The Sacred River & Saying Goodbye

Mr Nepal his business partner and myself could not wait to get the hell out of Agra, what a strange place, filled with strange people that look like they had been interbred a thousand times over and belted over the head at birth for good measure.

Our next destination was Rishikesh Uttarakhand in the foothills of the Himalayas but we had to first travel back to Delhi by bus which was about 6 hours as all the trains were full, collect our luggage and then travel by bus again for about 10 hours from Delhi to Rishikesh.
The bus from Agra to Delhi ended up taking about 9 hours due to traffic caused by two different traffic accidents along the way and because we arrived in Delhi later than expected that meant we had to tear through the streets of Delhi,  grab our stuff and jump on another bus that was being held for us and travel all through the night without food or a shower or change of clothes.

The bus to Rishikesh was a rusty, rattling box of old tin. The driver and his guide were a pair of bad tempered miserable bastards that just shouted orders at everyone, telling people to, move, get up, sit down, shut up all that was missing was fuck off!
I don't know what scam they were operating but no one was allowed to put there luggage in the luggage area under the bus, we were all told to take our luggage on to the bus with us. So the isle was full of bags and to get off the bus to use the loo or to get fresh air you had to climb over everyone's bags. We did hear some banging coming from the luggage area so maybe they had smuggled people or drugs or both under there, I don't know but whatever it was it had made the driver and the guide very hostile towards us and I couldn't wait to get off.

Eventually we arrived in Rishikesh. We were all exhausted but it was so wonderful to get off the bus and to breathe in the fresh mountain air after being in Delhi amongst all of the dust and smog.
The mountains were beautiful and lush and green and it was so  early that the sun had not yet risen so the day was fresh and new and just coming alive. I felt the cool breeze through my curls and I felt really great that I was here in Rishikesh.
This is the point that the wooded mountains of Garhwal rise from the low valley and where the Mother Ganges crashes onto the plains. This is where the yogis and sadhus start their pilgrimage north to the high Himalayas to the mountain temples and shrines. This is where I had longed to be, to swim in the sacred river and purify my soul and wash away my sins, to mingle with spiritual people and learn more of how to live a pure and honest life.
It was so early that all the guest houses and chai shops (tea shops) were still closed, no one was around, the streets were deserted so we just sat on a low stone wall and the boys smoked their cigarettes and we watched the moody cows waggling through the streets and the cheeky monkeys taking their morning exercise.

Mr Nepal organised rooms for us  from his never ending list of contacts. He had worked in Rishikesh 6 years ago so he knew people there, so we stayed at the guest house were he used to work. It was beautiful and high up in the hills overlooking the village of Lakshmanjhula and the sparkling turquoise river. It was peaceful and cool and fresh. The boys were due to leave India in 4 days to head to Nepal  so Mr Nepal ordered whiskey and Himalayan smokey and enjoyed 4 days of fun. I know I said I wasn't going to drink alcohol while I was here but to be honest I knew it was just for a very short time just a few days and I was sensible..... ish. I never drank in the day especially in the morning which for me is a no no as it means all day oblivion and I only drank once I had eaten a good meal and I drank at least 4 litre's of water a day to purify the effects. But because my system was so pure and toxin free I really did feel the effects. I felt tired every morning and couldn't go to yoga and I can honestly say that I'm glad I did it because it proved to me again that I really want to live my life without any artificial stimulants because there is always a price to pay and it is rarely worth it.

We saw a lot of Rishikesh together we went to the centre of the town and ate great food and found a restaurant that specialised in southern Indian cuisine because Mr Nepal's business partner was missing his coconut curries and rotti's. 
We went to the local town of Haridwar known as the 'Gates of God'. This is the exact spot that the river Ganges leaves the mountains and is visited by hundreds of Hindus every day. Every twelve years there is a huge festival  'Kumbh Mela' were thousands of Hindus travel from all over India and the world on pilgrimage to pray. There we rode cable cars up into the mountains to visit 2 incredible temples that are not usually visited by westerners but Mr Nepal negotiated again with the locals and I was allowed to enter.

One day we all went down to the river and we swam and played in the water and it was wonderful. We floated a small offering into the water, golden marigolds and  incense and a small candle wrapped inside a little basket made from a banana leaf. We all prayed and lit the candle and watched it float away down the river taking our prayers with it. The energy of the river is incredibly powerful. I was really surprised how beautiful the beach was I had not expected a beach I had always thought the river, though sacred would be dirty with dead donkeys and litter floating by but it was so so clean. The sand  was soft and shimmered under the sun like the inside of a Crystal Geode and the water was transparent and cool and the most beautiful colour of Japanese Jade, it was more beautiful than I had ever imagined it to be.
Emerged there in Mother Ganges up to my neck I felt cleansed and pure and so close to God, it was magical and I will never forget it.

It was sad saying goodbye to Mr Nepal & his business partner. We had had a great time together and we had seen so much and done so much. We enjoyed our last supper together and drank cheep whisky and smoked the Himalayan finest but to be honest I knew the love affair with Mr Nepal had run it's course. We were worlds apart. I was 10 years older than he and he told me his family are of the highest caste in Nepal, that they descend from royalty and even though my friends affectionately call me Queen Jacqueline I most certainly do not descended from royalty.
I knew there was no future for us but we had had a great time and I had learnt many lessons from our little love affair. I learnt that I can be stubborn and childish and also that I can be wrong. I also learnt that I can love and I want to be loved and I am ready for that. I also learnt that for me I want to be with a spiritual partner someone that lives an honest life with God in his heart and I know that alcohol and drugs no longer hold any attraction for me at all.
Mr Nepal's business partner is a great man, kind, hansom, funny and caring and I will miss his friendly face.
Mr Nepal is gorgeous and funny and has a thirst for fun and life and wants to enjoy every second of every day and that its a wonderful energy to be part of.
 But I knew it was time for me to get back on track. I missed my yoga, I missed waking up fresh and talking to God, I missed my chanting, Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna and I was looking forward to being back on my own and cleansing myself again. It will take many dunks in the river to get rid of all this whiskey and smoke I thought.
And I knew that all I had done really was satisfy the flesh. I had given in to my desires and satisfied my flesh, but that was all that was satisfied. My soul was not satisfied and I knew it never would be with sex, alcohol and drugs, so I said goodbye and I was grateful honestly for what we had shared and what I had learned but now back on my own I was ready for the next part of my adventure and the only stimulant I needed was God.

The Beautiful Taj Mahal

Agra is one bloody strange place.

To be honest if you are planning to go there to see the Taj Mahal then go, see it and get the hell out of there as fast as you can.

We arrived about 10pm to Agra and as the train pulled into the station I could feel the negative energy pouring into the carriages through the windows. I don't know why or how I get these feelings but I just do and traveling alone all over the world for as long as I have I have learned to listen to my gut instinct and my gut was telling me that Agra was not a place to be spending any more time than was necessary in.
The station was in complete darkness and I was again so relieved to be with two men because if I was alone I'm not sure I would have got off and braved the darkness and whatever evil it concealed.
As soon as we were off the train we were surrounded by 10 or 20 men pushing us and shoving us, trying to get us to go with them to hotels and guest houses and I was glad that I had left my back pack in the room  in Delhi and only had a small overnight jobbie to worry about.
 Mr Nepal was as cool as a cucumber and told them all very politely in Hindi to 'fuck the hell off into the darkness and die' but still they trailed us through the car-park out of the train station and up the road. We left Mr Nepal to handle the negotiations and eventually we all climbed into a rickshaw and headed off in to the night to find a hotel I had found in The rough guide. Of course the driver made a de-tour to a hotel he was obviously paid commission from to bring guests to, but we sat firm, didn't get out and told him to shift his dusty ass up the road and find our hotel. He wasn't happy but eventually we landed at our hotel and it was so good to be in the safety of the four walls.

Mr Nepal on the other hand had different ideas and wanted to have a few beers so off we went against my gut feeling back into the bad vibes of Agra with another rickshaw driver who promised to bring us to a 'very good bar sir, very nice, very cheap' and wait for us to drink our beers and take us back to the hotel.

Well as soon as I walked into the joint I knew I should be spinning on the worn down heel of my flip flop and be getting my big tired ass out of there. I'm not saying it was the worst bar I have drank in because believe me I have drank in more dives than Amy Whinehouse but it looked like the kind of place that the local gangsters would avoid because they knew they were bound to get involved in a fight with a rival gang.

We stepped inside a dark smokey room and the only other woman in there was either Indian  or Nepalese and was definitely a prostitute. All the guys were huddled together nudging each other as we walked past and had shifty eyes and stained teeth and the atmosphere was dark and full of danger.  We all looked at each other and knew we could not stay in that room so compromising with the fact that Mr Nepal really wanted to have a beer we sat outside the bar and drank our beers fast. Mr Nepal as usual had a bit of a thirst on so he ordered a couple more beers and then he decided that he had made a mistake by bringing me to that hovel and he wanted to get me out of there and back to the hotel (not before he had had his second beer though, I noticed, nice touch)
So all safe and ready to go we stood outside and tried to locate our rickshaw driver but he was no where to be seen. I was beginning to worry and thinking, shite this is not the kind of place to get stranded. three strangers from out of town, one Nepalese and an Indian man that you can tell has a bit of money and a western woman with a bag. Then finally up stumbles our rickshaw driver from the basement blind drunk and dribbling crap down his vest, he could barely stand. "what the fuck are we going to do now" I asked the other two, but we all knew we had no bloody choice we had to get in the rickshaw with the drunken bag of shite that took us there and get the hell out of there.
It's amazing how someone can be blind drunk, cant stand but put them behind a wheel of a car and they drive like the old bird off 'Driving Miss daisy' Now I'm not suggesting you try it but on that night in Agra I have to say it was the calmest, gentlest leisurely drive through the dark streets and to be honest we had no bloody choice anyway.

We all went to bed and I was so excited I couldn't wait to wake up and see the Taj Mahal for the 1st time. We were all up and showered by 6am and on the roof of our hotel watching the beautiful sun rise above the strange town of Agra basking the opal coloured Taj Mahal in a veil of sheer mist. It seemed so strange that such a beautiful monument could be there in the middle of all of that dirt and danger.

Nothing can prepare you for your first sight of the Taj Mahal. It is the most beautiful building I have ever seen. It is the most beautiful thing, I have ever seen apart from the faces of my Niece and Nephew when I saw them for the first seconds of their lives.
We hired a guide who walked us through the grounds and told us the enchanting story of how the great Emperor Shah Jahan had loved his wife so much that when she died he built the Taj Mahal to house her tomb and when he died he was buried beside her where they would lie side by side for eternity encased in the beautiful white marble walls.
I thought to myself, bloody hell I can rarely get a man to stay until the pissin morning and here look at this love, a huge monument built to entwine 2 hearts for all eternity.
I was surprised to discover that we were allowed inside the Taj and it was so incredibly beautiful. The white marble walls so smooth and so cool and Garnet and Lapis lazuli and other precious and semi precious stones from Africa and Israel adorning the the walls. For me it was a dream come true and walking through the beautiful gardens full of blossoming trees and flower gardens,  I knew how blessed I was and I thanked God for those special moments for what I had seen on this day and felt in my heart.

Before leaving the Taj Mahal I kissed one of it's beautiful marble walls and sat for a moment on the stool at the front of the Taj where Princess Diana had sat looking so beautiful yet so sad and alone. Sitting there I too felt lonely and sad, I suppose hearing of the immense love that Shah Jahan had had for his wife made me realise that I had never had that  kind of love for anyone and I don't think anyone has had that kind of love for me and I wondered if that was what Diana was thinking as she sat there all alone with all those photographers shooting photos of her.

I promised the great Emperor that  I would be back, one day but next time I would not be alone because even though I was with my 2 friends, my heart was still alone, but next time no, I knew it would be different and I knew I would be in love with someone and I would come there filled with love because that is the only way to be in the presence of such a place that was built from love, from the deepest most sincere and heart warming love and it made tears sting my eyes because I knew with all of my heart I wanted that kind of love and I knew I deserved it and I knew now I was able to give that kind of love to somebody else.

The Delhi Schedule

Well I had a wonderful time in Delhi.

Me Nepal's staff travelled back to Nepal so that left just the three of us. Mr Nepal his business partner and me.
We saw so much of the crazy city and did so many things. Every morning we would be up early and out and we would be travelling all over the city from Old Delhi to New Delhi, from Temples to Mosques from the lush pretty gardens in the modern area to the poor slums on the edge of the city filled with poverty and disease. We must have used every form of transport under the fiery sun, the train, metro, cycle rickshaw, motor rickshaw and at one point we travelled on a cart pulled by a bull the size of an elephant.

We visited a beautiful Mosque, the largest mosque in India The Jama Masjid. The courtyard is huge and holds over 25,000 worshippers, thank God they were not all there on that day.
Mr Nepal's business partner is a Muslim so for him especially it was an experience of a lifetime, but for all of us it was incredible.
 It was so so beautiful. It is made from rich red sandstone and pearly white marble that felt so refreshingly cool under my hot feet and just pressing my cheek against the beautiful smooth walls made me feel so peaceful inside.
The Mosque was designed by Shah Jahan the man who designed both the Taj Mahal and the Red Fort. It sits proudly on Bho jhal one of Shahjahanabad's two hills and over looks the colourful streets of Old Delhi.
We climbed the red sandstone staircases enfolded in their coolness and peacefulness to the top of the tower that overlooked the splendour of the Mosque, it's white marble bulbous domes and minaret reaching into the heavens.

 I stood in the shadows and watched my friend as he prayed to God. It was a beautiful moment seeing the peace and devotion on his handsome face and it made me question again how people can be so ignorant and small minded and believe that only one religion can be right. Of course there can not be only path to God, the world is full of millions of different people, thousands of different cultures and hundreds of customs and beliefs so how can anyone try to force all of that onto one path.
Watching devote Muslims pray that day, hearing their words of devotion whispered into the sacred breeze of that magnificent place I felt so close to God and close to the peace that I think we are all looking for.

Travelling the world I have been so fortunate to live within Buddhist countries, Muslim, Christian and Hindu. My dearest and kindest friends are Krishna Devotees and I have met the most special souls in all of these faiths so again I feel that only ignorance can try to dictate that there is only one path to God.
For me I believe that if you want to have God in your life, if you want to live to do Gods work then open your heart and let God come in. The door is always open we just have to step inside.

 I think our path will be shown to us eventually if we really seek to find it. I was born into an Irish Roman Catholic family but I know that is not the path for me. My brother who is the most kind and loving soul is a Christian but again I love Jesus and his teachings but I know that the Christian path is not the way for me and my sister who I love dearly is such an extremist in her faith that she believes that if you do not follow the path to God through Christ you will burn in hell. I think that it is crazy to believe that all  Hindu's are wrong and all  Buddhists and so on and only the Christians are right. It is ludicrous and unbelievable to me. I respect the path that my family have chosen and I only wish my sister could respect mine.
If we could just understand that there is only one God and we all have the right to follow our own path to find him and to respect each other and our differences then what a peaceful world we would live in.

So as I stood there watching my friend pray I realised that I would always feel just as comfortable in a Mosque as I do in a temple or in a Church because my heart is open to God and he will find me where ever I am and whatever building I am standing in.

We also visited the Red fort (Lal Qila).
Again it is built with red sandstone and is modelled on the fort at Agra. It was incredibly beautiful with lush gardens and marble domes and a beautiful mosque in it's grounds all surrounded by a huge moat that was once filled with cool water from the Yamuna river.
It was very busy, mainly huge Indian family's from small babies right up to the grandparents, I thought it was wonderful that so many people take their whole families on these trips to educate them about their country and History.
The Visit to the museum within the fort was very hard for me. In every room there were paintings and sculptures depicting the British invasion and rule over India and their struggle for Independence.
 The fear they brought with them etched into every painting before my eyes and as I stood there among all of those Indian people I felt ashamed and sickened of my heritage and my white skin.
So many people died so many people suffered, so much was taken and raped and stolen from these people. I felt I had to get out of there because I felt I was contaminated, that stood there I was a reminder to them all of what had been done to them and their people.
 So I left and waited outside in the shadows crying for all of those terrible things that we had done.

We also visited the very beautiful lotus temple that stands so peacefully like a white angel amongst a million flowers overlooking the dusty city. It is shaped like a giant lotus flower and inside it is so cool and so peaceful and the white marble floor radiates like a beautiful lake lit with the sun shinning through the windows. It is not dedicated to any particular religion, it is a shrine of Love to God, a place where anyone from any religion can go to pray to God and be still.
 The three of us sat in prayer inside the white marble silence and I don't think anywhere in the world was more peaceful at that moment.

Travelling in male company makes it so much easier in India. Don't get me wrong I have been travelling now for three months alone and no one has touched me or overstepped the line to the point that I felt frightened or threatened but the attention is overwhelming. Everybody stares at me all the time and when you are surrounded by 20 men on a bus and all 20 sets of eyes are looking at every inch of your body then you do feel uncomfortable. So travelling with an Indian man and a Nepalese man made me feel a lot more comfortable and protected.
We were able to see so much of the City because Mr Nepal had been there so many times. He would lead the way and we would follow through busy bizarres and narrow back streets, dodging crazy drivers and clumsy cows, we travelled  in boats on rivers and trains under and over  the city.

There are so many more places to see in Delhi but in four days we never stopped rushing this way and that and we were all exhausted and to be honest four days was more than enough. I would definitely come back and do a little more there but the pollution and hecticness of the place really is intense so I really was ready to leave the city.
We were leaving the next day for Agra to visit the Taj Mahal and I could not wait. I had dreamt about visiting the beautiful Taj Mahal for years.

All in all Delhi was an amazing experience and I love Delhi  with all of its filth and squalor and hassle and hustle. It's  like anything if you open your eyes and your heart and scratch bellow the surface you will see the true essence of what is really there.

 It is the same with  people. Even the person you judge to be the worst of men, if you open your heart  you will see that underneath all of that anger and pain and hatred in their eyes that we are all the same. And inside everyone there is always good maybe it is very deep or maybe it has been forgotten or trampled on so badly that it is a very dim light inside a dark cave but it is there....we just have to look with an open heart.

Forgivness in New Delhi

I walked around in the blistering heat of New Delhi for almost 2hrs trying to find a room.

I was feeling so dam sorry for myself and I was feeling angry with myself too for being so stubborn if I had  kept my big trap shut and not been so childish I would now be tucked up in a nice bed after a nice shower with a gorgeous man from Nepal. As it was I was filthy head to toe, sad, depressed, tired and lonely.

The rooms I viewed were all terrible. Dusty, dirty, stains on the sheets and I just wanted to cry.
In the end due to pure exhaustion I checked into a hotel called Lord Krishna and it was only because of the name that I checked in surly I would be safe in a place named after Lord Krishna.
The manager was asleep on the reception with his dusty sandals on the counter and when he woke up I wish he hadn't because he talked only to my western boobs.
 I was so tired and fed up that I paid the old perv for the dusty dirty room and made my way up the 5 flights of stairs.

I unpacked my bag and was so glad that I had invested in a bed sheet and pillow case in Goa because there was no way I could lie down on what the bed was covered in at the moment, I would raise in the morning, bitten, pregnant and scabied.
I had a shower in the dirty bathroom with tears running down my sad face.
I think this is why I have been single for so long. If you stay alone and don't get involved with anyone then you don't get hurt. I just wanted a little bit of happiness some company some love and now look what had happened. I was not lonely before Mr Nepal came along so why did I feel lonely now? I hate that feeling of missing someone, of needing someone, I like being strong and independent, when I have feelings for someone it makes me feel weak and vulnerable and I hate that feeling.

I decided to brave the outdoors and believe me every time you step outside your door in New Delhi you are dicing with death.
 New Delhi is like no where else I have experienced on earth. It is so hot and so dusty that your nose and mouth are constantly filled with dust. The streets stink of sewage and urine and how people actually buy food from the food stalls on the streets I will never know. I was stepping over rats the size of Yorkshire terriers and was surrounded by thousands of flies buzzing around the muck and squalor. But some how I liked it. I know that sounds crazy but I loved the energy of the place. I loved the way that every square foot of filth was filled with life and noise and action and colour. Every where I looked were faces, happy, sad, angry, every emotion possible happening a thousand times over in the same place.
I was stunned by the noise the constant horns blowing and within ten minutes I had been elbowed in the back by a very large Indian woman in a beautiful Sari, head butted by a cow and almost ran over by a rickshaw.
I decided to go back to my room which was a depressing thought. What was I going to do in Delhi? I had no idea what to see or where to go and again I thought what a twat I had been. Mr Nepal had lived in India for 11 years  and had traveled the entire country and I knew I would have seen so much with him and we would have had so much fun.
I knew I had just discovered more about myself that I needed to work on and change. My own insecurities and childishness and stubbornness had created my unhappiness.

Once back in the room my dark mood did not lift I only felt worse encased in those unwelcoming walls. I felt so bad with how I had behaved. Mr Nepal and his business partner had been so good to me. Taking care of me, carrying my bag always paying for me for food and drinks and I had thrown it all back in their faces. I felt rotten.
So I decided to send Mr Nepal a text message just to apologise. I didn't mind if he didn't answer I would completely understand if he didn't. I just wanted to say sorry. I didn't call as I thought he may hang up on me so I just sent the text message and hoped he could forgive me.
 I felt so much better once I had sent it and I decided that I would have an early night and the next day I would go through the Rough Guide and work out what attractions I wanted to see in and around Delhi and get myself back on track.

Within half and hour the gorgeous Mr Nepal called me and said he wanted to see me. I was so chuffed and it was crazy because he was stopping in the hotel right next door so we met up outside and we both burst out laughing because we both knew how silly we had been.

Later after a lovely dinner and a long chat  he walked me to my hotel and we had a sneaky hug away from the prying eyes and arranged to move into the same hotel the next day.
So the romance was back on, all was forgiven but lessons had been learned and I was so grateful that I had a chance to put things right. Mr Nepal had a 'Delhi Schedule' planned out for us, taking in the temples and mosques and the Red Fort so I was excited and relieved that everything was ok again

So off I went to sleep happy and at peace in my dusty room in New Delhi. What a shocker of a day and all down to silliness. I was determined there was going to be no more of that behavior from now on.

All Aboard the Love Train

So so much has happened since I wrote last that I don't know were to start.

I left the Sivananda Ashram, went back for a few days to the Bio Veda resort then I spent a week in Varkala were I indulged in a passionate love affair with a very gorgeous man from Nepal and he whisked me away to Tamil Nadu for a mucky weekend and then I cancelled my train to Mumbai and travelled with Mr Nepal to Delhi on a 52hr train. Unfortunately things went sour on route and in true Jacquelina style I terminated the love affair and we went our separate ways after 40 hours on the train. So arriving in Delhi alone with not a clue where to go or what to do I must confess to a few tears dripping down my cheeks to the dusty streets of New Delhi.

She is crazy i can hear you say and yes of course I'm crazy but you already knew that so why are you even surprised!!!!

My last few days at Sivananda were wonderful. I met some lovely ladies in the last few says, Caralinka from Poland and Pierret from Florida and Claude from the south of France and the most sweet Caroline from Paris. I will not go into Carolin's business but I will say that she is going through what I think is the hardest thing that anybody can go through in their life. But she is handling it with such grace. We were room mates for a few days and I have to say she will I hope, always be in my life. She is the sweetest soul, I care for her so much and my time at the ashram will always be special and mostly because of what we shared.

After leaving the ashram I returned to the Bio Veda resort in the Neyyar Hills. It was lovely going back. Sunhill the owner was there to meet me with a friendly kiss on the cheek and Calla the cook gave me a wonderful bear hug full of Motherly love. They are wonderful people and we shared some wonderful days. Calla invited me to her family home and fed me constantly and on my last night Sunhill treated us all to a fancy dinner in a fancy hotel which was lovely. Calla wore her best sari and smelt of sweet sandalwood.
Again saying goodbye to them I was sad for some reason they are in my heart and as I left, Sunhil mirrored my thoughts by saying how much he cared for me and he felt sure that we were family in another life that he felt I was his sister and he would always take care of me. He said where ever I was in India, if ever I was in trouble just to call him and he would help me. I will never forget his kindness and I am so grateful to God who always sends such angels to protect me on my journeys.

I was itching to get to the ocean and relax on a sun lounger so off I went to the beach resort of Varkala.
I jumped on the local train which was my first train journey in India so I was dead excited. I was sat in the same carriage as an Indian family of 13 people small babies and children right up to Grandparents. I watched them with interest and there was so much love in that family. The men were holding the babies and kissing them and loving them and  they were all laughing and joking as they shared their food and even offered some to me.

I had been given a telephone number of a man in Varkala who was the manager of a guest house that some friends I had met at the ashram had stayed and and recommended so I gave him a call from the train to book a room.  He was very sweet and helpful and he had a very nice voice and he told me to just jump in a rickshaw from the station and he would see me later at the guest house. Well tickle my tits till Friday, he was gorgeous. My friends had not advised me of such important details as I would have for sure washed my hair and put on my best hippy rags. Over the week that I was there I have to admit I indulged my wicked lustful senses and rolled around in the sheets in Varkala with the very very hansom and sexy man from Nepal. I know I said I was going to be celibate while in India but to be honest I just could not resist. Mr Nepal is so so hansom and we laugh so so much together and he is so much fun that I through caution to the wind along with my g-string and the rest as they say is history.
 Each day we would spend every moment together. He brought me to lovely restaurants and introduced me to all of his friends and we ate incredible food that I would never have tried. I have been single for so so long that to be honest it felt so nice to be surrounded with so much love that I was addicted. Don't get me wrong I am not stupid I know of course that he does not love me and I know he runs a business in a holiday resort were no doubt every week he has an affair with another tourist and has probably been around the block more times than the rag and bone man but I was happy knowing that, I knew there was no future for us but I just wanted to enjoy the present moment and every moment with him is wonderful. He is the kind of man that lives with an open heart. He is so affectionate and caring and loving and even if he doesn't really care or love me has a wonderful way of making you feel that he does. He always holds my hand and kisses my cheek and he does little things like pushes my curls out of my eyes and always pours my drinks and holds my hand across the road. I know I am a bit long in the tooth to be swept away by such romance but after always being alone it is just so wonderful to be with a man that is not trying to be cool that is happy to love with an open heart and I realise now that I do want to have a relationship. I thought I was happy to be alone and would continue that way but being with Mr Nepal has made me realise that love is what is missing from my life and now I have found love for myself I feel ready to love someone else. So lock up your sons!!!!!!

Mr Nepal was off to Tamil Nadu which is the very south of India, where the 3 oceans meet each other. The Indian ocean, the bay of Bengal and the Arabian Sea with some of his staff to treat them to a couple of days sight seeing and visiting a very special Hindu Temple at Kallikamari, he asked me to go with them so I thought why not. We had a wonderful couple of days, his staff are also from Nepal and are all shy and sweet and the temples were magnificent and again we laughed and had such a wonderful time.

Mr Nepal is very persuasive and convinced me to cancel my ticket to Mumbai and accompany him and his business partner and 2 staff to Delhi so I again I thought why not. They were going to be travelling back to Nepal but were going to visit Delhi, some temples there and Agra to see the Taj Mahal. I had no real need to go to Mumbai I was just going to spend a couple of days there and then head further north anyway so I thought it would be nice to have someone to travel with instead of being on the train alone and to be honest I really did not want to say goodbye to him yet. I'm not saying I have fallen in love with him because I have not. But I have fallen in love with the romance of it all and it feels good and anyway he leaves India for Nepal in a week or so so I  just wanted to have one more week of feeling so alive and so loved before I went back to the single, celibate life I had been living.

So we left Varkala and started our journey to New Delhi. It has always been a dream of mine to travel on a train in India so I was so so excited. The five of us piled into our carriage and got our selves comfy. Mr Nepal and his business partner had a bottle of whiskey so they sipped at that and we watched the beautiful fields of corn and wheat and coconut palms pass by our window. We played cards and told jokes and tried all sorts of food that was served through the windows at the stations we passed through. I loved the train journey and I slept well which I didn't think I would what with being surrounded by lots of men watching my every move and I was so glad that I was travelling in male company because I would have hated to be on that train at night alone. There of course are no showers on the train so you have to make do with a bit of a splash and dash in the smelly toilet that smelt so bad that I had to put tissue in my nose every time I went in there.
All was going well with me and Mr Nepal up onto the last night on the train. We had a little disagreement about something and me being stubborn made a little mole hill into a mountain. I am really hard on men and I know it is something I have to work on. I rarely believe a word that they say and I wouldn't trust them to the shop and back and I realise now that poor old Mr Nepal was a victim of all my past let downs break ups and hurts. I wouldn't speak to him all night and when he tried to touch me I pushed his hand away and told him to piss off, not very nice to do on a train filled with Indian men looking on, but he took it well he just went off and sat on his own looking sad while I sat brooding and telling myself I was right like a stupid egotistical bratt.
I didn't speak to him all the next day either. I know now I was wrong and I know I was stubborn and childish but I was so adamant at the time that I was right and I wouldn't back down so when we arrived in Delhi I just walked off in the opposite direction and what should have been a wonderful exciting time was lonely and scary and I only had myself to blame.

The boys tried to help me with my back pack and they told me to come with them but I was having none of it. Mr Nepal just ignored me and I don't blame him. If he would have come to me and apologised or explained then I would have forgiven him and left the train with him but he didn't, he was being just as childish and stubborn as I was and I was not going to back down so I just walked out of the station into the unknown.
 I had no Idea where I was going and people were pushing me this way and that and there were beggars everywhere sat on the ground some drunk some without limbs all looking up at me with sorrow and pain in their eyes and there I was in the middle of all of that, hot tired sad and again I questioned why this had happened why had I followed a man I hardly knew to place that I didn't know and where would this lead and what would happen.

 I had been in this situation before and I had always survived and I would this time also.
I dried my dusty tears on the back of my hand and pulled my bag up on my back and put one dirty foot in front of the other dirty foot and headed into the hurricane in a dustbin that is Delhi.






















































































































































Towards the end of my week in Varkala Mr Nepal convinced me to cancel my trip to Mumbai and accompany him and hios business partner and so

Polish Angels & Releasing the hips

The one thing about travelling is you are always falling head over heels in love with people and then you have to say goodbye to them.
I missed all my dorm buddies when they left, not singing with them in Satsang and eyeing up the yoga teachers with them in class (I will fill you in about Randy Ramesh later) and chatting over our hot chai under the 'Tea Tree' as it was called in the garden.
But also I have noticed that just when you think that things will never be the same again and maybe it is your time to leave too then into your life walks someone else that  sweeps you off your feet.
Well in my case in walked two people in the form of Kaisha & Gosha the angels from Poland.
Kaisha and Gosha are twins, not identical but almost and they are both absolutely stunning and beautiful and sweet and kind and I adored them and was so glad there was two of them so there was more of them to spread around because everyone adored them too.
During my first week I saw them around in the ashram and we would say hi and smile when we met but it wasn't really until all my friends left that we really started talking. Kaisha and Gosha are only 24yrs old but my God are they smart ladies. They are bright and intelligent and deeply spiritual.
Their mom has travelled all over India and has stayed in all kinds of Ashrams for years. Upon arrival in Poland 4 years ago after another trip to India Kaisha and Gosha were enthralled by their Mothers talk of an Ashram she had visited and a Guru she had met, so much so that as Kaisha explained to me with tears in her eyes clutching my hands in hers, that she knew from that moment that she  had to go there, she had to meet this Guru, she felt it was her destiny and she was determined to do it. Kaisha's mother resisted at first she thought her seventeen year old daughters were far to young to be going off to India on spiritual quests and they should be enjoying their young lives not making extreme sacrifices in the name of God but the girls were determined and off they went. It was so wonderful listening to the girls talking about there Ashram and their love for their Guru, you could see the love in their beautiful blue eyes.
Kaisha helped me a lot with meditation. She helped me to sit straight and gave me some mantra's to try repeating to help to quiet my mind and she told me to focus on my heart chakra and to feel love. She had been meditating for four years and she told me honestly that it is hard and I had about three years of torture before I got it right. Bloody Nora I thought three years of wanting to scream and pull my hair out every time I sat crossed legged on the floor and tried to connect with God and my inner stillness and she said it so lightly and with a smile as if she was saying it's no problem Jacqueline it is only three years just stick with it you will get it in the end and then you are sorted for life and I think that is exactly what she meant.

Kaisha & Gosha always wore white floaty clothes for satsang and as they floated into the Shiva Hall at the beginning and end of everyday for prayer they looked like angels that had come down from heaven to shine light into the darkness. They had a very special energy about them that calmed people and made everyone feel warm and happy. I would watch the faces of the people around them and both men and woman would just stare at them captivated by their beauty but the real beauty that I will always remember was in every word that they said.
They were different in character and they had slight differences in appearance too. I could tell them apart no problem even from a distance even though they said people always got them confused. It was in their energy, they felt different, Kaisha felt strong, like an old soul that had lived many lives, very wise and confident, Gosha was more delicate, I felt she was eager to be independent that she wanted to run on her own to spread her own wings. They both had wavy thick sandy blond hair, they were both tall with long limbs (must be a Polish thing as the gorgeous Alla was blessed with a similar lush body) they were both tanned to a beautiful golden brown a colour I never go and they have the most beautiful big baby blue eyes. They have a more childlike cute beauty than a sexy beauty which I think is delightful. They really held themselves well, they had great posture after years of straight back meditation and yoga and they walked with their heads high and almost glided around the Ashram. I could just imagine them holding golden pails in their hands sprinkling shimmering golden  angel dust in every corner of darkness in every soul they passed.

Every Saturday night in the Ashram there would be a talent contest, dubbed 'The Freak Show' by Jamie from Leicester. A selection of ashramites would get up on the stage in the Shiva hall and sing or dance or read a poem and for the three Saturdays that I was there I laughed my arse off.
On the Saturday before the Polish Angels left the Ashram and left us all broken hearted they preformed a dance on the stage. It was great, they danced around in between the Hindu Deity's laughing and clapping and rolling there hips to the delight of the crowd who were all up on their feet dancing without a care in the world.
The girls were devastated when some Japanese girl confronted them the following morning accusing them of being too sexy and provocative, they were hurt and shocked and Kasha told me sincerely that no thoughts like that were going through her mind while she danced, no sexual attention was wanted they were just dancing like the huge golden deity of Shiva that adorned the stage.
She told me she felt so happy and full of love and she wanted to share that with the world and us in the ashram on that Saturday night at the Freak Show and I knew she meant it because that is the kind of wonderful sincere soul she is.I told  both Kaisha and Gosha not to worry too much about it that you can please some of the people some of the time but never all of the people all of the time which she giggled at but her beautiful blue eyes were sad. I had to really control myself that morning because I really felt like dragging that Japanese twat through the ashram by her 4ft pony tail and treating  her to an almighty kicking all the way back to Japan.

During one of mine and Kaisha's many deep and meaningful chats sat in the health hut at the top of the Ashram grounds the topic of my cast iron hips came into the conversation. I had commented on how long her and her sister would sit in the Shiva Hall meditating I would have crossed and uncrossed my legs more times than Kenny Everrett and they were still sat there statue still, straight backs and a look of pure peace radiating on their angelic faces. Again Koisha told me that it had taken her years to be able to meditate so deeply and years for her knees to finally touch the floor when her legs were crossed. Kaisha started to explain how allot of people hold allot of deep down sadness and pain between their hips that that is why so many people are stiff and cant relax because we are holding on to so many deep memories, bad memories and if we only let them out then we will be free of all of that pain and our bodies will release and basically my knees will fall gracefully to the floor and my hips will be as open as Jodie Marsh's on a Friday night or any night for that matter. Well I had heard that we carry allot of stress in our bodies but the whole deep rooted sadness in the hips was new to me.
That evening we we all invited to a ceremonial Puja to worship the Mother Goddess. We were all told that we cold wear our best clothes which for most of us was just a load of old scruffy back packing tat that we had bought from Goa or markets in Mumbai but  anyway we felt good it was a change from th normal schedule  and the hall was decorated with candles and incense and was so pretty. The Ashram director told us whilst chanting to ask the Mother Goddess to help us with whatever was troubling us or to bless our families or to guide us in the right direction I decided to ask the  Mother Goddess to please help me to unlock my hips. I prayed as i through the flowers and the red sandalwood powder at the base of the candles that what ever I was holding between my hips, whatever sadness I had stored there for so long would be released. I prayed that I could be free of it so I could move forward with my life and also with my yoga. If she didn't help me then I was going to the local garage 'Singh Fit' to get the bleeders prized open with a crow bar.
Its funny when they say be careful what you wish for because the next morning I woke up in agony. I was in so much pain that I went to the Satsang but had to crawl out after 10 minutes.  I crawled over to the gardens and lay on the ground under the trees.  I was clutching my stomach and rocking back and forward with tears dripping down into my lap. I was sobbing into the grass under the safety of my scarf and I was sad so very very sad. For some reason I knew there was nothing really wrong with me I knew I didn't need a doctor and I knew the stomach pain would go and I also knew that my sadness was nothing to do with the pain in my stomach. I just cried and cried I must have cried myself to sleep because when I woke up it was light and people were coming out of the Shiva Hall for morning Chai.
I went back to my room and sat on my bed and for hours so many memories came flooding back into my mind. Things I had forgotten, things I had spent days and nights drinking to forget but there they were as vivid and sharp as a blinding light that is switched on in the middle of the night.  I knew I couldn't drown myself in alcohol anymore and I knew I had just about travelled to every continent of the world and I knew there was no where else to go and no where else to hide because I had been to all the places and the sadness had always found me so i sat there and dissected it piece by piece and cried and prayed and by the time I woke again my room was in a silent darkness. I opened the door and stepped outside into a beautiful Keralan night and looked up at the sky full of stars and for the first time in my life I realised that it was not my fault.

I knew that I didn't have to poison myself anymore that I didn't have to hurt myself anymore because the evil was not inside me it never was. I realised I was Innocent and finally I felt that I could be somebodys friend somebody's  daughter somebodys sister somebodys Auntie without letting them down or hurting them.

Kaisha was right and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for helping me to let go of my past, for helping me to cut the ropes that were slowly strangling my soul and of course I thanked the Mother goddess. The female entity of God who answered my prayers.

I am not going to tell you that my knees can touch the floor when I cross my legs but there not too far away and my hips are relaxed an open. Sitting crossed legged now on the floor is comfortable but the real change that happened in me was not physical it was a change that happened deep down inside the essence of my soul. The change of emotions from anger and self pity and guilt and shame to acceptance and forgiveness and love. That is were all the real changes need to take place to really enable us to find peace and I do feel at peace I really do.
I feel like I have stepped out of the cold dark shadows into the warmth of the sun

Panchakarma & The Mass Exodus

After being at the Ashram for about a week I decided to sign up for the two week Panchakarma detox treatment.

This would mean of course that my two week stay would be turning into three weeks and three days but I was settled in the ashram and I had wanted to have panchakarma for some time and it was a really good price, 19,000 rupees which is about £280. Still that is a fair whack out of a back packers budget but I had spoken to a few people who had paid almost triple that in the resorts of Varkala and Kovalam.
I wouldn't have bothered with it if I had still been drinking but I had not touched a drop for nearly nine weeks and I thought the Panchakarma would be a great way to rid my body of toxins that had been inside me for months and would be a good incentive to carry on with my healthier lifestyle.
I was in the ashram after all and all my food and yoga was included so it made sense to have the treatment there.
Panchakarma is an ancient ayurvedic treatment that has been practised in India for centuries. It helps the body to eliminate toxins through vigorous oil massages, hot bundle treatment were dry herbs wrapped in muslin cloths are heated in oil and the body is pounded with them to create heat and unblock tension and Dharsa which is a treatment were ayurvedic oil is poured in a constant steady flow on to the forehead of the patient. Dharsa helps to calm the patient and helps with anxiety and insomnia and helps to balance the mind and open the third eye chakra. Then Nasar which is oil that is dripped in to both nostrils which helps to clear sinuses, ease headaches and calm anxiety. Also the more drastic side of the treatment includes purgation were a oily concoction is drank and a couple of hours later the world falls through the seat of your pants and then induced vomiting to eliminate toxin build up in the stomach and four days of oil enemas to thourally detox the whole colon of everything it has been holding onto for years.

The entire treatment is preformed over a two week period and fortunately not all parts of the treatment are done every day because I would imagine you would have a bottom like a chewed orange and due to my existing stomach hernia I was excluded from the induced vomiting.
The first ten days of the treatment are just really preparatory. Getting the body ready for the impending evacuation. Oily massages and kizhi hot bundles are done daily to loosen the toxins in the body, stimulate the lymph system which deals with the waste and toxins in the body and to make the insides and the outside of the body oily making it easier to shift everything along.
I would love to say I loved the treatment but I got a crippling heat rash during the first week of panchakarma and when your body is hot and itchy the last thing you want is an oily massage and two scolding hot oily bags pounded on your delicate body. I just kept telling myself that it would be all worth it when I walked out of Sivanada, slim, toned healthy and glowing with purity and serenity!!
The oil dripped through the nasal passage was agony. I had had a wonderful selection of substances inhaled up my nostrils over the years but the oil inhalation came right at the arse end of that list of enjoyment.
The Dharsa treatment were oil is poured from above onto the forehead was bliss it was so so relaxing and I felt like a wave of peace was passing over me and all my worries were being untangled from my mind and spirit. The only down side to that was for about four days I was walking around with hair smelling like George & Hellen's fish shop on a Friday night. I washed my hair twice after every treatment but it was so thick with oil that it would just not come out. For days I just scrapped it back and walked around the ashram looking like Olive off On The Buses with a swarm of flies buzzing around my head like I was a giant cow patt.
After about fifteen years of constipation I could not wait for the enemas to get started. The therapist Sini who had been doing the treatments for me everyday told me not to worry as she  forced me down butt naked onto the wooden table on my side while another lady spreads my legs in the recovery position, I was thinking will I ever recover from the shame. A pipe the length of a cobra was pushed up to my throat and 2 litres of Castor oil, Honey, herbs, salt and pepper were rudely forced into my intestines, all that was missing up there was pie and bloody chips. I imagined my poor intestine's  looking  like a rabbit in a headlight being faced with 2 litres of fluid at 100 miles and hour all rushing upwards in the wrong direction. I glanced over my right shoulder to see the serious expressions on sini's and her side kicks faces and Sini was holding a Tupperware bucket attached to the pipe that was attached to my bottom in the air shaking it like it was a tambourine making sure every last ounce was pushed in.
I have to admit it was worth all the shame I felt fantastic the next morning refreshed, lighter, energized and after 2 hours on the squat loo I was exahusted and I slept like a baby.
I don't know if Panchakarma is as amazing as what Dr Vishnu said it was, I mean it is relaxing and all that well the massage and oil being poured on the forehead part, but I suppose over the coming months I will know if for me it was a success and if my stomach and digestion is calmer and more regular then it was money well spent.

I had all sorts of problems with my digestion system over the years and too be honest I blame years of Bulimia during my teens and the wild partying years of my twenty's so it was all self inflicted and I felt I deserved it. I had had several stomach ulcers from all the excess acid that vomiting and alcohol had caused and a few years ago after collapsing in the street in Brighton with my poor Mother  looking on I was diagnosed with a stomach hernia. You would think that little lot would convert me to a healthier lifestyle but after a couple of weeks flat on my back in agony I was back on the gin and back dancing on the bars in Brighton.
Dr Vishnu assured me that Panchakarma would help to heal my offended digestion and sooth my partied out colon and calm my fraught mind. I also decided to leave the dorm and check into a twin room for the duration of the panchakarma treatment as Dr Vishnu said it could be quite an emotional experience and all sorts of emotions would arise and things I had kept bottled up inside would come flowing out of me like the water gushing out of the nearby Neyyar Dam.

I was sad saying goodbye to the girls in the dorm which was daft as I was only going to be staying a few feet away in one of the rooms under the dining room but we had had some great times. They all hugged me goodbye and said they would miss my antics, I used to run around with my mosquito net over my face pretending to be the fly which they all found highly amusing.
My beautiful friend Alla had already left surrounded by a haze of peace and beauty. She gave me the most delicate kiss on the cheek and asked me to stay in touch that she wanted to do a trip with me to the Himalayas in a few months. I was flabbergasted, I was so loud and buzzing around and she was just so lady like and elegant and peaceful and she wanted to go on a trip with me. I couldn't believe it, she said some lovely things to me that made the tears run down my cheeks and even though people will probably think 'oh look at that stunning girl how sweet she has bought her mother with her to the Himalayas' I will go on a trip with her. It's strange how opposites can fit together so well. Alla would just sit and giggle behind her elegant hand as I arsed around dancing around the dorm in my g-string under my mosquito net telling crude jokes and taking the mick out of the cock from Canada. I had no idea she liked me so much I thought I just embarrassed her but I just cant help being the clown it's just the way I have always been. I was sad when she left with her sweetness and her little bed looked sad too I mean who wouldn't miss that gorgeous goddess lying on top of them every night.
Alla was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen and I mean real beauty, physically and from within, not like the plastic beauty I see everyday in England, faces full of botox, boobs full of silicone, plastic nails and faces painted like drag queens, real natural beauty and sweetness and kindness.

My second friend to leave was the lovely porcelain skinned Amber from Canada but she was not a cock like the Karma yoga dude thank God. Amber was a Yoga teacher at home but the Yoga she had been taught was purely physical and she came to India to see if the spiritual side of yoga appealed to her. She said she felt like something was missing.
I don't want to go too much into Amber's private life but she had had a few unhappy years and lost some people who she loved very much and like myself and a lot of people I met in the ashram an inner sadness and a need to heal had brought her here.
Amber was a smart lady. I loved listening to her, she was younger than me but she really had her head on her shoulders and knew all about yoga and Ayurveda and the doshas, caphor pitta Vatta I think they are called. When she was explaining things she would talk with her hands and she had lovely boney fingers and lovely nails.
Amber ended up leaving two days before the end of the two week course which initially I thought was crazy and something I cold never do is quit anything early, but after talking to her and unsuccessfully trying to convince her to stay I realised that she was right and it was time for her to move on. She said she had enjoyed the Satsang but she was so exhausted and the yoga was very different to the yoga she taught at home and she felt we were asked to stand on hour heads for far longer than was neccessary and she was fed up to the back teeth of her Karma yoga duty up at the health hut were she felt un appreciated  and disrespected. She had had a complete melt down after a stressful shift and slammed her notebook down and told them 'I'm done' in true Canadian fashion and walked out.
Once Amber said she was leaving loads of the other girls left too, Nicole from Austria , was next who was a great girl. Her English was good,  well better than she gave herself credit for but she used to get words mixed up and come out with the funniest things like 'lets come to the dinner and eat some many vegetable missing tasty' she had us in complete hysterics all the time, Rahil from Switzerland left with Nicole, they headed to Varkala beach to lay in the sun and eat pizza and drink filter coffee. Rahil always looked stoned but never was and never went to any lectures or Satsangs and then the lovely and eccentric Josephine from Australia but lived in London left also. In a way I was glad I had left the dorm the week before the mass Exodus because I would have been so lonely with all of my best buddies gone.
Josephine was an interesting character. She was curvaceous and bubbly but in her eyes I could recognise a deep sadness. I don't know why but I knew it was linked to alcohol. I suppose I know the signs and I guess I had seen that same sadness in my own eyes in the mirror many times. We talked a lot in that first week and she said I reminded her of herself, that she was always the clown making people laugh but inside she was crying, lost in regret, shame and self loathing.
Eventually Josephine told me about her drinking, like me she did not need to drink everyday but when she did drink she could not stop. She told me about all the trouble she had gotten herself into over the years and I knew exactly how she felt. I really like Josephine she always said lovely things to everyone. Telling the girls how pretty they were and how nice their clothes were and I could see that she was always giving to others but really didn't receive much in return.
 Josephine left in the middle of the night, we woke up and she was gone, no one heard her leave but next to my bed she left me her email address and a bottle of aromatherapy oil i had commented on the day before as  she applied It to her thighs. She told me she was on a health kick and wanted to get slim and sexy to seduce some guy she was crazy about.  I thought fair play bird fill your boots. She told me she was going to 'Own the fukin room' which I thought was incredible, she said she came from a middle class background and didn't want to be middle class and fukin boring, ha ha ha.
 Josephine was a real woman and a real character and I really hoped she would stay sober and be happy oh and of course seduce her man.