Falling Off The Wagon With A Bunch Of Kingfishers!!

Well I guess writing this blogg is finally going to put to rest any idea that any one may have had of me that I am in any way cool or together or that I have matured in to a sophisticated woman.

But when I decided to write a blogg about my travels the one thing that was of the most importance to me was that it was honest. I don't want to tell lies to show myself in a better light because that is bull shit. I am what I am and I am on my journey with some bright sunny days and some dark ones too and I just want to be straight about it all.
So I will be completly honest about my fall from grace in Dharamshala and you can all have a good laugh and then we can all move on.


 I knew I wanted to have a drink before I even arrived in Dharamshala. The thing is I have been so good, so well behaved. I have been sober for months. I did say that when I came to India I would remain sober for 6 months.
For the most part I kept my promice.
Well I did drink a little when I was knocking off that guy from Nepal, but when he pissed off over the border running for the hills after seeing my naked orifice I  went back to solitude & sobriety. Well there was that time a few weeks later when I did have a couple of beers with the ladies I met from  from Iserael but it was only 1 or 2 warm beers on their balcony so that doesn't really count.  And then there was the occasion that  I tripped my tits off on that bang drink, the essential oil of cannabis (never seen that with the other essential oils on the shelf in Holland & Barrett) but apart from that I have kept Jacquelina well under control,  well under control for Jacquelina's standards that is .

 I have drank probaly on six or seven occasions in six months and I only got drunk maybe 4 times...now that is good for me. I mean I have been doing yoga nearly every morning early and it is impossible to stand on two legs after one of my drinking sessions never mind on one leg and I start each day and end each day with an hour of meditation and you cant be having communion with God when your pissed out your face 3 sheets to the wind can you,  so I have had to stay sober.
I have loved sobriety with all of it's calmness and peacefulness but I  just felt that I deserved a drink, after living in an ashram for a month getting up at 5.30 every day doing 5 hours of yoga a day and then Vipassana getting up at 4am and meditating for 10 hours a day I just felt like I had really worked hard at getting fit and healthy and emotionally at peace and I just felt I needed to celebrate my new found peace.


Why I chose to celebrate peace by creating chaos I still do not know!

I have not missed alcohol really because for me alcohol always leads to trouble.  So it has been lovely not to wake up feeling like shit.   It has been lovely to wake up every morning knowing that I went to bed sober, alone and happy.  It has been a pleasant change from not remembering how I got home, or worrying over whether or not I need the morning after the sex the night before pill or worse. If a doctor had seen some of the monstrosities I have brought home with me when plastered he would probably have insisted on a rabies jab!.


But there is only so much of being a good girl that I can handle. After a few weeks I start to get itchy feet or perhaps it is an itchy liver. I forget all the trouble alcohol gets me into and all I can think about is the fun it brings. The first sip of a cold beer, the little bubbles that explode ecstasy onto your tounge and cause your whole body to tingle and your nipples to go hard with delight. The way music sounds better, the way everybody is more beautiful...hence all the ugly fukers I have slept with. The way it makes me feel uber confident and sexy and the way my shyness is gone and I can talk to anyone and I can dance and let go (of my inhibitions not wind) .
 The way all the things that I worry about are gone, just washed away like the dust from the Delhi streets during the monsoon.

I loved the little village of Dharamkot as soon as the taxi driver pulled in beside my guest house. It is a sleepy dreamy place surrounded by green forests and the high Himalayan mountain range. It is so beautiful and so cool after the soaring heat of the plains. After checking in to the guesthouse and getting rid of my  bag I found a lovely little restaurant with a balcony with great views so I sat and looked out across the valley and felt so free and relaxed and proud of myself that I had completed my Vipassana course without having to be sectioned which of course had crossed my mind. Delving in to my mind is like jumping feet first in the dark into an underground sewage pipe. You can most definitively expect to  get blinded by shite.
I have really worked hard over the last few months. I really have focused on getting strong and healthy and I was really starting to feel that I had found my way, the spiritual path I had been looking for. But for some reason Jacquelina my uber confident naughty soul sister was telling me to misbehave.  She was telling me to fuck off the meditation for the day and arseing around standing on my head and treat myself to a much deserved cold beer.
 It is so strange because the real me, the real me inside knows that I am so happy when I am sober. That I do not hurt anyone when I am sober, I don't say things I regrett and do things I regrett and my life is calm and organized and why oh why do I listen to that bitch jacquelina?
 In the end after a few minutes of tug of war with my naughty soul sister I relented and I just thought Fuck  it I'm having a beer, in fact im going to order a pizza and a beer the fresh beetroot juice and the tofu salad can kiss my ass!

The first Kingfisher beer slipped down my neck like smooth golden honey. Kingfisher is the local beer of India, it's ok,  I mean if I had the choice I would have a Stella or a Grolsh but beggars cant be choosers can they so I just got it down me gratefully. Of course once that first beer had made it's way through my body tantalising as it went,  triggering off the longing and the craving for more I decided the moonlight restaurant was far too chilled out for my purposes so I paid my bill and headed up the hill in search of a more party atmosphere.
I headed in the direction of the Trek & Dine another restaurant up the hill mainly because I could here my mate Bob Marley singing about 3 little birds and if Bob Marley was in there it was bound to be cool.
The trek & Dine I later found out is owned by local Mafia and is the hang out to be in if you want to get beers or score drugs. Typical of me to stumble on a place like that I am like a sniffer dog at the airport. I think it is something to do with the law of attraction because I just attract these situations, places and people.
I found a great little spot on some cumfy cushions against a wall at the back of the restaurant. There was a huge hanging of Lord Shiva behind me and big bright colourful lanterns dotted around the pretty dimly lit room. I was sat right next to the balcony so I could watch people coming up and down the road. It was a great spot. Good old Bob was belting out the tunes and I was chilled city,  sunken into my cushions sipping my Kingfisher feeling dam good.

I have never been one of those girls that would have a glass of wine start giggling like a twit and then go home before they progressed from tipsy to plastered. I just never had that switch off point, I would never go home. Sometimes I would go out on a Saturday night and not go home until  Tuesday. Stumbling through the door past my poor worried mother with the same clothes on from 3 days before reeking of booze, pupils dilated the size of saucers and stinking of dirty sex.
 I just never wanted the party to end, I never wanted to face reality, my reality.  I wanted to stay in this world were the corners were soft and blurred instead of harsh and jagged,  so I just carried on and on and drank and took what ever I had to so I could physically carry on.
So having that first beer in Dharanshala was of course going to lead to me getting drunk it was inevitable.

A couple of Israeli girls came into the restaurant and sat down close to me, they started knitting. Knitting for the love of God in this heat. I dont know what it was they were nitting but judgiung by the gaping holes in it I certainty would not be buying it off them. Anyway we got talking and they got some beers also and we were gassing away about our travels around India and where we had been and where we were going  and then an Indian friend of theirs turned up too. He was great, very camp and very funny. The beer kept flowing and Jacquelina was getting more hyper by the minute.
It had been so long since I had been in a bar, drinking and listening to music that I just got carried away in the euphoria of it all. I was up dancing around on the soft cushions, flicking my gypsy skirt this way and that, flicking people in the face with the  beer drenched hem of my skirt. I told the waiter to turn up the tunes, Amy whinehouse was telling us how she had gone back to Black and I cant say I blame her.
 Perhaps Amy singing should have been a nudge in the guts to wake me up and get myself out of there and home to my peacefuul little sanctuary across the road,  after what had happened to that poor cow, but it didn't I just wanted to party more and more.

There is a certain point that  I get to when I drink and it does not matter what anyone says or does I will not stop,  so there is no point trying and I was at that point.  There was no one there anyway that knew me or cared about me so why would they try to stop me, that of course is my job.

Two more Israli girls turned up and they had hash on them so we all started smoking and I really don't remember much after that. I have looked through my photos and I am at one point sat with a very dishy young Israli guy.  The photos jogged my memory a little and I can vaguely remember our converstaion. I remember he was ony 23 and he had gorgeous green eyes and a beard. I really like beards on men. Now I don't mean the dirty old porridge splattered beard like Jim Royles but these Israli sexy olive skinned men walking around Dharamshala have got it going on with their black sexy beards.
 I remember telling this young Israeli that I was not interested in sleeping with anymore young men, that I had been to a clairvoyant in Rishikesh and he told me to steer clear of toyboys. Well the poor Israeli guy probably wasn't even interested in going to bed with me any way, I mean why would he be there were young sexy Israeli birds walking around half naked all over Dharamshala so why would he want to be lumbered with some middle aged drunk battle axe rattling on about clairvoyants.

The rest of the evening remains as candy floss in my brain, just a blur of fuzziness that kept coming back to me in little slithers of horrific flash backs over the following few days.
Fortunetly I woke up alone without any 23 year old bearded Israeli beside me but I did notice 2 bottles of beer on the floor and there was ash all over the table and I don't smoke. Horror started to fill me flooding from my brain that was working hard to drag itself awake to every cell of my body and the horror started to wrap itself around my heart like barbed wire as I remembered someone was in my room with me last night. I could vaguely remember sitting at the cafe at the front of my guest house. The guy there had been trying it on with me since the day I arrived.  He was a sleaze ball. He had asked me to go out with him several times but I had told him that I was not interested in going out with anyone that I was there for yoga and meditation.
 Of course he must have spotted me stumbling out of the Trek & Dine and saw it as his opportunity to pounce, waiting like a leopard in the long grass for his prey.  I still have no recollection of leaving the Trek & dine to this day but I do remember sitting at the coffee shop with the sleaze ball and having a beer with the creep which I just would never have done if I was sober. I would never have encouraged him like that.

Then a flash back came to me that he asked me if I wanted a smoke, I must have said yes, there was papers on the table in my room and ash everywhere and there was 2 beer bottles on the floor and then I remember he was there in my room.
 I was gutted, ashamed, horrified. Little by little snippets of memories started to form in my mind. I remember I was angry with him, I was shouting at him not to touch me and I through him out. I felt sick, I went to the bathroom and wretched over the toilet and cried. I had been so good, I had worked so hard I had stayed sober and was so happy and so peaceful and now look what I had done what I had allowed to happen. I was gutted.
I started to clean the room hoping to erase every memory from my room and mind. I tipped the beer from the bottles into the toilet and put them in a plastic bag outside the door.  I cleaned the table wiping away the ash and throwing away the papers, swept and mopped the floors and opened up all the windows letting the bad energy out and the clean good energy in. I stood weeping under the shower for about 20 min. I knew he had not raped me, I was fully dressed when I woke up but I knew he had definitively touched me.  I remember being angry and I remember shouting at him to leave me alone and to get out. But he could have raped me. I was so drunk, so stoned, I cold not believe after how far I had come I had allowed this to happen again.  I was so ashamed.
 Someone  knocked my door so I openend it,  it was him the creep from the coffee shop.  He just pushed past me into the room. "You ok Jacqueline, you ok, you very crazy last night shouting at me I did nothing wrong"  I couldn't even bare to look at him and couldn't bare to hear him say my name and as he stood there in front of me I could remember more from the night before.  I remember him trying to kiss me and me pushing him away, him trying to touch me and me asking him to stop. I knew why he was here,  he was afraid I would report him that he would loose his job  but I wouldn't because I knew it was my fault, I had allowed this to happen, allowed him into my room.
 I told him to leave and I told him that I had made a mistake that I will never drink again and not to knock my door and I pushed him back out into the corridor.
I was mortified how could I have allowed that creep into my room.
As you can imagine I was depressed for days. I didn't come out of my room until the following day and I know it may be paranoia but I felt everyone was looking at me and talking about me. The creep from the coffee shop kept asking me if I wanted to party again and I kept telling him no but he kept trying for the 2 weeks that I was there, but I suppose I couldn't really  blame him.
I had allowed him into my room, well I think I had but knowing him maybe he had just knocked the door and pushed past me I was so drunk I am still not sure.

In some ways I am glad this happened. It has proven to me that I am still not able to drink responsibly. Maybe I never will be but I hope some day I can have a glass of wine with my husband in front of the telly but for now it is not an option.
I have been quite nervous about leaving India and going back to South East Asia because when I was there last time I was drunk pretty much for a year well I was managing a beach bar for Gods sake.
So I'm glad I had this relapse, I have to take something positive from this experience. It has made me more determined to stay sober.
 It still amazes me that after six months of nearly total sobriety one beer can take me right back to all the carnage that alcohol always has. I really have had terrible things happen to me when I have been drunk so much worse than what had just happened but I never seemed to learn. I just still drank, I don't know why that is.
 I now realise that  the more bad things that happened to me the more I drank to blot it all out and the more I drank,  even more bad things would happen it is such a viscous circle. I am not feeling sorry for myself and I am not angry with them I am angry with myself because I am responsible for what I drink or what I take and of course there will always be those sorts of men who are just waiting for a girl to be drunk or high and not able to defend herself.

You may think I am crazy for what I do and for telling everyone about it but for me I am so determined to stop this behavior that I want to be honest about it, to see it for what it is, to understand why I do it and to understand how it can stop.
I have not touched a drop since falling off the wagon with a bunch of kingfishers in Dharamshala and I have no desire to drink again after what happened and of course with the very thought of what may have happened.

So tomorrow night I leave India after six wonderful months. It has been the most spiritual time of my life and the healthiest. I'm heading to Thailand but I have decided  to avoid the whole back packer party circuit, the full moon parties and druggie scene.
I am even more determined than I was before to carry on with my yoga and meditation. I have just had a little glimpse into what my world was like for so long and I know I do not want to go back there, I cant it is not an option!

My New Indian Family

I was a little nervous about accompanying Deepa to her family home. Well we had only spoken for about an hour when we met 10 days previously at the Vipassana registration office and here I was in a back of a rickshaw with Deepa her father and Madhu her fathers disciple heading to her home in Dehradun.

To be honest I felt like I already knew them and even though Madhu and her father could speak very little English I felt really comfortable with them.
We rattled through the streets of Dehradun and then pulled up outside Deepa's home. It was a lovely neighbourhood, lovely big houses protected behind decorative iron gates with pretty gardens with lots of flowers sprawling out of hanging baskets.
As soon as we pulled up outside a young girl I assumed must be one of Deepa's daughters came rushing out of the house flinging their iron gate against the peach coloured stone wall and ran straight into the rickshaw jumping on her Mother showering her in wet kisses. It was wonderful to see it brought tears to my eyes, they hugged and hugged it was lovely. Then as bold as brass the little Indian girl with very short boyish short hair came strutting around the rusty rickshaw on skinny little legs and confidently pushed her hand straight out in front and said "Pleased to meet you" with a cheeky giggle showing a gap in her teeth,  ha ha ha she was a delight.  Deepa told me this was her youngest daughter Yashoo "The naughty one" she said. Yashoo didn't take her eyes off me, she studied my clothes my hair my shoes all the way into the house.

I was asked by Deepa to take a seat in the tidy front room that was pretty and cool after the heat of the rickshaw journey across town and so I sat nervously on the sofa. Deepa didn't sit down at all she went straight into the kitchen to fetch cold water for me, her father and Madhu. She tried to coax her other daughter Cushy to come in to meet me but she was definitively more shy. She popped her head around the frame of the door and said hello and then disappeared into the kitchen with her Mother.

I had no idea how all of this was going to work out. I could not imagine just kicking my flip flops off and putting my feet up on the sofa and showering there and getting into bed that night and to be honest all I really wanted was to be alone and sleep but I was so grateful that I had been invited to Deepa's home and it was so so generous so I tried not to worry about it,  I was just going to try to enjoy each moment with them and see what happened at the end of the day if I felt really uncomfortable I could just leave.


Deepa's father sat down next to me and told me how happy he was that I was there with them and I could stay for as long as I liked. He would be returning to his home in Mathura the following day with Madhu so then it would be just me with Deepa and her family.
Deepa came into the room with hot tea and biscuits and I had to force the tea down it was so sickly sweet.
Indians love sugar, every cup of tea has at least 3 sugars and I have even seen a woman on a train preparing a baby's bottle and putting  4 teaspoons of sugar in to it.

Deepas Father fell to sleep on the sofa after tea and Deepa took me into the bedroom to meet her mother in law. Her mother in law had stayed with Deepas family while she was away at Vipassana. I again was a little nervous I didn't know what to say so I just put my hands together in the prayer position and said Namaste (hello).
She was the cutest little old lady with long grey hair in a long plait down her back  with a light fuzz of white circling her pretty face. She patted the bed beside her so I sat down and she held my hand. It was of course quite overwhelming but she was adorable and I didn't feel at all uncomfortable. I just wished I could speak Hindi so I could have understood her. Deepa was translating back and forth so it was ok. Her Mother in law said how happy she was that I had come to their home and that she had never had a daughter and she felt God had brought me to her. I was so touched and she had tears in her old twinkly eyes and again I was shocked by the complete love I was shown my them all.

 I went for some fresh air in  the garden I was completely overwhelmed by the kindness and love of these people. Since the first moment I met Deepa 10 days ago at the Vipassana centre this family have given me love and welcomed me so willingly into their family and home it was incredible but I felt like crying all the time because it was so intense. To be honest  it made me miss my family and it made me realise how much tension there is in my home. I know we all love each other but you can cut the tension with a knife every time we are all in the same house. It is really sad and I have thought about it a lot since I have been in India. It is almost like we are all walking on egg shells like we are all waiting for someone to explode and say something wrong and for a fight to break out and sadly it usually does.

Inside the house Madhu was asleep on the double bed next to the Mother in law and Deepa had put cushions on the floor next to the bed.
She asked me if I was tired and would I like to rest and I said I was shattered, Vipassana itself was exhausting both physically and emotionally but coming to this home and all of this love was also exhausting. I went to lye down on the floor but she would have none of it and she pushed me towards the double bed. I really did not want to get into the double bed with her Mother in law and Madhu the big strong woman with the iron thighs and both of them had turned inwards and were tapping the slither of mattress that was left between them.
Oh shite I thought I cant get in there, at that point I really wanted to run out of the house and check into the nearest guesthouse, lock the door and have complete solitude away from this intense family overflowing with love.  I don't sleep well anyway and I hate sleeping with any one,  well if Russell Brand fancies staying over I could make an allowance for him but an eighty year old woman I met an hour ago and a big butch bird who constantly slaps me each time she passes me, no way.
 Anyway Deepa was having none of it she almost dragged me to the bed and pushed me head first in between the delighted duo. I didn't know which way to turn so I just lay flat on my back glaring up at the spinning fan wondering how the hell Jacquelina finds herself in situations as these.
 That is the thing in India, there is no such thing as personal space. If you are stood in a que the people behind are pressed up against you and even closer if it is a man you can feel the shuttle cock in his pocket. everyone just rubs against you and touches you and nudges and pushes you. In England we would say ''excuse me" but  in India you just get pushed out of the way.

 Now if I'm honest back in the day I have had many a nice experience sandwiched between 2 woman but they were of course hot sexy woman in fishnet hold ups and I was snorted up to the hilt with a bottle of Hendricks gin in my gut, this definitively was new territory and made me realise my group sex days are well and truly over.

I was relieved when both Madhu and the Mother in law turned over and left me in peace and surprisingly I actually dozed off. I was woken by Madhu's big strong arm circling my body and pulling me into her, we were like 2 spoons  in a cutlery draw.  Ehh I was horrified, she was laughing and pulling me tightly towards her and I was dragging myself off closer in the direction of the Mother in law. I still have no idea if Madhu is a lesbian or if she just likes playing  jokes on me but I didn't like it, she was not going to be getting any action under her sari off me that was  for sure.
I was relieved when naughty Yashoo jumped on the bed and got me out of that very sticky situation that I was relieved to know was not going to be getting any stickier, she asked me to go outside and watch her on her bicycle, I was out of there like a rat up a drain pipe, Madhu tried to pull me back into bed beside her but she had more chance of being the next Dalia Lama, I was out of there like cold beer.

We all enjoyed the most delicious lunch. A real Indian home cooked meal is not to be sniffed at. Everything is cooked from scratch not that out of a packet cobblers that most western woman cook up.
 I love watching people cook and in India it is a wonderful experience, seeing all the ingredients, the wonderful pungent spices turmeric, garamasala and cumin the freshness of the green herbs curry leaf and coriander and fresh mint. I wanted to help but I was shooed out to the lounge.
After the simple yogi food we were served at Vipassana it was a joy to taste garlic again and chili every mouthful was bursting with so many colorful intense flavours. Deepa had made fresh wholemeal Chapattis and they were hot from the pan and plastered in butter that was dripping out of them onto my fingers and down my arms, they were delicious.
I noticed that Deepa  didn't sit down until we had almost finished she just fetched and carried for everyone, asking us if we wanted more Dahl or more rice or if she should cook more chapattis. I felt bad sat there on my big fat white ass while Deepa fetched and carried it made me feel that she was my servant and I was not comfortable with that.
Then we had dessert I had never seen it before it was plain rice with sugar mixed with it and some yogurt all stirred in together. It was so so sweet I thought my teeth would rot straight out of my head and fall in my metal tray but it was delicious. I cant stay here for too long I thought I will be the size of  Dawn French pre the  stomach staple.
I was nervous to meet Deepas husband I had no idea how he would react to some foreign stranger coming into his home but I needn't have worried he was lovely. He welcomed me and told me how happy he was that I would be stying with them and to make myself at home and to stay for as long as I liked.

It was lovely to spend some time with Deepas daughters, Cushy the eldest was shy and sweet and very lady like were as Yashoo was boisterous and loud and cheeky but I adored them both. It made me think of me and my sister. We have spent so much time arguing over the years that I think we have both forgotten the bond we once shared.
They wanted me to sit with them while they showed me all their family photos so I did. They asked me all about my family and England and I was amazed that their English was so good, so good in fact that Yashoo actually told her sister to shut up that she talked too bloody much ha ha .

The first night at Deepas felt a little strange. The Mother in law slept on a single bed in the hallway which I would have preferred to sleep on  on my own without touchy feely Madhu accosting me in the night but Deepa would not let me because there was no fan out there and she thought I would be too hot but I didn't care I just wanted to be in a bed on my own but I realised there is no point trying to argue with Deepa and I didn't want to make a fuss, so I was pushed into bed again with Madhu.
 Deepa and her husband slept in the front room with the girls but half way through the night I was awoken by Yashoo Deepas youngest squeezing in beside me and snuggling up with her little skinny arm around my Roland rat. Cheeky chappy I thought but how sweet and I was grateful for the human bolster to keep Madhu on her side of the bed.

Every morning at Deepas starts at 4am. At 3.50am  I was abruptly awoken by Madhus big rough hand squeezing my thigh, inside thigh at that...meditation she growled meditation . I was in the routine of the 4am meditation class but could have done with a day off but it was out of the question of course.  It was best I suppose to start as I meant to carry on and I certainty did not want to offend Deepa and her family by telling them to piss off and roll over and go back to sleep.  So up we got, Deepa was up and her father and even the Mother in law. Everyone washed their faces and then we sat in meditation for nearly 2 hours. It was a surreal experience here I was with complete strangers really in a town in Northern India sat crossed legged on a bed next to an Indian woman in meditation while Deepa and her father meditated in the front room and the mother in law on the floor in the hall.
 At 6am Deepa made every one tea and then we all went into the kitchen to kneel in front of the alter of Deity's of Lord Krishna, Ganesha and Hanumanta and their family's Guru for more worship.  I was beginning to think I would have to go and get pissed or laid or do something terrible so all of this praying and worshipping  would be worth while.
 Candles and incense were lit and we chanted well I didn't,  I didn't have a clue what they were saying but the atmosphere was wonderful so I just hummed along swaying from side to side with my hands in prayer. I knew how blessed I was to be there to be welcomed in to their home and their worship and the worship lamp was even handed to me during the ceremony so I could worship God also. I knew that was a great honour, it meant a great deal to me and I felt it meant I was excepted by them into their family so I held the lamp and watched the flickering flame as I circled each deity and tried my hardest not to drop the  thing and set the bloody kitchen on fire.

I was sad to see Deepas father go, I realised that I loved him,  which I know sounds strange,  I have given up trying to intellectually understand things like this in India I have found that the only way you can understand them is with the heart and not the mind. I wished I spoke Hindi or he spoke more English because I would have loved to be his student and for him to be my Guru.  I felt such a strong connection with him and I almost felt envious of Deepa that she had such a wonderful father a true role model and Guardian. My own father had only laughed at me when I tried to explain my desire to go to India to find my spiritual path, he just mocked me and told me to go down to Sparkhill in Birmingham that there were thousands of Indians there and I would save my self the plane fare. But he didn't understand, he didn't understand me at all and how would he he wasn't there for most of my life.
When Deepa's father left, and I have tears in my eyes writing this he put his lovely smooth walnut coloured hands on my face and kissed me on the forehead, "You are the dearest of my daughters" he whispered into my hair and I could of wept,  I  was speechless. Seconds later I was wiping the tears away and laughing watching Deepas husband rattle down the road on his scooter with my Papa and frisky Madhu on the back with her turquoise sari blowing in the wind. Madhu had invited me to her village but I had visions of being tied spread eagled to an old rickety bed with sari silks,  butt naked so I declined and stepped behind the safety of my dear friend Deepa

I spent five days with Deepa and her family and I have never felt so loved and looked after in my life. After some protest Deepa allowed me in the kitchen and she was shocked that I could cook chapatti's and make Dahl, she had the impression that western woman didn't cook at all.  One day Yashoo ripped her skirt on the wheel of her bicycle so I offered to sew it and Deepa looked on in amazement she couldn't believe that a white woman knew how to sew.
 I fell head over heels in love with her daughters and they did not let me out of their sight for a second. Every afternoon nap I would be sandwiched in between them and at night one of them would always sneak into my bed and I would wake up to them lying beside me with my Roland Rat in their arms. I had so much fun with them, I helped them with their English study and we went for walks around the neighbourhood so Deepa could meditate and have a rest. They would spend hours combing my hair and doing my make up and every morning Cushy would press a pretty Bindhi between my eyebrows. She is nine years old but so wise and wonderful. She told me that she wanted to be like me when she grew up that she didn't want a husband and cook and clean all day. She wanted to be a doctor and she said she would support herself and travel the world independently. Quite something to hear from a nine year old.

I told Deepa that I wanted to do something nice for the girls before I left so we all went along to the local fun fair. It was supposed to be my treat but Deepas husband would not let me pay for anything no matter how hard I tried so I treated  both girls to a long gypsy skirt that were being sold on one of the stalls. They were so excited and fussed and giggled over the many different skirts choosing the right colour and fit. They loved them and would not take them off for days. The whole family went  together even the Mother in law who could hardly walk so she just linked her arm in mine and I felt so happy walking around with her. I was the only white person there and I think I was more of an attraction than the actual fair ground, everyone stared at me but I didn't mind I was used to it and I was with my family and I was so so happy.

It was wonderful living with them, the food was incredible but I now realise why there are so many big asses in Saris in India these people like to eat and they like to eat a lot. For every meal Deepa would cook rice and chapatti and every chapatti was dripping in butter. Sugar was added to everything and as soon as one meal had been eaten Deepa was preparing the next. Her whole daily life revolved around food. I noticed on the wall in her kitchen some kind of  food rota. I asked her about it and noticed it said Deepa's Food Schedule,  then the days of the week were listed down the left hand side and breakfast lunch and dinner across the top and then the name of a meal had been allocated for each day and time. Deepa looked at me and burst out laughing and I started laughing too we were holding our sides laughing falling around the kitchen, through tears she told me that her husband had given her a food schedule of what he wanted at what time of the  day, on which day of the week.  I could not believe it and obviously she thought it was hilarious  too. I could not believe how different our worlds were. Every second of her life was filled with service to her family and when she wasn't serving them she was sat in meditation and prayer. I had had such a different life I had always been so free, I did what I wanted, earned my own money, bought what I wanted ate what I wanted, wore what I wanted and yet we were so alike in so many ways, we shared the same opinions about things and I knew she understood me more than my own sister ever would.
 I'm not saying I would swap my real sister because I wouldn't I love her very much but I felt like I had gained another sister, an Indian sister.

It was incredible to have a real insight into real Indian life and especially in to the life of an Indian woman. It would not be fair for me to discuss all the things I saw and witnessed at Deepas home and all the things we talked about but what I will say is she never stops serving her family from morning to night. Every  second of the day is filled with her serving. She is cooking all day, cleaning, making the girls study, ironing and then cooking again.  We lay on her bed one day with  her daughters while they were studying and she looked at me and said  "This is my life Jac, this is it"  I knew she was un happy sometimes and I could understand why I would have gone crazy shut away from the outside world in a house were I just served people all day. Deepa told me she wanted to do some thing drastic with her life she wanted to get out of this life that she had found herself in. She was fortunate in that her husband was happy for her to have a job if she wanted to work and so that is what she is aiming to do. I really hope she does but 10 years being hidden away in the house would take away a lot of self confidence and it would take a lot of strength to be brave enough to step outside in to the world again. I encouraged her to try, to look for something nearby and I think she will. She is so smart and wise and wonderful and I really want her to be happy, she so deserves to be happy.

The day I left Deepa gave me the most beautiful sari as a gift. I have never worn a sari before but Deepa helped me to put it on and when I looked in the mirror I felt like a princess I had never seen a more beautiful dress in my life.
I was gutted saying good bye to Deepa and her family. I hugged them all before I left and when I looked down at little Yashoo's cheeky face her chin began to wobble and I  knew she was about to cry and I could not bare it.  I jumped on the back of her husbands scooter trying to balance my big back pack between us and  I waved goodbye to my new Indian family. I cried huge tear drops into my silk scarf as I waved at the three of them stood at the gate, Deepa, Cushy and little Yashoo and they waved crying back at me.
I have promised to return to them and I will this year in October, but whatever happens  I know I will have contact with them for the rest of my life, I know they are part of me and I am of them forever.

I found in Deepa a wonderful soul and a sister. She was a complete surprise to me and I know we were destined to meet.  I know we have a deep love for each other even though we are so different,  from completely different cultures.
I know we are bonded  for life.

Indigestion India...My Vipassana Experience...Part 2

The first three days of Vipassana were complete physical torture. Every bone in my body ached. My hips had gradually started to open and the pain had subsided from them slightly but the pain in my upper back was complete agony,  I felt like I had been kicked from one end of India to the other by a skin head wearing Doc Martin boots.

I had no problem getting up at 4am, I am really a morning person. I love getting up early and making the most of the day and then be tucked up 9.30 at night, bliss.but even I had to drag myself out of my pit by the 4th day I was shattered and my body was weak.

I found the afternoon session the hardest. The 1pm session because it was so so hot. There was no AC or any such luxuries only a few old fans on the ceiling and I was no where near any of them. More often than not any way there would be a power cut and the fans were still. I could feel sweat dripping down my back between my boobs and when the session was finally finished and I got up my cushion was saturated and my ass was soaking....nice.

The reason why I have decided to call this blogg Indigestion India is because of the following. For 6 months now I have been blown away by India. I have loved every second and everyday I always see something sometimes many things and I just look and say...OH Incredible India, but on Vipassana I decided to change that to Indigestion India because of all of the burps and wind and farts and rumbling I witnessed though those 10 days of meditation. I literally was nearly blown away by India!!!

We would be sat there in silence and then someone would be hacking up crap from their chest and clearing their throat it was worse in the mornings. The whole session from 4.30 to 6.30 would be full of both men and woman coughing up snot and dragging the lumpy matter through nasal passages down into their mouths. It was disgusting. Then the afternoon session would be filled with farts after all the chapattis and dahl. The woman in front of me farted constantly and when you are not allowed to move an inch and someone is letting one rip every five minutes from under her sari in front of you it is torture especially in that heat as well she stunk like an old sow.
It got to the point that some of the western girls complained. They tried to explain to the teacher that all of the burps and farts were distracting us from meditation but he would not have any of it and so it continued. In the end I think we just got used to it we really did not have any choice I was just so happy that I was sharing a room with the lovely Amy from France who never burped or farted for 10 days.

After only 4 days my room mate Madeline and her German friend left the course. To be honest I was surprised Madeline's friend lasted that long but I was surprised Madeline left with her I was sure she would see it through after talking to her on the first day, she seemed dedicated. I suppose if you are travelling together you feel you have to go if your friend wants to. I was glad I was on my own it is a lot easier.

On the very first day when we all arrived Madeline's friend was crying. I went over to talk to her and I could tell than that she was no way ready for Vipassana, I could tell she was frightened and I could see that she did not want to be there at all. She said she would be fine but I could see she was crumbling and we hadn't even started. I really felt for her. I put my arm around her and she sobbed into her hands. I told her that if she was not 100 % then this was the time to leave. I told her it didn't matter, she had to listen to her inner voice her gut instinct and if she had any doubts then not to do it. She could always do it another time when she felt stronger and more focused. Anyway She decided to stay and I really hoped she would be ok but every day she looked sadder and sadder and because she was sad Madeline and her kept talking. It was really disturbing, I would walk into my room and they would be there gassing away when we were supposed to be in silence. They were both sat behind me in the meditation hall and would constantly move around and get up and go out side and would be huffing and puffing all the time and I think when they finally left we were all relieved because it was disturbing us all.
After they had left I found a note from both of them on my bed wishing me luck and strength to continue and Madeline had left me a flower which I thought was sweet and when I got into bed that night me and my other room mate Amy looked at each other and at Madeline's empty bed and we were sad that she had gone.

In our evening video one night Goenka told us that what we are doing was a deep surgical operation for the mind. He told us that we had now opened a can of worms and now we had to face the music and deal with all the deep rooted issues, repressed troubles from our past. Shite I thought this 10 days could turn into 10 months with the amount of deep rooted "Issues" I have from my past.
On the 3rd night we all crawled holding our backs on creaking legs into the meditation hall to watch the daily Goenka  video. Everyone had pulled their floor cushions against the wall because we were all battered and aching from head to foot.
Goenka went on to tell us that the last 3 days were not actually Vipassana. That all we had done was the preparatory exercise that the real work would start on the 4th day. He said the first 3 days was just to calm the mind to clear the thoughts from the mind.
To be honest I felt terrified. I was in so much physical pain and thought now after 3 days things would get easier and here was Goenka telling us that we had completed the easy part of the course that the "Real Battle" as he put it was about to begin. I think this is what put the final nail in the coffins of Madeline and her German friend,  because the next morning they were out of there like shit off a chrome shovel!

Goenka explained that the pain that we were feeling would pass that nothing was permanent that we had to face both the physical and mental pain that this meditation practise would evoke. To be honest there are things that I have kept locked inside me all my life. There are things that I have shared with friends but there are things that no one knows that I feel I cold never tell anyone, I feel too much shame to tell anyone. I know that is why I have used drugs and why I have drank excessively in my life because as anyone who has deep rooted guilt or shame or regret knows you want to block those memories out of your head and intoxicants take care of that quite nicely. But for me I got tired of the chaos that alcohol and drugs create because in an intoxicated state I was just creating more guilt and more shame and the pain was getting to the point that I didn't know how to deal with it anymore.
 I started to want a different life a different path. I wanted to leave the chaos behind that drinking caused and I realised that alcohol was not the problem it was the fact that I had not dealt with my past, excepted it, forgiven the people involved, forgiven myself. So that is why I chose Vipassana well the main reason, so I knew that this was not going to be a walk in the park. I knew to deal with what I had kept inside for almost my whole life would take some real work and strength and dedication.
At no point did I ever think I would walk. for me it was not an option. I knew that this was the time for me to deal with things, this was it and I was determined to complete the course and to walk out of there a stronger person and more at peace with myself.

By the 4th day a lot of the Indian woman were starting to chatter amongst themselves. Deepa and her fathers student wold be giggling to themselves and call me over but I did not want to talk I was so enjoying being quiet. I know that will be hard  for you to believe but it is true I adored the silence and if anyone was talking I just took myself away from them.

 Around the 4th day I started to notice how much my other senses had be heightened. Eating food was incredible. The feeling of the food on my tongue and the roof of my mouth, the taste was so beautiful and the tea was like drinking heaven everything felt so good.
I was in the shower one morning and the sun was shinning through the window and I put my hands together with my palms facing upwards with the water splashing down onto them and the sun was dancing in the droplets of water creating thousand of little rainbows in every drop of water, it was like a thousand diamonds splashing down on me it was a beautiful experience, I was just staring at my hands and the rainbows dancing from them, it was unbelievable.
Out in the garden I started to notice how beautiful the trees looked every leaf was so perfect so green, every flower so delicate so fresh so sweet and when I put my body lotion on I felt so good, so healthy so strong I felt real love for myself and amazement in just creation, in each person. I would look at the other girls and think how beautiful they were, the long black shiny Indian hair the dark brown eyes, everyone looked so beautiful and my heart felt so warm and full of love for everyone and every thing..

Due to the fact that we were not allowed to talk to each other I had no idea really what anybody else was experiencing but one night after we had watched the evening Goenka video we were all stood outside the meditation hall waiting to go in for our final evening meditation and it was a full moon night. One by one we all looked up at the moon. I actually lay down on the stone wall and just lay looking up at it in the dark sky. It was completely silent just the sound of the night and for once all the woman were quiet. Some had joined me and were lying down on the wall staring up at the moon. It was a beautiful night, the sky was the darkest deepest blue black and the moon was glorious, I don't think I have ever looked at the moon for so long before and I certainty have not seen it like that before or in that way before. It was so beautiful, glowing down on us, radiating a magical light across the vast sky, I could feel tears in my eyes and I was so so happy and so at peace and I wanted that feeling  to last forever but like Goenka kept telling us nothing is permanent, everything will end.
Our pain is caused by desire and craving that attachment will only bring us sorrow. I understood that of course but when you feel all that love and peace after living a life filled with chaos and stress mostly of your own creation you cant help but crave those feelings of complete peace.

So we were told by another tape recording of Goenka at the start of day 4 how the course wold now unfold.  The whole idea of Vipassana is to be a witness to all the sensations in the body and not to react. We were told to start from the top of the head observing the sensations on our scalp and then on our forehead and nose, eyes etc right down to the toes. It was hard. Sometimes I didn't feel anything, I would be sat there trying to feel a sensation in my upper arm and then my head would jerk forward where I had started to fall asleep. It was exhausting. Goenka was telling us to be aware to be alert and we were all knackered.
I looked around and my french roommate Amy had put a pillow on top of her knees and had fallen asleep sat upright with her head on her knees. The teacher at the front signalled to our guide Auntie Hitler to go and wake Amy up it gave me a few moments of light relief and a giggle.
A lot of people were nodding off here and there it was bloody hard work. I had to go outside from time to time to breathe some fresh air, I would bend down an inhale the sweet smell of the jasmine outside the hall and ask Mother nature to give me the strength I so needed to get through each session.

I would return  to the hall and again I would start the long process of scanning the body, every finger, toe and inch of skin for sensations. Then the real agony began. I have never experienced pain like it. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the upper back with a sharp knife. It would completely take my breathe away and I was trying so hard to follow Goenkas instructions to just be aware of the pain but not to react so I sat there as still as I could and then the pain would go and then another stabbing would come under my shoulder blade and then in the spine and then in my neck and I cold not hold the tears anymore. A river of salty tears was running down my face into my mouth down my neck and between my breasts and I couldn't  stop, the tears kept coming and coming so I just gave into it and cried and cried. I did not open my eyes I was scared that every eye in the room would be on me and I was frozen still in agony with memories coming into my mind as clear as day.
Eventually the tears stopped coming and the acuteness of the pain eased and I was just left feeling weak and aching and sad. I could hear something going on , crying and talking so I opened my eyes and one of the Indian ladies had fainted and was being carried to the back of the room and was weeping on the floor. We all left the hall for lunch and I had a look at some of the others and I could see that people were sad, tired and I think for everyone it had been a really intense morning. I was glad it was over but was scared what the afternoon would bring.
I kept my head down through lunch I still felt so emotional and I was fighting to keep the tears in my eyes until I ate lunch and could get out of there and be on my own.

Every day of Vipassana is hard work. The keeping silent part is the easy part. The first 3 days is to help to quiet the mind as our minds are full of thousands of thoughts and concentrating on the breathe for 3 days helps to soothe the mind and calm the chitter chatter. But when the real Vipassana starts on the 4th day that is when the real work begins. There were moments when I could have screamed I was in so much pain and there were mornings when I had to fight to keep myself awake through the meditation session because my head kept nodding forward with exhaustion.
I did find a way to deal with the pain though by using my breathe I found a way to almost accept the pain and by the 5th and 6th day I was enjoying the pain which sounds nuts. I realised that the pain was all the deep rooted things I had been holding on to and I had to let them go so when I felt the pain I did as Goenka said I just watched it, I didn't move I just observed it until it went and then I would observe the next pain until that also went. I did not react and I did not move I just concentrated on the pain and breathed slowly through it. It was incredible how I would be in complete agony but as soon as I opened my eyes at the end of the session the pain would instantly go. This is because the pain was not really physical well it felt physical but it was coming from the mind, from the pain I had in my mind and soul that was manifesting as physical pain. Once I got that and understood that I could not wait to get into each session. Yes it was torture but I knew every time I walked out of those doors after each session I was a little more pure a little lighter and a little more at peace.

On the last day we were all allowed to talk after the morning session. I could not believe how awful it all sounded. It was complete chaos in the dinning hall. Everyone seemed to be walking faster moving quicker, everyone was laughing and shrieking and banging trays and scratching chairs along the floor. I could not believe the difference in the place and I hated it. I felt completely overwhelmed I did not want to speak to anyone so I just ran back to my room and stood underneath a cold shower trying to wash away the noise that was polluting the air. I then got on my hands and knees and started scrubbing the floor in the bathroom  and then the walls, I was like a mad woman possessed scrubbing and cleaning hiding from the noise.
Eventually Deepa came to my room and dragged me out of the bathroom laughing at my antics. It was nice to talk to her again and I gradually faced the crowds but it did feel strange.
 I had felt safe in the silence it is almost like a security blanket and now everyone was talking I felt exposed like more of me could be seen. I found for the first time in 10 days that I was looking in the mirror checking my hair and I realised how strange that was that in silence I almost felt invisible and how now surrounded by everyone talking I felt naked and vulnerable. I wished we could go back to the silence but I don't think any of the Indian woman thought so. They were laughing at the tops of their voices, slapping there hands on there hips, shouting to each other but to be honest a lot of them had talked to each other for the whole course but they were really going for it now.
I have to admit once I had adjusted I realised that what I had missed in the last 10 days was laughter. The first time I heard Deepa's father laugh again I throw my arms around him and hugged him.

We all went into the meditation hall to hear Goenka do his final talk. He advised us to do Vipassana every morning and evening for 1 hour and we all said we would of course but I guess maybe only a small percentage of those there would willingly put them selves through that daily torture. Who knows though I was certainty going to try to do it every day.
I really felt that Vipassana had given me the tools to deal with my problems. I did not come out of there under any illusion I knew that I had just made a start on things that I had to carry on my hard work on the outside, in the real world
I came out of there more at peace than I had been in my life. I had realised things that I had buried deep inside and I had faced them. I felt lighter and happier and I really felt that I had a deeper spiritual presence within myself. I could feel more and my senses were so heightened and I could see beauty all around me and also within me.

Saying goodbye to everyone was  full of loves and hugs and all the Indians and the westerners laughed together bonded by a mutual respect, we were all aware what each other had been through and we were all proud of each other for getting to that final day.

I would recommend Vipassana to everyone. I think you have to enter it with a determined and focused attitude. It is no stroll in the park but it is a wonderful way to get to the bottom of things to take a long hard look at yourself and a way in which to move forward in your life.

So I said goodbye to Auntie Hitler who had shouted at us, peeped on us through our windows and rang the bell in our ears at 4am and headed off with Deepa and her family to her family home.


 But that is a whole new story..................

Indigestion India.........My Vipassana Expirience

I don't think anyone could believe it when they heard I was going to take part in a 10 day silence meditation course. To be honest I had no idea how I would cope with it either.
As you know I talk a lot and  I talk a lot of shite!!!.
In fact the only person I know who talks as much balderdash as I is Russell Brand.

I said my goodbyes to the friends I had met in Rishikesh and boarded the local bus to Dehradun. I found the Vipassana Centre by asking people along the way. 

I signed in and sat and waited, not sure what I was waiting for I was just told to sit and wait. That is something that you just get used to in India, no one tells you anything, there is never an explanation just an order.  So I sat and waited reading the Vipassana literature on the walls explaining the technique and how it can help with anxiety and stress and can relieve deep rooted problems and purify the mind. It all sounded good to me I needed help in all those areas. 

Then a really beautiful Indian woman arrived with a man on the back of a scooter. She sat down and signed in also and then the man left. I did not expect to see an Indian woman at Vipassana, she was about my age so I would think for sure she was married with children and after being in India for 5 months and learned so much about Indian culture I doubted very much that the wife and mother could just piss off for 10 days to a meditation retreat leaving the husband to manage the house, but she was here and signed in so she was defiantly doing the course .She turned around and looked at me and I smiled and then she smiled back. She was so beautiful with thick dark brown hair just past her shoulders,  that was unusual for Indian ladies as usually they have a long plait down to the waist but this lady had a modern style to her hair. She was wearing a beautiful Punjabi style suit which is a long tunic over very loose baggy trousers, I thought she looked like a stick of rock it was pink and peach,  she looked like a pastel fairy.

Two more people arrived a tall strong looking Indian woman and an older man I would say in his sixty's, they knew the beautiful pastel fairy so I guessed they must be family. The man behind the desk then told us all to get into the rickshaw that had just pulled up outside. It was a tight squeeze the 4 of us squeezed in to the back of the rickshaw pressed in side by side in the sweltering heat. I was sat next to the tall strong looking lady and her big strong thigh was pressing on top of mine cutting of the circulation and making me feel so hot I wanted to jump out. The pastel fairy asked my name and we started talking, she could speak some English so we chatted away for the 20 minute journey bumping and bashing ourselves black and blue in the back of the rusty rickshaw.
The older man was her father and I thought how attractive he was for his age. He was wearing a white tunic and white trousers and she told me he as  a guru. He had black hair and a white beard and the most beautiful  big brown eyes the colour of sweet dates and long silky black eyelashes and I couldn't help thinking what a beautiful man he must have been when he was younger.
The pastel fairy turned out to be Deepa and the strong lady with the iron thighs was called Madhu, She never told me her fathers name but I just called him Papa. Deepa asked me why I was doing Vipassana and I said I wanted to be peaceful that I talk to much and I wanted a challenge and I wanted to be closer to God and to purify my mind. She translated for her Father and Madhu and he roared laughing he thought it was hilarious that I said I said I wanted to be closer to God he said he didn't expect a western woman to say that.

We were dropped off a 5 minute walk away from the Vipassana centre and had to walk across a field and through a shallow rocky stream. It was so beautiful and peaceful, the Centre was nestled into a hillside surrounded  by a vast forest and green hills. I could see the top of the Pagoda (Temple)  and it looked so enchanting. I was so excited and happy to be here and I could not wait to get started.

There was a few people already there some Indians and one or two westerners. Everyone looked a little nervous and again nobody really knew what was happening so I just sat down under a tree with Deepa and her family. I fell in love with her father from that 1st day,  he was so charming, he could speak a very small amount of English but it didn't matter he had such a wonderful energy about him that I just loved watching him, he was always laughing and his laugh was amazing a real happy funny laugh filled with love. I felt sad that I would not hear that laugh for 10 days I would miss it.
  Deepa and I chatted  away, she told me she was married it was her husband that had dropped her off earlier and she had 2 daughters who were 7 & 9. She said they had begged her not to go but she knew it was something she had to do. Her Father had done Vipassana 4 years ago and had inspired her to do it. Her Father was a Guru a spiritual teacher and had about 50  students and was building his own ashram. It was so interesting to talk to Deepa, I really felt so comfortable with her right from the start.

I told her about my family and all the fights and problems with my sister, how sometimes I am not allowed to see my niece and nephew for weeks because I am not a Christian and because I have other beliefs,  my sister thinks that because I go to Buddhist temples and Krishna temples that I am evil and will influence my niece and nephew. I have been accused of being a witch, of mixing with the occult of worshiping the devil, well of all kinds of rubbish that just is not true.
 I started crying and Deepa hugged me and I felt like I had known her for years. She asked me to go with her to her family home when we had finished the Vipassana course in 10 days. She said she wanted me to meet her daughters and stay with them.  I was so touched, we had only met about an hour before and she was inviting me to her home. I said I would love to meet her daughters and so that was that I was going to go straight to her family home with her after Vipassana. I was so glad I had not made any plans or travel arrangement's in advance.
  Deepa told me that the night before Vipassana she had dreamt that she would meet a western woman at Vipassana and would become close friends, she had told her Father about it the next morning and she said she knew when I smiled at her in the registration centre in town that it was me. That was overwhelming but I believed it,  I know how these things happen theses dreams and coincidences and how people come together and here in India things like that happen all the time.
I told Deepa that I loved he pastel Punjabi suit and straight away she said  "it is yours"  I tried to argue with her and I was saying no, no I can't take it but she would hear none of it, she insisted that she would wash it that same day and it was mine all she wanted in return was that I accompanied her and her father and his student Madhu to her family home in Dehradun.

Eventually we were  given hot sweet tea and were told to hand over our passports, valuables, telephones and all electrical appliances and writing material.

We all then went to watch a video to welcome us to the course and give us instruction to guide us through the next 10 days.
Mr S N Goenka is the teacher of Vipassana he was born in Burma but is of Indian decent. He practised Vipassana for 14 years and then travelled to India were he  settled and has taught since 1969. Vipassana dates back thousands of years and was taught by The Enlightened one...The Buddha.
I adored Goenka as soon as I heard him speak. He is so cute, elderly with white hair, his eyes are almost shut and he has a big chapatti tummy.
 The video was about 2 hours long and I was exhausted by the time it was finished but I now had more of an idea about what was expected of me.
We were to  abstain from talking to each other for 10 days, we were not aloud to read anything to write anything or to communicate in any way with each other. We were allowed to talk with the teacher at certain times of the day but this was to be kept to a minimum. Also there were two female guides to look after the woman and two male guides to take care of the men and we could speak with them if we needed any help, extra cushions for meditation etc.
 We were told that we were not allowed to kill anything, not an ant or a mosquito and we were not allowed to steal or take any type of intoxicant, no smoking,  no drugs and we were not allowed to have sex. Well I thought what kind of holiday camp is this, I cant speak I cant get pissed and I cant get me bloody leg over.
 I would have been out of there like a rat up a drain pipe back in the day but I was really looking forward to seeing how this all unfolded. I knew I would never steal anything and I would not be having sex for sure and I never kill anything and I don't smoke and haven't drank alcohol for months but the no talking was the thing that I was really interested to see how I got on with.  Everyone that knows me knows my mouth is constantly in action I could talk a glass eye to sleep I just rattle on and on about all sorts of shite all the time. To be honest I felt exhausted with my own chatter, so God knows how everybody else feels.
 I yearned to be still, to be quiet, to feel true peace and I really felt I would discover a way to those,  through meditation.

We were told that as from the time the video finished we would be required not to talk until the 10th day. So we all made our way silently to our rooms. I was sharing with a German girl Madeline, we had met earlier in the day. It felt really nice to be silent I liked it, we were told to keep our heads down and not make eye contact so I tried my best. I had a shower and then went to bed. It felt strange to be in a room with someone and just be in silence, we just turned the light off and went to sleep. To be honest though I found it quite nice to not do the normal formalities of, "would you like the light on"" or "shall I turn it off now?'" "Goodnight sweet dreams" and all those other things we say that just fill every second of the day with chatter and thoughts.
Everyday in Vipassana starts at 4am. I was awake in the morning about 3.50am so as soon as the 4am bell rang I was out of bed and into a cold shower, well when I say shower I mean a bucket of cold water and a plastic jug to throw the freezing water over yourself. If that doesn't wake you up nothing will.
No one was talking they were just floating around in a  dreamy silence in slow motion. some of them looked half a sleep and not impressed with the early morning bell being rang next to their ear by Auntie Hitler, our guide.
The first meditation of the day starts at 4.30am in the main meditation hall close to the Pagoda. We were all given our own cushion on the floor and were told that that would be our set for the duration of the course. Men and woman were separated and we were all sat in neat lines facing the teacher who sat facing us dressed in white wearing little round Gandhi style spectacles.
It all felt very strange, it was still dark outside and the mosquito's were nipping away at my hands and feet. A cassette was played, the recording was of Goenka and he instructed us and guided us through the morning meditation. So the teacher at the front did not speak a word he just pressed the buttons on the tape recorder and let Goenka do the work. The recording was in Hindi and in English. I loved the sound of Goenka's voice it was very deep and warm and smooth.
The recording started with Goenka doing some chanting. Of course I had no idea what it all meant but it was hypnotic and I found myself rocking and swaying slowly as I glided off into meditation. I have always found meditation a real struggle, my mind is so active with thoughts, memories fears and just the day to day hustle and bustle that collects there in our heads.   I could feel the energy in the room and it felt especially strong when Goenka chanted. Sometimes I would feel completely light as though I had left my body and it felt wonderful and then sometimes I would loose it completely the blissful feeling would go because my mind would wander. I would be thinking some ridiculous thought and then snap back to were I was supposed to be realising I was supposed to be concentrating on my breathe.  I could not help but open my eyes when my mind had wondered I wanted to see what everybody else was doing. Some were sat up as straight as Buddha like they had a poker up their arse,  where as others were sitting with legs stretched out in front of them already in agony.
 I noticed that Deepa was on the row behind to my left, she was sitting very still and had a real look of peace on her face. I glanced over to the other side of the hall were the men were sat, I cold see Deepa's father he was deep in meditation and  was rocking very slowly back and forth. I was glad that someone else was rocking I don't know why I do that when I meditate but as soon as I close my eyes I start to rock backwards and forwards. I can imagine I must look like a raving lunatic.
There was about 100 students in the hall and a quick glance I could only see about 20 westerners the rest were Indian and there was one Japanese girl in the front row. By what I could see it was the westerners that seemed to be in the most discomfort. The Indians were sat crossed legged meditating away peacefully but the westerners were crossing and un crossing there legs. It is just not normal for us to sit so long crossed legged on the floor. In the west our arses are forced into chairs as soon as we can sit but Indians always sit on the floor crossed legged or they crouch down sitting on their haunches.
 I could see overweight woman that looked in their sixties sitting crossed legged quite comfortably. I mean how many fat 60 year olds do you know in England that can sit on a stone floor with their legs crossed for 2 hours and if they did they wouldn't be able to get up after. You would have to get the fire brigade to get their fat arses up out of there.

The morning session lasted for 2 hours. We were told to just sit as still as we could, eyes closed, legs crossed,  hands still and to concentrate on our respiration. Just to observe it going in and out through our nose. It was hard. I could feel that I was definitively more settled than I usually am in meditation but 2 hours of observing the area at the front of your nose is harder than it sounds. Goenka told us not to analyse it, not to challenge it just to observe to feel the air coming in and to notice which nostril it comes in, maybe one maybe both and then to feel it coming out, the warmth of it on our lip. To be honest I really could have coped with that but my hips were really starting to hurt. I was fidgeting around and by the end of the 2 hours so were even the Indian students. As soon as it was 6.30am we were up and out of there, you could feel the relief hanging in the air.
Breakfast was served at 6.30am and there was a rush for the canteen. One Indian lady pushed straight past be and almost broke into a sprint to be the first through the door.
I don't want to be rude but there were some big fat Indian asses in that room. Every single Indian woman that looked over 40 was obese. I have never seen people eat so much, they were going up for seconds and thirds and I thought for God sake how the hell are you going to concentrate on meditation when your poor body is trying to digest that mountain of food. The food was strictly vegetarian and it was wonderful, fresh organic vegetables and fruit and whole grains I thought that some of theses woman should use this opportunity to loose some of their bulk, I mean we were going to be sitting on our arses for 10 days so we really didn't need to eat much at all. There was no coffee allowed no garlic or chili or onion which are stimulants which can make it hard to meditate but I really think that one serving of food per person should have been enforced. We were there to learn self control and these woman were stuffing their faces like old sows

We had an hour an a half for breakfast and then we were back in to the meditation hall from 8 o'clock until 11am. This was agony for me. Again we were told to observe the breath but all I  could observe was the pain in my hips. It felt like I had daggers stabbing through my flesh and crunching into the bone. I was in so much pain and when I looked around to check that I was not the only twat that was not sat bolt up straight like the Buddha I could see 4 of the western woman had moved to the back of the hall to sit against the wall. Some of the men had also moved back. I was determined not to sit against the wall. I was in agony yes but I wanted to face what ever Vipassana dealt me with courage so I just sat it out. I tried to stay as still as I could but there were times when I just had to stretch out my legs just to get the blood flowing again and then I would cross them again.
When that session was finished I limped out of the hall in agony and really had to fight back the tears because I did not know how the hell I was going to sit through the afternoon session that was from 1pm until 5pm.
I had my lunch and again watched the Indian lady's piling food on their plates and instead of just taking one piece of fruit they would take 2 or three and they always took 2 or three chapatti's. It made me feel sick to watch them to be honest, there is one thing I hate and that is greed,  it is a horrible thing to witness, that look of greed in someones eyes.
When I returned to my room for a much needed shower and rest Auntie Hitler one of the guides was already there waiting for me, she told me that Madeline and myself would have to move rooms. Of course I could not speak I just nodded my head but I was fuming, I did not want to move, I had made my room all pretty, put my mosquito net up and all my family photos and pretty scarves and Rollie was on the bed settled but I didn't have much bloody choice I could have hardly told her to feck off could I?.
She then went on to tell me that the two Indian woman did not want to share "their room" with a western girl and would we move in with her so the two Indian woman could be alone in my room. I was furious, the cheeky bitches I thought. If I was allowed to talk I would have had a few words to say on the matter but I couldn't, so I went into my room and packed my bag and started to move.

 Looking back I handled the situation terribly.

 When I walked into the room in which I was now to stay in the two Indian woman were in there talking which pissed me off even more. We were all supposed to be being quiet and Auntie Hitler had just bent my ear about moving rooms and now these two prejudice bitches were chewing the fat in my new room. So absolutely furious and close to exploding I slammed my bag down and they both looked up in surprise and I started banging things around and throwing their dirty bed sheets out the door. No words were used but they didn't need to be, I'm quite sure they knew exactly how I felt about what had happened, They probably thought that this crazy western woman was going to through them also out of the door after the dirty  bedsheets, I was tempted I can tell you, they were out of that room so fast there was sparks coming off their saris.

Before I started Vipassana I promised myself that I would accept whatever I was asked to do with good grace and integrity. I was determined to not allow my ego to rule my senses and I had failed miserably on the first day. Yes the Indian ladies were wrong to refuse to share a room with a western woman but that was their own business, their eventual Karma, their lesson to learn. I should have just accepted my fate with good grace and should have just moved silently and with peace and compassion,   but no I had been angry and resentful and now I had created bad karma for myself, bad thoughts that lead to bad emotions and I know how all of that poisons the soul. Yes I had agreed to move but really if you only do something because you have to but you do it with anger and hate then really you have not done a good deed at all. I promised myself that I would not fail the next challenge as I was sure there would be many more throughout these 10 days.

TO BE CONTINUED