birth along with the dogs and the monkeys which is a shame because there are bound to be some legit Sadhus amongst them, its just unfortunate that I have met the beggars and the ball scratches.

My friend told me that a lot of Sadhus just up and leave their families, their wives and children and just go off into the mountains visiting shrines and temples. I think it is wonderful that someone has a call from God and wants to dedicate their life to God but what about their children? what about their wife? who is going to look after them?
I don't understand it and I'm not saying it is wrong because it is exactly what Buddha did and the world I think is a better place because he did but still I think some men just piss off because they are fed up of the responsibility of a family and they want to be free of it so they throw on some orange robes call them selves a Sadhu (monk) and abandon their family and wander alone selfishly without any responsibility begging when they are fit enough to work and getting stoned. Sounds very much like half of my ex boyfriends.

I do give money to some of the beggars in Rishikesh just not the saucy Sadhus.
Every day I give a little to a man that sits under a tree with a calf. They are there every day, I have some photos of them on face book. I think the man has had polio as his legs are very thin and they look like they have not developed they are tucked up underneath his body, just folded lifeless limbs.
It is so wonderful to watch him and this little baby calf together. I think the calf thinks this man is his mommy because she nuzzles up against him rubbing her face into the warmth of his little body, it is very touching, there is so much love between them. The man has never asked me for money he just sits on the floor under this tree looking up at everyone with a beautiful smile.
There are a lot of beggars with missing limbs and deformities. One lady in Lakshanjhula sits on the same steps everyday holding out her arm, I don't know what has happened to it, it is really inflamed and red and it is covered in flies, they are eating away at it. It is very sad.


I really would love to meet a wise spiritual man here in India. I have read such wonderful accounts of people meeting these incredible magical and mysterious souls that wonder through spiritual India, sharing their wisdom and tales of God,  I'm sure I could learn many things from such souls as these but I am going to wait and if there is such a soul in Rishikesh then if it is Gods will then I will meet him.

The Perv & The Dancing Girl

Once the boys had left India I decided to move down the hill to Lahshmanjhula. I wanted to be closer to the river and even though it was incredibly beautiful up there in the hills I did not want to have to keep walking up and down the hill alone or having to get rickshaws everyday so it made sense to move.

I hate trying to find rooms, walking all over the place in the heat and trudging up and down stairs with my back pack so I decided to check into a hotel where I knew a friend of mine Vessna was staying. We had met at the Sivananda Ashram in Kerala and had bumped into each other a few days ago in the street and she had told me she was staying in this hotel and it was ok, so I thought It would be nice to be close to someone I knew and it saved me looking all over town in the heat.

As soon as I met the manager I knew he was a Perv.

He was of average Indian height, had a huge gut that overflowed his skin tight cheap denim jeans that were far too tight to be descent. His hair was died black with an inch of white re-growth and combed high into a fonz like quiff on top of his head. When he talked to me he stared at my breasts with his small beady shiffty eyes and pushed his gross groin in my direction with his pudgy arms on his lopsided hips. Like a lot of Northern Indian men he chewed a red like paste that left the teeth stained brown and crumbling and at various intervals he turned his head sideways to spit the red venom onto the floor at my feet.
As soon as he saw me he said "Oh madame, you look so young', which of course is complete bull shit,  for a start he had not even seen my passport so how could he judge whether I look young or not as he didn't even know my age.  For all he knew I could have been 19 years old and due to alcohol and drug addiction could now look 40. Obviously it was one of his slimy chat up lines that I wish he would keep to his slimy self.
He handed me his card and pointed out his 'personal number' and told me to call him anytime day or night if I needed anything at all.  AS IF, I thought. I would not ask for his help if I was drowning in the river Ganges and he sailed past in a boat because to be honest God knows what he would dangle over the side for me to grab.

The room was damp with paint crumbling off the walls but it was cheap, 350 rupees per day which is about a fiver so I took it. I decided to stay for a few days until I got to know the town and then I would look for someplace else and leave the 'House of Horrors'. 'The Perv' told me anyway that there was free yoga everyday with 'Shakti' donation only so that was great I only had to wonder up to the next floor for my daily yoga.

I unpacked my bag again and tried to make my self at home but to be honest I missed Mr Nepal. I didn't think I would, but with him around every moment is filled with laughter and hugs and kisses and here I was in a shit room by myself hugging my Roland rat. I missed his business partner too we had made a great traveling trio. None of us complained about anything, that is the joy of traveling with men, we just got on with it and had fun.
Anyway they were gone and I was here and I knew I would be ok I just had to get used to flying solo again.
When Mr Nepal had been here I had let him decided the schedule and lead the way so I was looking forward to getting to know the town by myself and meeting people. I was feeling a lot more like being social these days, I remember when I arrived in India 3 months ago I was a right anti social twat I didn't want to make friends at all with anyone. I only wanted to chat to the locals, I just wanted peace and solitude but now I was ready for a bit of company and longed for some girlie giggles too.

One afternoon I was wondering through the little windy back streets of Lakshmanjhula when I saw a pretty girl dancing on the side of the street to the music coming out of a little place called Bongo Drums. There were some hippie looking guys with dreadlocks sitting around playing the Didgeridoo and some drums and she was just swaying side to side to the music. She had a sweet round face, huge brown eyes and dark short chocolate curls. She was waving her palms around and around each other, clicking her fingers and smiling while swishing this way and that while her long scarf encircled her womanly curves covered in colourful  silks. I just stood across the street and watched her as she danced, she was quite an attraction, Indian families had stopped to watch her and were taking photos of her on their mobile phones and I thought how wonderful it was that one person could create such enticing and inviting energy that made people stop in their tracks and stare.
I felt envious of her freedom and confidence. I know people think I am confident but I am in fact very shy and I could never just start dancing in the street like that so freely and confidently. The only time I dance in front of people is when I am pissed. It's true and I know how ridicules that is but I only dance when I am bladderd. I think I started drinking because I am so shy and I wanted to be able to let go to enjoy myself to be able to dance and talk to boys but somehow it all went a little to far.

Anyway I walked on and found myself outside a palm readers shop. Of course inquisitive I stepped inside.
Inside was a sweet little man in his seventies I would think. He was dressed in traditional Indian attire, a long white tunic over white loose pants. He was wearing sandalwood prayer beads on a red string around his neck and was chanting spiritual mantras as he dusted a statue of Ganesha. When he saw me he blessed me with a beautiful smile filled with perfect false teeth and his walnut eyes twinkled at me through his little round Gandhi style glasses.
You just know when you have met someone special don't you and I knew when I met him he was special, for sure.
He explained to me that he read palms and did full horoscope charts that would tell me my future, marriages, children, occupation, illnesses to prevent with diet, mantras to recite everyday etc etc but he needed my time of birth. I didn't know what time I was born so he agreed to read my palm for 300 rupees about 4 pound and I would call my Momsie in England later to find out and then would go back to have my chart done some other time.
I have had my palm read before in England by a clairvoyant I have been seeing for years and I wanted to see if they predicted the same or if they were completely different. The sweet little old man glared at my hand through a huge ancient looking magnifying glass and went on to give me the most wonderful news. I really would love to share it with you all but I'm scared that it may jinx it, I'm scared that if people doubt it,  it may not come true and I so so want it too. He told me snippets of my past that were surprisingly accurate and he gave me warnings about the future that I will certainty consider.
 He also told me to buy a Lapiz Lazuli stone and to wear it around my neck or on the middle finger of my left hand. He said this would help to balance me and prepare me for what was to come. He told me to go down to the river on  Saturday morning and offer a prayer up to God asking for guidance and strength so I may receive the wonderful gift he had predicted I would receive.
What a load of balls, you are probably thinking, but what harm can it do?

So off I went through the lanes of lakshmanjhula in search of a lapiz Lazuli Chrystal. I love the stone of rich dark petrol blue flecked with dashes of gold  so I was happy anyway to buy a new piece of jewelry for myself. I already wear Lapiz lazuli earrings that dangle close to my neck  bringing me clear thought and an open mind.

I knew I would know the stone for me when I saw it but it took me days to find it.
Eventually I walked into a shop to find a lovely lady sat behind the counter. I chose this shop because nobody had rugby tackled me to the floor to get me in there and I was so pleased there was a woman there instead of the usual 3 or 4 men chatting away to each other in Hindi, scratching their balls, clearing their throats and staring at me and laughing amongst themselves.
We sat together for about an hour. I told her all about my palm reader and she showed me her collection of wonderful exquisite Chrystal's that her and her husband had been collecting for over 20yrs. She passed me huge quarts to hold and told me to close my eyes and feel the energy which  I did gratefully. I sat there holding the most beautiful Chrystal's, rose quartz, smokey quartz, polished stones and uncut geode's  feeling the warmth and tingles travel through my hands,  up my arms and to my heart centre and when I opened my eyes she was sat smiling at me understanding what I had felt.
 It is so good to be around people that get me. In my life in England a lot of the people I know including my sister think I am strange and my sister has even accused me of being a witch and part of a cult so it is refreshing for me to be  in India,  to be able to talk openly about my spirituality and  to feel accepted and understood.
The lovely lady lifted a tray of Lapiz Lazuli rings from under the counter and placed them in front of me. I scanned them gently and then spotted the one I knew was mine.  I said a silent prayer as I picked it up that it would be big enough to fit my middle finger of my left hand  where I had been advised to wear it and it did. It fitted perfectly and the deep blue teardrop shape stone looked like it had always been there on my hand. I loved it and it was a fair price and I left happy with the ring inside a silk pouch protected until Saturday morning. The lovely lay told me to return to visit her, "Not to buy madam" she said just to visit her and sit and she said she would bring more crystals from her home to share with me.

The next morning I woke to a peculiar sensation in my stomach which resulted with me spending 2 days in my room glued to the toilet bowl.  Now I'm not complaining because as all my friends know I have been constipated for the best part of fifteen years and I have been in India for 3 months and I have not been sick at all. I had no real pain just a slight cramp but there was no way I could leave my room because I was on the loo more than what I was off it. I totally lost my appetite which was a good thing as I had no energy at all to venture out of my room to get anything and I constantly felt nauseous.
After 2 days off being confined to my moldy damp room which I was sure was beginning to make me smell moldy too,  I took a slow walk down to the reception. I really needed to get some fresh air and wanted to  get some fruit juice to replace some of the sugars that India's sewage system had swallowed.
 I could not believe how weak I felt.  I was light headed and caught a glimpse of myself in the reception mirror and I looked the colour of boiled shite.

'The Perv' was there at the desk and looked up at my boobs and wished them good morning. He then looked up to my eyes and pulled a face like he had just licked piss off stinging nettles  "Ehhhh madame looking very shit today"  I mean, for the love of God,  I ask you, have you ever heard the like??? ' thank you'  I said irritated by his rudeness and just the fact that I had to deal with the prick.  'I feel terrible I have been in my room for 2 days'.
"Sit, sit" he said and pushed me down into the plastic chair behind the reception desk.  Obviously 'The Perv' saw an opportunity, he took no time at all in getting his filthy hands on me, he picked up my wrist and pushed his 2 fingers into my tender veins, 'pitta imbalance madame and you have problem with your period and your shit"  is there any need!!! Silver tongue charmer I thought, who on earth taught him his English.
'Follow me I give you tablet to stop the shit". I was seriously considering talking to him about his English language but today I did not have the energy so I followed him to what I believed to be his Ayurvedic consultation room. He opened the door but it was not an Ayurvedic room at all it was a normal hotel room with a grubby dirty bed which I assumed he slept on due to the greasy marks and dribble stains on the pillow. 'Lie down madam and take off your blouse, I have something that will make you feel much betters" he was stood there with a bottle of oil in his hand with his legs apart, groin pushed forward bulging out ready all whilst licking his lips. I was out of there like a rat up a drain pipe, he was screaming after me 'madame you very strange, you do not understand Ayurveda, you have depression in your mind" but I understood perfectly, and I understood for sure that it was time to leave that shit hole of a hotel and get as far away from that fukin old perv as possible.

I had been given the number of an Indian man who was a friend of a dear friends of mine so I called him and went to see him and he said he would help me find a room.  Also it turned out that the beautiful girl with the big brown eyes and the chocolate curls I saw dancing In the street turned out to be Shakti the yoga teacher from the house of horrors (my hotel).

We had met each other outside my room and started chatting and of course the conversation led to 'The Perv'.  Shakti told me how 'The Perv' had been hitting on other girls in the hotel and they had had enough and were leaving and she too had had enough of him. He had tried to rip her off with how much she was taking from her yoga classes even though they were supposed to be free he was trying to take 50% of the donations that people had given.
It turned out that Shakti and myself got along like peas and carrots, we spent the next 3 days together and it was great. Shakti is one of those people that is just full of good energy. She is great to be around and I was gutted when she left to go north to Daramasala.
Me and Shakti visited an old ashram that the Beatles had stayed at in the 60's and it was an incredible day. The ashram is actually closed now due to some ongoing problem with the government but you can pay a fee at the locked gate and can go inside.
Inside the main hall that was crumbling away with holes in the roof were a group of artists. They were painting murals on the stone walls. They had painted the Beatles of course and some religious figures, the Guru of the ashram and others. It was wonderful just to watch them work. Shakti and I just sat on the floor which was covered in dust and debris and broken glass and paint and paint brushes.
Shakti kind of floated off somewhere beautiful, it was as if she left her body and floated above us all swirling and twisting to the sound of the guitar. One of the artists had a guitar and he sang the most wonderful songs and had the sexiest husky voice and he was so gorgeous that we just watched his mouth as it moved with our mouths hanging open.
We stayed there for over an hour just listening and watching and floating on the incredible energy we felt there and Shakti danced barefoot amongst the glass and the dirt.
Shakti is 28years  old but wise beyond her years in so many ways but with a childlike cuteness too. I admire her confidence, she lights up a room when she walks into it and she is so open and free and positive.
Shakti had been robbed on a train a week before. A man had stolen her bag with all of her valuables in, her laptop, her camera all her music and money and photos,  nearly breaking her finger and seriously shacking her up. Shakti was so brave and she was so positive about it and I really admire her strength and good attitude. 'He has wiped my karma free" she said 'I am free now to start again".

We had so many laughs together and it was so nice to talk about boys and sex and girlie stuff and of course all ladies favorite subject, our bowels, LOL.

The one lesson I learned from Shakti and the last thing she said to me when we said goodbye was 'Don't settle for second best". I told her a lot about my life and how my relationships had been and so on and she told me not to settle for anyone that was not what I wanted and was not good enough. In the past I have tolerated men that really I should have never allowed through the front door let alone the back lol, but now I could see why I had and I knew things had changed and I knew I would never do that again.
Shakti was so open about her sexuality and she told me "Jacquelina I have had many lovers from different countries, it's great and I make sure that they are great" and she reminded me of me when I was her age just traveling around having fun and being carefree but Shakti was far more connected than I was and she allowed herself to be far more free. I was always wrapping myself up in the barbed wire of guilt which is ridiculous.
 She knows what she wants and she asks for it if you know what I mean. She does not allow men to be selfish. She is a strong passionate woman and God is she hot. I considered throwing a bucket of cold water over her on several occasions when she spotted a man she liked because the heat waves would just come off her scorching the grass and trees around her.
So with Shakti gone it was time for me to leave the House of Horrors and The Perv and I was ready. My friends friend had found me a room further south down the river in Rananjhula so I was packed and off for my next adventure.

The Sacred River & Saying Goodbye

Mr Nepal his business partner and myself could not wait to get the hell out of Agra, what a strange place, filled with strange people that look like they had been interbred a thousand times over and belted over the head at birth for good measure.

Our next destination was Rishikesh Uttarakhand in the foothills of the Himalayas but we had to first travel back to Delhi by bus which was about 6 hours as all the trains were full, collect our luggage and then travel by bus again for about 10 hours from Delhi to Rishikesh.
The bus from Agra to Delhi ended up taking about 9 hours due to traffic caused by two different traffic accidents along the way and because we arrived in Delhi later than expected that meant we had to tear through the streets of Delhi,  grab our stuff and jump on another bus that was being held for us and travel all through the night without food or a shower or change of clothes.

The bus to Rishikesh was a rusty, rattling box of old tin. The driver and his guide were a pair of bad tempered miserable bastards that just shouted orders at everyone, telling people to, move, get up, sit down, shut up all that was missing was fuck off!
I don't know what scam they were operating but no one was allowed to put there luggage in the luggage area under the bus, we were all told to take our luggage on to the bus with us. So the isle was full of bags and to get off the bus to use the loo or to get fresh air you had to climb over everyone's bags. We did hear some banging coming from the luggage area so maybe they had smuggled people or drugs or both under there, I don't know but whatever it was it had made the driver and the guide very hostile towards us and I couldn't wait to get off.

Eventually we arrived in Rishikesh. We were all exhausted but it was so wonderful to get off the bus and to breathe in the fresh mountain air after being in Delhi amongst all of the dust and smog.
The mountains were beautiful and lush and green and it was so  early that the sun had not yet risen so the day was fresh and new and just coming alive. I felt the cool breeze through my curls and I felt really great that I was here in Rishikesh.
This is the point that the wooded mountains of Garhwal rise from the low valley and where the Mother Ganges crashes onto the plains. This is where the yogis and sadhus start their pilgrimage north to the high Himalayas to the mountain temples and shrines. This is where I had longed to be, to swim in the sacred river and purify my soul and wash away my sins, to mingle with spiritual people and learn more of how to live a pure and honest life.
It was so early that all the guest houses and chai shops (tea shops) were still closed, no one was around, the streets were deserted so we just sat on a low stone wall and the boys smoked their cigarettes and we watched the moody cows waggling through the streets and the cheeky monkeys taking their morning exercise.

Mr Nepal organised rooms for us  from his never ending list of contacts. He had worked in Rishikesh 6 years ago so he knew people there, so we stayed at the guest house were he used to work. It was beautiful and high up in the hills overlooking the village of Lakshmanjhula and the sparkling turquoise river. It was peaceful and cool and fresh. The boys were due to leave India in 4 days to head to Nepal  so Mr Nepal ordered whiskey and Himalayan smokey and enjoyed 4 days of fun. I know I said I wasn't going to drink alcohol while I was here but to be honest I knew it was just for a very short time just a few days and I was sensible..... ish. I never drank in the day especially in the morning which for me is a no no as it means all day oblivion and I only drank once I had eaten a good meal and I drank at least 4 litre's of water a day to purify the effects. But because my system was so pure and toxin free I really did feel the effects. I felt tired every morning and couldn't go to yoga and I can honestly say that I'm glad I did it because it proved to me again that I really want to live my life without any artificial stimulants because there is always a price to pay and it is rarely worth it.

We saw a lot of Rishikesh together we went to the centre of the town and ate great food and found a restaurant that specialised in southern Indian cuisine because Mr Nepal's business partner was missing his coconut curries and rotti's. 
We went to the local town of Haridwar known as the 'Gates of God'. This is the exact spot that the river Ganges leaves the mountains and is visited by hundreds of Hindus every day. Every twelve years there is a huge festival  'Kumbh Mela' were thousands of Hindus travel from all over India and the world on pilgrimage to pray. There we rode cable cars up into the mountains to visit 2 incredible temples that are not usually visited by westerners but Mr Nepal negotiated again with the locals and I was allowed to enter.

One day we all went down to the river and we swam and played in the water and it was wonderful. We floated a small offering into the water, golden marigolds and  incense and a small candle wrapped inside a little basket made from a banana leaf. We all prayed and lit the candle and watched it float away down the river taking our prayers with it. The energy of the river is incredibly powerful. I was really surprised how beautiful the beach was I had not expected a beach I had always thought the river, though sacred would be dirty with dead donkeys and litter floating by but it was so so clean. The sand  was soft and shimmered under the sun like the inside of a Crystal Geode and the water was transparent and cool and the most beautiful colour of Japanese Jade, it was more beautiful than I had ever imagined it to be.
Emerged there in Mother Ganges up to my neck I felt cleansed and pure and so close to God, it was magical and I will never forget it.

It was sad saying goodbye to Mr Nepal & his business partner. We had had a great time together and we had seen so much and done so much. We enjoyed our last supper together and drank cheep whisky and smoked the Himalayan finest but to be honest I knew the love affair with Mr Nepal had run it's course. We were worlds apart. I was 10 years older than he and he told me his family are of the highest caste in Nepal, that they descend from royalty and even though my friends affectionately call me Queen Jacqueline I most certainly do not descended from royalty.
I knew there was no future for us but we had had a great time and I had learnt many lessons from our little love affair. I learnt that I can be stubborn and childish and also that I can be wrong. I also learnt that I can love and I want to be loved and I am ready for that. I also learnt that for me I want to be with a spiritual partner someone that lives an honest life with God in his heart and I know that alcohol and drugs no longer hold any attraction for me at all.
Mr Nepal's business partner is a great man, kind, hansom, funny and caring and I will miss his friendly face.
Mr Nepal is gorgeous and funny and has a thirst for fun and life and wants to enjoy every second of every day and that its a wonderful energy to be part of.
 But I knew it was time for me to get back on track. I missed my yoga, I missed waking up fresh and talking to God, I missed my chanting, Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna and I was looking forward to being back on my own and cleansing myself again. It will take many dunks in the river to get rid of all this whiskey and smoke I thought.
And I knew that all I had done really was satisfy the flesh. I had given in to my desires and satisfied my flesh, but that was all that was satisfied. My soul was not satisfied and I knew it never would be with sex, alcohol and drugs, so I said goodbye and I was grateful honestly for what we had shared and what I had learned but now back on my own I was ready for the next part of my adventure and the only stimulant I needed was God.

The Beautiful Taj Mahal

Agra is one bloody strange place.

To be honest if you are planning to go there to see the Taj Mahal then go, see it and get the hell out of there as fast as you can.

We arrived about 10pm to Agra and as the train pulled into the station I could feel the negative energy pouring into the carriages through the windows. I don't know why or how I get these feelings but I just do and traveling alone all over the world for as long as I have I have learned to listen to my gut instinct and my gut was telling me that Agra was not a place to be spending any more time than was necessary in.
The station was in complete darkness and I was again so relieved to be with two men because if I was alone I'm not sure I would have got off and braved the darkness and whatever evil it concealed.
As soon as we were off the train we were surrounded by 10 or 20 men pushing us and shoving us, trying to get us to go with them to hotels and guest houses and I was glad that I had left my back pack in the room  in Delhi and only had a small overnight jobbie to worry about.
 Mr Nepal was as cool as a cucumber and told them all very politely in Hindi to 'fuck the hell off into the darkness and die' but still they trailed us through the car-park out of the train station and up the road. We left Mr Nepal to handle the negotiations and eventually we all climbed into a rickshaw and headed off in to the night to find a hotel I had found in The rough guide. Of course the driver made a de-tour to a hotel he was obviously paid commission from to bring guests to, but we sat firm, didn't get out and told him to shift his dusty ass up the road and find our hotel. He wasn't happy but eventually we landed at our hotel and it was so good to be in the safety of the four walls.

Mr Nepal on the other hand had different ideas and wanted to have a few beers so off we went against my gut feeling back into the bad vibes of Agra with another rickshaw driver who promised to bring us to a 'very good bar sir, very nice, very cheap' and wait for us to drink our beers and take us back to the hotel.

Well as soon as I walked into the joint I knew I should be spinning on the worn down heel of my flip flop and be getting my big tired ass out of there. I'm not saying it was the worst bar I have drank in because believe me I have drank in more dives than Amy Whinehouse but it looked like the kind of place that the local gangsters would avoid because they knew they were bound to get involved in a fight with a rival gang.

We stepped inside a dark smokey room and the only other woman in there was either Indian  or Nepalese and was definitely a prostitute. All the guys were huddled together nudging each other as we walked past and had shifty eyes and stained teeth and the atmosphere was dark and full of danger.  We all looked at each other and knew we could not stay in that room so compromising with the fact that Mr Nepal really wanted to have a beer we sat outside the bar and drank our beers fast. Mr Nepal as usual had a bit of a thirst on so he ordered a couple more beers and then he decided that he had made a mistake by bringing me to that hovel and he wanted to get me out of there and back to the hotel (not before he had had his second beer though, I noticed, nice touch)
So all safe and ready to go we stood outside and tried to locate our rickshaw driver but he was no where to be seen. I was beginning to worry and thinking, shite this is not the kind of place to get stranded. three strangers from out of town, one Nepalese and an Indian man that you can tell has a bit of money and a western woman with a bag. Then finally up stumbles our rickshaw driver from the basement blind drunk and dribbling crap down his vest, he could barely stand. "what the fuck are we going to do now" I asked the other two, but we all knew we had no bloody choice we had to get in the rickshaw with the drunken bag of shite that took us there and get the hell out of there.
It's amazing how someone can be blind drunk, cant stand but put them behind a wheel of a car and they drive like the old bird off 'Driving Miss daisy' Now I'm not suggesting you try it but on that night in Agra I have to say it was the calmest, gentlest leisurely drive through the dark streets and to be honest we had no bloody choice anyway.

We all went to bed and I was so excited I couldn't wait to wake up and see the Taj Mahal for the 1st time. We were all up and showered by 6am and on the roof of our hotel watching the beautiful sun rise above the strange town of Agra basking the opal coloured Taj Mahal in a veil of sheer mist. It seemed so strange that such a beautiful monument could be there in the middle of all of that dirt and danger.

Nothing can prepare you for your first sight of the Taj Mahal. It is the most beautiful building I have ever seen. It is the most beautiful thing, I have ever seen apart from the faces of my Niece and Nephew when I saw them for the first seconds of their lives.
We hired a guide who walked us through the grounds and told us the enchanting story of how the great Emperor Shah Jahan had loved his wife so much that when she died he built the Taj Mahal to house her tomb and when he died he was buried beside her where they would lie side by side for eternity encased in the beautiful white marble walls.
I thought to myself, bloody hell I can rarely get a man to stay until the pissin morning and here look at this love, a huge monument built to entwine 2 hearts for all eternity.
I was surprised to discover that we were allowed inside the Taj and it was so incredibly beautiful. The white marble walls so smooth and so cool and Garnet and Lapis lazuli and other precious and semi precious stones from Africa and Israel adorning the the walls. For me it was a dream come true and walking through the beautiful gardens full of blossoming trees and flower gardens,  I knew how blessed I was and I thanked God for those special moments for what I had seen on this day and felt in my heart.

Before leaving the Taj Mahal I kissed one of it's beautiful marble walls and sat for a moment on the stool at the front of the Taj where Princess Diana had sat looking so beautiful yet so sad and alone. Sitting there I too felt lonely and sad, I suppose hearing of the immense love that Shah Jahan had had for his wife made me realise that I had never had that  kind of love for anyone and I don't think anyone has had that kind of love for me and I wondered if that was what Diana was thinking as she sat there all alone with all those photographers shooting photos of her.

I promised the great Emperor that  I would be back, one day but next time I would not be alone because even though I was with my 2 friends, my heart was still alone, but next time no, I knew it would be different and I knew I would be in love with someone and I would come there filled with love because that is the only way to be in the presence of such a place that was built from love, from the deepest most sincere and heart warming love and it made tears sting my eyes because I knew with all of my heart I wanted that kind of love and I knew I deserved it and I knew now I was able to give that kind of love to somebody else.

The Delhi Schedule

Well I had a wonderful time in Delhi.

Me Nepal's staff travelled back to Nepal so that left just the three of us. Mr Nepal his business partner and me.
We saw so much of the crazy city and did so many things. Every morning we would be up early and out and we would be travelling all over the city from Old Delhi to New Delhi, from Temples to Mosques from the lush pretty gardens in the modern area to the poor slums on the edge of the city filled with poverty and disease. We must have used every form of transport under the fiery sun, the train, metro, cycle rickshaw, motor rickshaw and at one point we travelled on a cart pulled by a bull the size of an elephant.

We visited a beautiful Mosque, the largest mosque in India The Jama Masjid. The courtyard is huge and holds over 25,000 worshippers, thank God they were not all there on that day.
Mr Nepal's business partner is a Muslim so for him especially it was an experience of a lifetime, but for all of us it was incredible.
 It was so so beautiful. It is made from rich red sandstone and pearly white marble that felt so refreshingly cool under my hot feet and just pressing my cheek against the beautiful smooth walls made me feel so peaceful inside.
The Mosque was designed by Shah Jahan the man who designed both the Taj Mahal and the Red Fort. It sits proudly on Bho jhal one of Shahjahanabad's two hills and over looks the colourful streets of Old Delhi.
We climbed the red sandstone staircases enfolded in their coolness and peacefulness to the top of the tower that overlooked the splendour of the Mosque, it's white marble bulbous domes and minaret reaching into the heavens.

 I stood in the shadows and watched my friend as he prayed to God. It was a beautiful moment seeing the peace and devotion on his handsome face and it made me question again how people can be so ignorant and small minded and believe that only one religion can be right. Of course there can not be only path to God, the world is full of millions of different people, thousands of different cultures and hundreds of customs and beliefs so how can anyone try to force all of that onto one path.
Watching devote Muslims pray that day, hearing their words of devotion whispered into the sacred breeze of that magnificent place I felt so close to God and close to the peace that I think we are all looking for.

Travelling the world I have been so fortunate to live within Buddhist countries, Muslim, Christian and Hindu. My dearest and kindest friends are Krishna Devotees and I have met the most special souls in all of these faiths so again I feel that only ignorance can try to dictate that there is only one path to God.
For me I believe that if you want to have God in your life, if you want to live to do Gods work then open your heart and let God come in. The door is always open we just have to step inside.

 I think our path will be shown to us eventually if we really seek to find it. I was born into an Irish Roman Catholic family but I know that is not the path for me. My brother who is the most kind and loving soul is a Christian but again I love Jesus and his teachings but I know that the Christian path is not the way for me and my sister who I love dearly is such an extremist in her faith that she believes that if you do not follow the path to God through Christ you will burn in hell. I think that it is crazy to believe that all  Hindu's are wrong and all  Buddhists and so on and only the Christians are right. It is ludicrous and unbelievable to me. I respect the path that my family have chosen and I only wish my sister could respect mine.
If we could just understand that there is only one God and we all have the right to follow our own path to find him and to respect each other and our differences then what a peaceful world we would live in.

So as I stood there watching my friend pray I realised that I would always feel just as comfortable in a Mosque as I do in a temple or in a Church because my heart is open to God and he will find me where ever I am and whatever building I am standing in.

We also visited the Red fort (Lal Qila).
Again it is built with red sandstone and is modelled on the fort at Agra. It was incredibly beautiful with lush gardens and marble domes and a beautiful mosque in it's grounds all surrounded by a huge moat that was once filled with cool water from the Yamuna river.
It was very busy, mainly huge Indian family's from small babies right up to the grandparents, I thought it was wonderful that so many people take their whole families on these trips to educate them about their country and History.
The Visit to the museum within the fort was very hard for me. In every room there were paintings and sculptures depicting the British invasion and rule over India and their struggle for Independence.
 The fear they brought with them etched into every painting before my eyes and as I stood there among all of those Indian people I felt ashamed and sickened of my heritage and my white skin.
So many people died so many people suffered, so much was taken and raped and stolen from these people. I felt I had to get out of there because I felt I was contaminated, that stood there I was a reminder to them all of what had been done to them and their people.
 So I left and waited outside in the shadows crying for all of those terrible things that we had done.

We also visited the very beautiful lotus temple that stands so peacefully like a white angel amongst a million flowers overlooking the dusty city. It is shaped like a giant lotus flower and inside it is so cool and so peaceful and the white marble floor radiates like a beautiful lake lit with the sun shinning through the windows. It is not dedicated to any particular religion, it is a shrine of Love to God, a place where anyone from any religion can go to pray to God and be still.
 The three of us sat in prayer inside the white marble silence and I don't think anywhere in the world was more peaceful at that moment.

Travelling in male company makes it so much easier in India. Don't get me wrong I have been travelling now for three months alone and no one has touched me or overstepped the line to the point that I felt frightened or threatened but the attention is overwhelming. Everybody stares at me all the time and when you are surrounded by 20 men on a bus and all 20 sets of eyes are looking at every inch of your body then you do feel uncomfortable. So travelling with an Indian man and a Nepalese man made me feel a lot more comfortable and protected.
We were able to see so much of the City because Mr Nepal had been there so many times. He would lead the way and we would follow through busy bizarres and narrow back streets, dodging crazy drivers and clumsy cows, we travelled  in boats on rivers and trains under and over  the city.

There are so many more places to see in Delhi but in four days we never stopped rushing this way and that and we were all exhausted and to be honest four days was more than enough. I would definitely come back and do a little more there but the pollution and hecticness of the place really is intense so I really was ready to leave the city.
We were leaving the next day for Agra to visit the Taj Mahal and I could not wait. I had dreamt about visiting the beautiful Taj Mahal for years.

All in all Delhi was an amazing experience and I love Delhi  with all of its filth and squalor and hassle and hustle. It's  like anything if you open your eyes and your heart and scratch bellow the surface you will see the true essence of what is really there.

 It is the same with  people. Even the person you judge to be the worst of men, if you open your heart  you will see that underneath all of that anger and pain and hatred in their eyes that we are all the same. And inside everyone there is always good maybe it is very deep or maybe it has been forgotten or trampled on so badly that it is a very dim light inside a dark cave but it is there....we just have to look with an open heart.

Forgivness in New Delhi

I walked around in the blistering heat of New Delhi for almost 2hrs trying to find a room.

I was feeling so dam sorry for myself and I was feeling angry with myself too for being so stubborn if I had  kept my big trap shut and not been so childish I would now be tucked up in a nice bed after a nice shower with a gorgeous man from Nepal. As it was I was filthy head to toe, sad, depressed, tired and lonely.

The rooms I viewed were all terrible. Dusty, dirty, stains on the sheets and I just wanted to cry.
In the end due to pure exhaustion I checked into a hotel called Lord Krishna and it was only because of the name that I checked in surly I would be safe in a place named after Lord Krishna.
The manager was asleep on the reception with his dusty sandals on the counter and when he woke up I wish he hadn't because he talked only to my western boobs.
 I was so tired and fed up that I paid the old perv for the dusty dirty room and made my way up the 5 flights of stairs.

I unpacked my bag and was so glad that I had invested in a bed sheet and pillow case in Goa because there was no way I could lie down on what the bed was covered in at the moment, I would raise in the morning, bitten, pregnant and scabied.
I had a shower in the dirty bathroom with tears running down my sad face.
I think this is why I have been single for so long. If you stay alone and don't get involved with anyone then you don't get hurt. I just wanted a little bit of happiness some company some love and now look what had happened. I was not lonely before Mr Nepal came along so why did I feel lonely now? I hate that feeling of missing someone, of needing someone, I like being strong and independent, when I have feelings for someone it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I hate that feeling.

I decided to brave the outdoors and believe me every time you step outside your door in New Delhi you are dicing with death.
 New Delhi is like no where else I have experienced on earth. It is so hot and so dusty that your nose and mouth are constantly filled with dust. The streets stink of sewage and urine and how people actually buy food from the food stalls on the streets I will never know. I was stepping over rats the size of Yorkshire terriers and was surrounded by thousands of flies buzzing around the muck and squalor. But some how I liked it. I know that sounds crazy but I loved the energy of the place. I loved the way that every square foot of filth was filled with life and noise and action and colour. Every where I looked were faces, happy, sad, angry, every emotion possible happening a thousand times over in the same place.
I was stunned by the noise the constant horns blowing and within ten minutes I had been elbowed in the back by a very large Indian woman in a beautiful Sari, head butted by a cow and almost ran over by a rickshaw.
I decided to go back to my room which was a depressing thought. What was I going to do in Delhi? I had no idea what to see or where to go and again I thought what a twat I had been. Mr Nepal had lived in India for 11 years  and had traveled the entire country and I knew I would have seen so much with him and we would have had so much fun.
I knew I had just discovered more about myself that I needed to work on and change. My own insecurities and childishness and stubbornness had created my unhappiness.

Once back in the room my dark mood did not lift I only felt worse encased in those unwelcoming walls. I felt so bad with how I had behaved. Mr Nepal and his business partner had been so good to me. Taking care of me, carrying my bag always paying for me for food and drinks and I had thrown it all back in their faces. I felt rotten.
So I decided to send Mr Nepal a text message just to apologise. I didn't mind if he didn't answer I would completely understand if he didn't. I just wanted to say sorry. I didn't call as I thought he may hang up on me so I just sent the text message and hoped he could forgive me.
 I felt so much better once I had sent it and I decided that I would have an early night and the next day I would go through the Rough Guide and work out what attractions I wanted to see in and around Delhi and get myself back on track.

Within half and hour the gorgeous Mr Nepal called me and said he wanted to see me. I was so chuffed and it was crazy because he was stopping in the hotel right next door so we met up outside and we both burst out laughing because we both knew how silly we had been.

Later after a lovely dinner and a long chat  he walked me to my hotel and we had a sneaky hug away from the prying eyes and arranged to move into the same hotel the next day.
So the romance was back on, all was forgiven but lessons had been learned and I was so grateful that I had a chance to put things right. Mr Nepal had a 'Delhi Schedule' planned out for us, taking in the temples and mosques and the Red Fort so I was excited and relieved that everything was ok again

So off I went to sleep happy and at peace in my dusty room in New Delhi. What a shocker of a day and all down to silliness. I was determined there was going to be no more of that behavior from now on.

All Aboard the Love Train

So so much has happened since I wrote last that I don't know were to start.

I left the Sivananda Ashram, went back for a few days to the Bio Veda resort then I spent a week in Varkala were I indulged in a passionate love affair with a very gorgeous man from Nepal and he whisked me away to Tamil Nadu for a mucky weekend and then I cancelled my train to Mumbai and travelled with Mr Nepal to Delhi on a 52hr train. Unfortunately things went sour on route and in true Jacquelina style I terminated the love affair and we went our separate ways after 40 hours on the train. So arriving in Delhi alone with not a clue where to go or what to do I must confess to a few tears dripping down my cheeks to the dusty streets of New Delhi.

She is crazy i can hear you say and yes of course I'm crazy but you already knew that so why are you even surprised!!!!

My last few days at Sivananda were wonderful. I met some lovely ladies in the last few says, Caralinka from Poland and Pierret from Florida and Claude from the south of France and the most sweet Caroline from Paris. I will not go into Carolin's business but I will say that she is going through what I think is the hardest thing that anybody can go through in their life. But she is handling it with such grace. We were room mates for a few days and I have to say she will I hope, always be in my life. She is the sweetest soul, I care for her so much and my time at the ashram will always be special and mostly because of what we shared.

After leaving the ashram I returned to the Bio Veda resort in the Neyyar Hills. It was lovely going back. Sunhill the owner was there to meet me with a friendly kiss on the cheek and Calla the cook gave me a wonderful bear hug full of Motherly love. They are wonderful people and we shared some wonderful days. Calla invited me to her family home and fed me constantly and on my last night Sunhill treated us all to a fancy dinner in a fancy hotel which was lovely. Calla wore her best sari and smelt of sweet sandalwood.
Again saying goodbye to them I was sad for some reason they are in my heart and as I left, Sunhil mirrored my thoughts by saying how much he cared for me and he felt sure that we were family in another life that he felt I was his sister and he would always take care of me. He said where ever I was in India, if ever I was in trouble just to call him and he would help me. I will never forget his kindness and I am so grateful to God who always sends such angels to protect me on my journeys.

I was itching to get to the ocean and relax on a sun lounger so off I went to the beach resort of Varkala.
I jumped on the local train which was my first train journey in India so I was dead excited. I was sat in the same carriage as an Indian family of 13 people small babies and children right up to Grandparents. I watched them with interest and there was so much love in that family. The men were holding the babies and kissing them and loving them and  they were all laughing and joking as they shared their food and even offered some to me.

I had been given a telephone number of a man in Varkala who was the manager of a guest house that some friends I had met at the ashram had stayed and and recommended so I gave him a call from the train to book a room.  He was very sweet and helpful and he had a very nice voice and he told me to just jump in a rickshaw from the station and he would see me later at the guest house. Well tickle my tits till Friday, he was gorgeous. My friends had not advised me of such important details as I would have for sure washed my hair and put on my best hippy rags. Over the week that I was there I have to admit I indulged my wicked lustful senses and rolled around in the sheets in Varkala with the very very hansom and sexy man from Nepal. I know I said I was going to be celibate while in India but to be honest I just could not resist. Mr Nepal is so so hansom and we laugh so so much together and he is so much fun that I through caution to the wind along with my g-string and the rest as they say is history.
 Each day we would spend every moment together. He brought me to lovely restaurants and introduced me to all of his friends and we ate incredible food that I would never have tried. I have been single for so so long that to be honest it felt so nice to be surrounded with so much love that I was addicted. Don't get me wrong I am not stupid I know of course that he does not love me and I know he runs a business in a holiday resort were no doubt every week he has an affair with another tourist and has probably been around the block more times than the rag and bone man but I was happy knowing that, I knew there was no future for us but I just wanted to enjoy the present moment and every moment with him is wonderful. He is the kind of man that lives with an open heart. He is so affectionate and caring and loving and even if he doesn't really care or love me has a wonderful way of making you feel that he does. He always holds my hand and kisses my cheek and he does little things like pushes my curls out of my eyes and always pours my drinks and holds my hand across the road. I know I am a bit long in the tooth to be swept away by such romance but after always being alone it is just so wonderful to be with a man that is not trying to be cool that is happy to love with an open heart and I realise now that I do want to have a relationship. I thought I was happy to be alone and would continue that way but being with Mr Nepal has made me realise that love is what is missing from my life and now I have found love for myself I feel ready to love someone else. So lock up your sons!!!!!!

Mr Nepal was off to Tamil Nadu which is the very south of India, where the 3 oceans meet each other. The Indian ocean, the bay of Bengal and the Arabian Sea with some of his staff to treat them to a couple of days sight seeing and visiting a very special Hindu Temple at Kallikamari, he asked me to go with them so I thought why not. We had a wonderful couple of days, his staff are also from Nepal and are all shy and sweet and the temples were magnificent and again we laughed and had such a wonderful time.

Mr Nepal is very persuasive and convinced me to cancel my ticket to Mumbai and accompany him and his business partner and 2 staff to Delhi so I again I thought why not. They were going to be travelling back to Nepal but were going to visit Delhi, some temples there and Agra to see the Taj Mahal. I had no real need to go to Mumbai I was just going to spend a couple of days there and then head further north anyway so I thought it would be nice to have someone to travel with instead of being on the train alone and to be honest I really did not want to say goodbye to him yet. I'm not saying I have fallen in love with him because I have not. But I have fallen in love with the romance of it all and it feels good and anyway he leaves India for Nepal in a week or so so I  just wanted to have one more week of feeling so alive and so loved before I went back to the single, celibate life I had been living.

So we left Varkala and started our journey to New Delhi. It has always been a dream of mine to travel on a train in India so I was so so excited. The five of us piled into our carriage and got our selves comfy. Mr Nepal and his business partner had a bottle of whiskey so they sipped at that and we watched the beautiful fields of corn and wheat and coconut palms pass by our window. We played cards and told jokes and tried all sorts of food that was served through the windows at the stations we passed through. I loved the train journey and I slept well which I didn't think I would what with being surrounded by lots of men watching my every move and I was so glad that I was travelling in male company because I would have hated to be on that train at night alone. There of course are no showers on the train so you have to make do with a bit of a splash and dash in the smelly toilet that smelt so bad that I had to put tissue in my nose every time I went in there.
All was going well with me and Mr Nepal up onto the last night on the train. We had a little disagreement about something and me being stubborn made a little mole hill into a mountain. I am really hard on men and I know it is something I have to work on. I rarely believe a word that they say and I wouldn't trust them to the shop and back and I realise now that poor old Mr Nepal was a victim of all my past let downs break ups and hurts. I wouldn't speak to him all night and when he tried to touch me I pushed his hand away and told him to piss off, not very nice to do on a train filled with Indian men looking on, but he took it well he just went off and sat on his own looking sad while I sat brooding and telling myself I was right like a stupid egotistical bratt.
I didn't speak to him all the next day either. I know now I was wrong and I know I was stubborn and childish but I was so adamant at the time that I was right and I wouldn't back down so when we arrived in Delhi I just walked off in the opposite direction and what should have been a wonderful exciting time was lonely and scary and I only had myself to blame.

The boys tried to help me with my back pack and they told me to come with them but I was having none of it. Mr Nepal just ignored me and I don't blame him. If he would have come to me and apologised or explained then I would have forgiven him and left the train with him but he didn't, he was being just as childish and stubborn as I was and I was not going to back down so I just walked out of the station into the unknown.
 I had no Idea where I was going and people were pushing me this way and that and there were beggars everywhere sat on the ground some drunk some without limbs all looking up at me with sorrow and pain in their eyes and there I was in the middle of all of that, hot tired sad and again I questioned why this had happened why had I followed a man I hardly knew to place that I didn't know and where would this lead and what would happen.

 I had been in this situation before and I had always survived and I would this time also.
I dried my dusty tears on the back of my hand and pulled my bag up on my back and put one dirty foot in front of the other dirty foot and headed into the hurricane in a dustbin that is Delhi.






















































































































































Towards the end of my week in Varkala Mr Nepal convinced me to cancel my trip to Mumbai and accompany him and hios business partner and so