Friday, 18 May 2012

Varanasi is Varanasi.....The Jewel of India



I found the Shanti Guest House in the Rough Guide.

It actually states and I quote..  'An old favourite'  well they were right about the old part but as for a favourite well I dread to think who's favourite it would be, somebody that had obviously never stayed in any other hotel anywhere else in the world. The receptionist was asleep on the ancient sofa in front of the reception desk with his feet up on an old table that was covered in dust and dirty cups.
I told him I had a reservation that I had made a week before for two people, air conditioning with two beds. He rubbed his eyes and scratched his worthless balls and grunted and coughed pulling himself up and dragging himself behind the desk. I went on to explain how I had pre-booked a twin room for me and my friend Betsy and she should already be there as her train arrived at 1pm and it was now 5.30pm.  More grunting ensued and he pushed the registration book in my direction and told me to check for her name.  Well there was no one by the name of Betsy in the book but knowing the efficiency of some of the Indian receptionists I had come across over the last 4 months maybe she was there but had not been asked to sign in.
I went on to tell him she was American and tall and pretty and she would have said that we had a reservation, etc etc but he shook his head gave his balls one more scratch for good luck and pushed the book back in my direction and told me to sign in.
I have no idea why the men of India never stop fiddling with themselves, they are forever scratching their balls or adjusting themselves and they do not care where they are or who is standing in front of them and they usually complete the exercise by ramming their grubby index finger up their nose.
Due to the fact that I knew how difficult this place was to find I kind of would have been surprised if Betsy had been there,  but just in case she showed up later I still asked for the twin room. The delightful dosser of a receptionist went on to tell me that there was no twin room available only a double with AC. So the fact that I had pre booked made no difference at all as I would not be getting what I booked. Exhausted and not wanting to argue I paid him for one night and made my way up the seven flights of steep stone steps to my room at the top of the building.
I have to be honest the room was lovely,  it was big by Indian hotel room standards with white tiled walls, clean white sheets and due to the AC it was cool and fresh, maybe I had judged the Shanti a little to quickly.
I had a much needed shower after a hot sweaty 20hr train journey and decided to take a quick peek of the River Ganges. The delightful dosser of a receptionist had said it was only 2 minutes to the river and there was so many people around, pilgrims, sadhus and locals and tourists that the streets were filled so I felt very safe.

The Shanti guest house is right next to Manikarnika Ghat which is one of the cremation ghats so the second I turned left out of the Shanti and walked down the urine smelling stone steps in the direction of the river I was bombarded by locals warning me not to take photos of the cremations and offering me guided tours of the ghats at "very special price for very special lady madame".
 It was then that I saw my first dead body. I was startled by the loud chanting and fast heavy footsteps coming up behind me and as I span around pushing myself up against the stone wall a procession of men dressed in white chanting loudly came thundering past. They were carrying a bamboo stretcher with a body wrapped in white cloth and tied together with red and gold ribbon. Everyone parted to allow the procession to pass and then once the men carrying the dead body had passed and headed down towards the river the crowd rejoined and carried on as if nothing had happened.  I stood there for a few moments digesting what I had just seen and I was surprised to feel how normal it all seemed. I mean if I had just popped out to the COOP at home in England to do a spot of shopping for tea and a group of men came rushing past carrying a dead body with them I would have ran screaming up the road and probably vomited in a bin but here in India nothing really shocks me anymore, it all feels so familiar and normal.
To be honest I shouldn't of ventured out. I was exhausted from my journey and a city like Varanasi is not really a place where you can go and have a nice quiet stroll without being harassed so I spun on my heel and headed back to the Shanti.
I headed up to the restaurant on the top floor and took some great pics of Varanasi from that great height. it was lovely to watch the sun saying goodnight to the city behind the buildings and see the monkeys jumping roof to roof carrying their little baby's safely tucked underneath them.

I decided to send Betsy an email to find out where she was, I was a bit worried and due to the fact she has no Indian mobile number we had had no contact. Anyway I had no need to worry because as I was sat there at the computer in walked Betsy informing me that she had been there all afternoon in a twin room with AC waiting for me. The delightful dosser on the front desk was such a useless piece of shit that he had conveniently forgotten all about the conversation he had had with Betsy when she arrived and had failed to remember any of it when I arrived so we were both in separate rooms and had both paid for 1 night.

To put it frankly Betsy tore a much deserved strip of the receptionist while I stood in silence with my mouth open. She informed him that she had a reservation and if he wanted us to recommend his hotel to others in any kind of valuable fashion that he cancel one of the rooms immediately and  reimburse us for the cost of the room we didn't need. After a few calls to the manager and some grunting and mumbled Hindi  Betsy demands were met, I'm not surprised really as she proved to be the kind of girl not to be trifled with when she has a bee in her bonnet.  She was quite right though he was a useless gob shite and if he hadn't of been sleeping on the job he may have had more of a clue what was going on.  But I really just don't wan to argue anymore with anyone, I just want to feel peace and I don't want the mistakes and craftiness of others to make me get upset anymore so I'm really trying to deal with every inconvenience as calmly as I can and stick to the rule that  How people treat me is their Karma, how I react is mine.  Anyway all was sorted out in the end and off to our room we went.
That first night we were both exhausted so we decided to have dinner in the Shanti restaurant and have an early night.
That is when I christened the hotel The Shitty Shanti.
 The table and chairs in the restaurant were both dirty and dusty and still had the remains of the last diners meal on it. The menu's were so old and so dirty that I did the typical western thing of turning the pages by the very corner with the tips of my thumb and index finger with all of the other fingers splayed out in a right snotty fashion. But really it was filthy and I am no snob, I will eat street food and in little cafes along the roads but there is no excuse for that dirt, but I was so exhausted that I was being a fussy twat and I knew it was time for bed.
As I looked around I could see the three male workers just sat on their arses, one was texting on a phone the other was picking his teeth and the other, yes you guessed it was scratching his balls. I don't understand why men only work in these restaurants because by what I have seen they are a bunch of bone idle bastards. I know my self when I managed a business in Cambodia the men were the laziest. I employed 4 girls and the place was spick and span.  I spoke with a friend of mine about it an Indian man who runs a restaurant in Kerala and he said that woman are not employed in bars and restaurants because they should not be out after dark and it is not right for them to be working alongside men that our not their husbands or relatives. But because of these traditions it means that all waiters, restaurant workers, cooks and cleaners are men and they are usually shite. The service is so poor and they cant clean like a woman can or they just cant be bothered to and I realise that you should never send a man to do a woman's job!!.
 Anyway the food was terrible,  probably the worst meal I had had in 4 months and the lassie was just a watery glass of milk. A glance into the kitchen made me shudder at the filth of the place and the 3 greasy looking dirty articles hanging around in there chewing mouth fulls of chewing tobacco.  The only thing the restaurant had going for it was the view of the city and it was now dark so it didn't even have that. So after winging and moaning about the food and service Betsy and myself decided to piss off to bed for an early night.

I arrived in Varanasi late on the Friday evening and left early Tuesday morning so really I only had 3 full days there but they were great days and I fell in love with the place.
From the first step I took out of the train station I knew Varanasi was going to be a wonderful experience for me and I was right. I was really glad that Betsy was there with me I know I would not have seen as much as I did because I would not have wandered around so many places and visited so many things alone. Yes it was very hot, most days according to Betsy's I-Phone reached 109 degrees but we were up early in the morning and then went back to our lovely AC room for a few hours in the heat of the afternoon and then back out in the evening for nice sunset strolls along the Ghats.

I think Varanasi is the kind of place you will either love or hate and most of the people I had talked to before I came here seemed to hate it.  It is intense and it is hot and it is full to bursting with Sadhu's, tourists, beggars, cows, dogs, muck and flies.
We wandered through the winding cobbled streets lost for days but we didn't mind it was wonderful just to be free, to be part of the daily life of Varanasi.
 Now when I say winding cobbled streets please don't misunderstand and picture the winding cobbled streets of Italy with the smell of rich coffee and expensive perfume and pretty terracotta pots filled with Jasmine and Geraniums.  I'm talking about winding cobbled streets filled with cow muck and urine both animals and humans and dust and litter and dogs covered in scabies and fleas and red chewing tobacco splattered up the ancient crumbling walls. I have to be honest Varanasi is one of the dirtiest places I have visited in India. Everyday I was taking 4 or 5 showers. The hem of my trousers was constantly covered in cow shit, my hair was filled with dust and the smoke from burning bodies and when I blew my nose the tissue was grey. There is no way on this earth I could have brought either my Mother or father to Varanasi they would have both hated it. They would have been on the first train out of there and I dread to think what my Father would have been shouting at the locals in the street. But if you can see past all of that dirt and dust and just accept Varanasi for being just Varanasi then like Betsy and myself you can love it too.

We booked ourselves on both a sunrise and sunset boat trip on the Ganga. I think for Betsy and myself they were probably the highlights of our time in Varanasi. It was so so beautiful to watch the sunrise over the sacred river and to see pilgrims washing and swimming in the river and sadhus washing their robes and children enjoying swimming lessons. Thousands of Indians travel from all over India and the world to bathe in the water at Varanasi and for us Westerners that seems so strange because the water is so dirty, filled with garbage and feces and floating bloated dead bodies. Sanjay our guide told us that pregnant woman, Sadhus, children under ten years old and anyone bit my a cobra are not cremated that they are thrown straight in to the river so everyday bodies would come rising to the surface of the river floating amongst all of the bathing pilgrims. I did not swim in the river at Varanasi, I dipped my hand in from the side of the boat but it really is miraculous that so much pollution is pumped into that river every day  and because Indian people believe with every ounce of their souls that the river is sacred and healing and purifying they do not get sick.
  Sanjay even drank straight from the river in front of us and told us he will not get sick because the river is his Mother and she will protect him and I'm sure it will and that is how powerful their faith is.
Sanjay also accompanied us on a stroll around the old town, showing us ancient temples tucked away down the secretive narrow alleyways.
 We visited the sacred well,  Manikarnika Kund, said to be dug by Vishnu at the time of creation, surrounded by bright folk art depicting the Goddess Manikarnika Devi. Sanjay was no professor of history but it was nice to see some interesting attractions without too much waffle.
There were about eight of us in our little group. Betsy and myself and then a small group of other westerners form our hotel. To be honest I wished it was just Betsy and myself as  I was so embarrassed the girls were half naked with tiny skimpy tops exposing their breasts and backs and short trousers showing their legs, all the local Indian people were staring at them and I really could not believe that they thought it appropriate to walk around the cremation area in front of funeral parties with bare flesh showing and to top it off they had all had a Bang lassie for breakfast so were all tripping their tits off which would have been quite funny but when visiting holy temples I really didn't feel it was appropriate, I mean there is a time and a place surly!

Our evening strolls along the Ghats were great. We would indulge in the very English tradition of tea and biscuits whilst sat watching the Indians jumping in and out of the water and laughing with glee. We were photographed a lot by fascinated locals and teenage boys but we were never really hassled to the point that we were upset. We had both been told that we would have endless hassle and followers but we had a great time and met so many great people and chatted with the locals and had photos taken with the Sadhus, it really was not half as bad as what people had made it out to be, really for me it was a complete joy.

The Ghats are the stone steps were people come to sit, pray, do yoga and meditate. There are 100 Ghats that line the river Ganges in Varanasi. The great riverbanks are built high with eighteenth and nineteenth century Palace, temples, pavilions and terraces. The buildings are beautiful though crumbling and in various states of disrepair but the crumbling walls and peeling paint just adds to the unique character of the place and from a evening boat cruise in the burnt orange glow of the setting sun it truly looks incredibly beautiful.
Walking along the ghats is really wonderful. The Ghats is where all the action is, The Ghats is where it's at! That is where to head to to see the Puja's and ceremonies and Brahman priests and pilgrims, it is just a wonderful place to sit and people watch. If you can handle the heat you could literally spend all day there.

There was one man that followed us one day through the winding alleyways of Godaulia, I looked back to see him trailing behind Betsy and I could see from his eyes that he was completely out of his mind on some drug or another. He followed us for a while offering us a free massage, "very good rub madame, very good massage, free all body, free madame for you today" well it was a very tempting offer but I think I will wait until I have passed from this life and be reincarnated as a dog before I will take him up on it. Betsy didn't turn to look at him once she was just marching forward with her head held high, but I was laughing I thought it was so funny that he really thought we would be up for a free rub. He then went on to tell us that for free he would fuck our white backsides and again it was a  very tempting offer but we both declined, anyway with that last offer and our decline he pissed off round the corner and that was the last we saw of that skinny bag of crap!

Another highlight of the trip was our daily visits to The Blue Lassie. Betsy had found the recommendation in The Lonely Planet so we wandered through the morning streets to find it. Believe me if you go to Varanasi you have to go to The Blue Lassie. It is quite the attraction, we saw the same faces day after day, morning noon and night sat amongst the coolness of the blue walls on comfy seats sipping delicious creamy lassies.
It is a family business and the owner is a sweet old man with twinkly cheeky eyes and my God can he knock up a good Lassie. My favourite was coconut and mango which is served in a terracotta pot and sprinkled with chopped nuts. The owners son on the other hand was a slitty eyed little pervert that shook my hand every morning very hard whilst watching my boobs wobble. Me and Betsy would be nudging each other and pointing out his slimy conduct how he would lean into various Lassie sipping western girls and put his hands on their thighs whilst pretending to show them something on his phone. It's a great shame that all that old mans hard work and the incredible business he has built will be handed over to his pervert of a son one day who is so obviously high on drugs all day everyday and taking full advantage of the fact that there are western girls there in his shop that he can feel up when he feels like it, but apart from that I would highly recommend you try it just prepare yourself for the hand shake of a lifetime.

On the last day in Varanasi I got sick. To be honest I hadn't slept well apart from the night of my arrival so I was exhausted. I am really not a very good sleeper. I find it so hard to get off to sleep with  the constant chatter that goes on in my head and any little noise or light will wake me up and then I cant get back to sleep for hours, its a pain in the arse.
 I started to get really bad cramps in my stomach throughout the day but I didn't want to waste a day by staying in bed and it would not have been fair on Betsy but as the day went on they got worse.  The cramps got really bad about 8pm just as I had fell into bed finally looking forward to a good nights sleep and then just got worse and worse as the night went on. I was rolling around on the bed crying and praying and wondering how the hell I was going to manage a 20hr train journey in the morning. I was in and out of the bathroom, crying on the floor and pressing my face against the walls to try and cool down but it just got worse. Betsy on the other hand is a sleep goddess, she sleeps well every night much to my great envy and she even slept all the way through my rolling around in agony. I was in and out of the bathroom, throwing up, pooing like a new born baby and she would just roll over part her pretty eyelids and then close them again and go back to sleep. I could have never have slept through that racket I would have been awake all night. Anyhow about 3am the pains started to ease off and I think I fell asleep about 4am.


So all in all I had a wonderful time in Varanasi. It was great to have a companion for the trip, Betsy and myself had a great time together and I'm so glad she loved it as much as me. There is nothing worse than loving a place and the person you are with hates it with a passion and does nothing but complain, but no we were really happy, had great food, saw great things an enjoyed some really nice girlie chats and got along really well.
In the morning Betsy headed off for Calcutta and I jumped on the train pain free thank God back to Rishikesh Uttarakhand.

Every square inch of Varanasi is filled with the colour of bright sari's, the noise of excited children and chanting and prayer and even though it is chaotic and blistering hot there is a deep underlying feeling of peace. I think you will either feel that peace deep in your soul or you will not, there is no in between with Varanasi it is what it is, it will not apologise for what it is or how it shocks you.
 For many I know they just see the dirt, the dust, the chaos and stress of it all the close proximity of death and the fear that evokes, but for me I really felt the peace,  the  unconditional love of the place, the power that the pilgrims have in their complete devotion and belief in the sacred water of Mother Ganges.
My eyes saw all the chaos and dirt but my heart only felt the love and the great spiritual energy that flows down every dusty alleyway and is in every drop of the sacred water and encased in every stone of every Ghat.
And  as a man said to us on our last day whilst we sat sipping chai on a dusty stone wall,

'There is no where like it in India or the world, it is what it is,  has been forever and will be for eternity, Varanasi is Varanasi'
















Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Sivananda Yoga Rishikesh and plans to see Varanasi


Well I have been in wonderful Rishikesh for a month and I love it.

I really could settle here forever and  if I hadn't had a nod from God to get my arse back to Brighton I probably would.

Rishikesh has become like a home for me. I know I could have seen so much of India in the last month, I could have gone to Rajasthan as planned or the Punjab to see the Golden Temple but I feel so settled here and I feel at peace.
I remember before leaving England I was so stressed and unhappy and dealing with the same old family problems and I remember praying to God for Peace.  I just asked for a place where I could really feel peace and here I have found that.
 I am walking around with  a total sense of gratitude because my life is so peaceful. I don't argue with anyone because nobody wants to argue, I am left alone to do what I want, no one questions me or dictates to me and I realise that even though I love my family very much certain relationships are not good for me, all they bring me is hurt and stress. I really don't know what to do about that because your family is your family and I love them unconditionally but if being around certain members of that family causes you constant pain then what do you do?
 I have tried over and over again to make things work but it always ends up the same, but we shall see maybe things can evolve and change or maybe it will always be the same and I will learn to except that,  but just stay away from it.

So tomorrow I am off to Varanasi, also known as Banaras. I am so looking forward to visiting the city of Varanasi. It is one of the oldest City's in the world maintaining it's religious life since the sixth century BC. I know it will be intense, everyone I have told that I'm going has kind of pulled back and whistled smiling with a "wow prepare yourself for the onslaught" kind of look. I know it will be scorching, I have chosen the hottest time of year to visit it but I didn't come to India expecting it to be cold so I am prepared to sweat my tits off. Also I know it is the busiest time also to visit because the Indian holidays start on the exact day I leave Rishikesh for my 19hr train journey,  but for some reason all of those what could be seen as unfortunate aspects of my trip and timing have occurred together so I am just going to go with it and accept that for some reason this is the time I am supposed to be there.
Varanasi was always top of my list for places to see in India.  It is known as The City of Light and was founded by Shiva. It stretches along the river Ganges and is visited daily by thousands of Hindu pilgrims that come to bathe in the water there.
Buddha also visited Varanasi and Mahavira the founder of the Jain faith and the great Hindu reformer Shankara so visiting there for me really is such a gift

I will be staying close to the river Ganges, close to one of the burning Ghats. The Ghats are the stone steps were people come to sit and meditate and prey and do yoga and of course to bathe.  I will not be joining the bathers in the water there as I have been warned that  more than likely I will see dead donkeys and dead human corpses floating past covered in poo and the thought of having a dead body banging up against me mid breast stroke is more than I can handle. Anyway I have swam here in Rishikesh were the water is fresh on it's journey south coming straight from the Himalaya's.
I could only get a one way ticket to Varanasi so I have no idea how I will get back or when,  so I have paid for my room here in Rishikesh up until the 27th May so there is no rush. Again I believe there is a reason I cant get a return ticket and when I get there that will be revealed to me.
Hindu's believe that if you die in Varanasi you obtain instant enlightenment so may elderly people and widows come to Varanasi to live out there final days and then go straight to God gaining instant enlightenment and removing themselves from the continual pain of re-birth and death. I bloody hope that is not why I haven't been able to buy a train ticket back to Rishikesh.  Maybe God thinks that old spinster has done enough damage get her up here quick the old trout before she does anymore!!!

I am still doing my yoga every  day and I love it. I am going to the Sivananda ashram everyday. The yoga teacher is a bit strange but I know the sequence after being at Sivananda in Kerala and I really like Sivananda yoga. Also it is an all female class which means that there are  no pervy men at the back of the class gawping at your crotch from that very attractive position whilst you bend over touching your toes.

Now when I say the teacher is a bit strange I would like to add that I initially thought that but I have actually grown to like her over the last few lessons and I feel a bit nasty for judging her so harshly.
She is Japanese and is actually a Swami  (Priest)  and has been there for years. Her head is shaved smooth like a pomegranate and she wears the pinkie orange cloth of a member of the religious order.
 My first class to be honest I could have walked out of because I couldn't hear a bloody word. Two other woman did in fact walk out half way through but feeling that would be incredibly rude I just stayed. The thing is she mumbles, she talks so incredibly quietly and of course she is speaking English with a Japanese accent so with all of those things working together it is very hard to understand a pissin word.
 I did put my hand behind my ear and mouthe to her twice that I could not hear her but I may as well have told the man in the bloody moon because her face stayed as miserable as before not a glimmer of recognition crossed her serious hard features and she just carried on mumbling away at the same volume.
I could see the blank expressions on other woman's faces as they struggled also to understand what the hell she was telling us to do so in the end we just gave up and watched the woman that had obviously been going for some time.
At one point I was lying on my back with my legs over my head and she was telling us to do something and because my knees were either side of my head covering my ears I had no idea at all what she was saying and then I heard these fast footsteps filled with anger heading in my direction and I had visions of a crazed Japanese woman in flowing robes running towards me with a samurai sword ready to cut me from arse hole to cake hole because I was in the wrong position. She yanked my hands from behind my head and pushed them up between my legs in a very humbling position that I had never seen before and believe me in my very colourful life and various orgy's I would have thought I had seen the lot.
I found it so strange that someone so quiet and peaceful could be so angry and forceful when she was adjusting someone in the middle of an Asana (yoga position).
Then when I was in a headstand again I heard the fast angry feet heading in my direction and I started to tremble and sway with fear, what the fuck is she going to do to me when I am stood on my bloody head I thought. "Relax, Relax" she bellowed into my thighs whilst prodding them with her long bony finger. How the bloody hell can you relax when some crazed frustrated Jap is prodding you in the thigh when you are standing on your head.
 I decided to myself that she had been in that Ashram for far to long and she was well over due for a good shag!!!!

Anyway I kept going back because for some unknown reason I wanted to and as the days passed I grew to like her. Some days there would be children in our class and that was the first time I saw her smile and it was a beautiful smile that lifted all the harshness and smoothed out all the creases and made her eyes twinkle. I then felt really bad for judging her and I thought how incredible it was that a woman had given up her desires for a family & children when obviously she loved children,  for her love for God. A life of renunciation I could imagine is not easy and I gained a real respect for her and admiration.
 I had promised I would be celibate for my time in India and only 3 months in I was tripping the light fandango with a boy toy from Nepal.
After one class I was leaving and walking down the stairs and she came up to me and asked me where I was from, she then went on to tell me to consider trainning to be a yoga teacher which I was shocked at. She had never told me I was good at anything or given me any encouragement,  she had just continued barking at me and yanking me and prodding me into positions class after class. I could have cried with emotion when I looked into her eyes they were filled with peace and serenity and I realised that how she worked was completely ignoring the ego, she was not trying to make you feel good or tell you you were great she was there to teach you yoga and to leave your ego at the door and I was glad I realised that and that I understood her.
As for training to be a yoga teacher, who knows, my life is always full of surprises and yoga is defiantly something I love to do and India would be a great place to train so maybe.
 I leave India in July but will return after a few months so maybe then I will do the teacher training course maybe at Sivananda in Kerala.

I know for sure that seeds are planted to make trees grow and I could see in the deep brown pools of that Japanese Swami's eyes that  there was great wisdom and I'm also sure her words although few and almost silent were completely sincere and she had planted that seed for a very good reason.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Recovery Week & Plans to Settle

Well It's been a week since my encounter with Bhang and I have to say it almost took all week to recover.

 How I used to party party all weekend and half way into the week not sleeping for days, not eating anything but narcotics and drinking Jack Daniels I will never know.
The first few days of this week I could not even get out of bed. I had a stinking cold and sneezed and snotted all over the place and I was so tired that I just lay in bed like a wet rag, sweating out all the toxins from drinking warm Indian beer, smoking joints and ingesting the essential oil of the marijuana plant.
To be honest my little dabble was nothing compared with days of old. I had about 2 beers and shared 2 joints between 5 people and a few sips of the oil concoction so I am hardly in Pete Dohety's league but it is amazing when your system is pure and clean how the smallest dip of the toe in the dark swamp of intoxicants can lead to the whole body, mind and soul being drained of all goodness.

Fortunately I didn't suffer with any emotional come down that usually accompanies a session and that is the worst part as any party princess will tell you. The physical disturbance to the body you can deal with, just bunk off work and stay in bed and eat mashed potato after a few days of starvation but the mental come down is torture. So it was nice to just feel tired but for my brain to be in a good place. It made me realise though that I could never go back down that road again.  I never want to be so high that I have flown through the clouds because I know only to well that the trip down into the pits of hell has to follow and my mind just can't do it anymore for sure I would end up locked up in a mental asylum eating my own poo and talking to the wall like Shirley Valentine.

After 2 days of sweating like Dawn French in a cake shop and  eating the only thing I had in my cupboards, dry rice cakes I dragged my sticky body out of my pit, throw myself into the shower and went for an evening walk. It was good to feel the fresh air again and the Ganges is so beautiful and peaceful that it makes everything feel OK.
 I love watching the old Sadhus sitting along the banks with their dirty dreadlocks piled high on their heads with their red eyes watching the water on its journey south. It's nice to think that what ever happens, what ever we do the river just keeps on flowing, nothing no matter how bad or how impure will stop it's flow it's constant flow south washing away our sins and bringing us peace.

I have spent a lot of time whilst in Rishikesh in the Internet shop by Ramjhula bridge. The family there are so lovely and they make me Ayurvedic tea and sometimes invite me for dinner which is lovely.
Bhuwan helped me find my room and he said if I need anything just to ask which is so kind. He is a lovely man and I'm grateful for his friendship. We sit and talk for hours sometimes and when I look at the clock I realise I have been there 4 maybe 5 hours but its great, he sits playing his Sitar as we talk about life and religion and relationships and it's nice to have a friend that I can talk to about my niece and nephew and how much I love them and miss them.
 I love the fact that I don't need to be anywhere or do anything, that is the most wonderful thing about this journey I am on,  I'm free to do what I want and I know how amazing that is and how blessed I am. My life in England was so hectic my job dictated my every waking moment and dominated most of my sleeping moments too and endless fights with my sister and problems at home left me exhausted and heartbroken and I thank God for the peace I now feel in my life.

I decided to book myself on a course of meditation, Vipassana. Believe me it is not a decision I taken lightly, I am completely aware that it will be the hardest thing I have ever put myself through but I know I need it. I see it as an enema for the brain. A way of getting all of the stored up shit out of my mind, heart and soul.

Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. Long lost to humanity it was rediscovered by Buddha over 2500 years ago. The word Vipassana means 'clarity in sight' or seeing things as they really are. It is the self process of self purification by self observation a bloody mouthful I know
I really feel that after purifying my body, well I had a little bhang hiccup but I'm definitely purer than ever before I feel I now need to purify my mind and soul and I really think Vipassana will help me to do that.
I want to learn how to control my mind, to learn self discipline and meditating crossed legged on the floor in silence for 10 days I'm sure will help me to do that.
I know there will be times when I will want to jump up and run out of there screaming at the top of my lungs but I will not quit, well I think and hope I will not quit, only time will tell.
The Vipassana meditation aim is to gain full enlightenment and total liberation and that sounds good to me but if I can complete the course and feel like I have dealt with my past and feel in a position to move forward in peace I will be happy. Also I want to be able to have one or two glasses of wine without getting out of my face like I have been doing for the last few years. So if I can learn the self discipline and self control to be able to do that I will be one happy camper!

I know I am not an alcoholic even though AA tried to convince me that I was. To be honest I have the highest respect for AA they save lives and they give people support and love and that is incredible. But for me I feel like if you tell yourself everyday over and over "Hello my name is John  I'm an alcoholic" then you bloody will be. I believe that anything is possible, that you can be or do anything you just have to believe it. The mind is incredibly powerful and affirmations are incredibly powerful and there is no pissing way I am telling myself everyday  I'm an alcoholic because I don't want to bloody be one so I stopped going.
I was drinking a lot because I was so bloody unhappy and like thousands of people in the world for a few hours or so it gave some release from the pain but of course it is all there when you sober up just worse because it is covered in darkness and guilt and shame. I know I am a binge drinker but then again I'm a binge everything. If I drink I want to get plastered, if I get high I want to meet Amy Whinehouse up there,  if I eat I eat until I'm ready to explode and if i have sex I want a multiple orgasm, it is just the way I am I do everything to the excess.
 I have identified the signs though I know when I am heading for a bender and I know what and who to avoid now. It is not easy but I know why I do it and I feel liberated that I am aware of the problem and  I asked for help and I am heading in the right direction.  I have had to loose some people from my life over the last year because friendship with them was destructive and they only accelerated my drinking. Now I have only been drunk perhaps once in 4 months and that was not paralytic drunk, I remember going to bed, well of course I do it was with a fit Nepalese toyboy. On a few occasions I have had a beer but been happy to walk home and not have anymore.

I don't want to be T Total I want to be able to have a glass of wine with my Momsie over dinner or with friends to relax and have a giggle.  I just don't want to have that burning desire to get wasted. The thing is I love oblivion, when I have 2 drinks I feel frustrated because I want oblivion and I don't know why or what that means but I am determined to beat it so I'm sure I will. At the moment I have no desire to drink, the warm beers I had last week were awful so I am in no rush to indulge anytime soon and smoking joints holds no attraction either, I hate smoking I have never smoked cigarettes I hate the taste of tobacco on my lips and the smell of it in my hair and on my clothes and every time I smoke I just cant wait to feel normal again and pure. And the next day my chest aches and I cant run without my lungs aching so smoking is just not for me.

I remember some man in England making a comment about Amy Whinehouse and her husband a few years ago, he said people that drink that much and get that high are scared of life and I agree with him. If you are happy in life why would you need to escape it into oblivion? so what I am doing is not seeing alcohol as the problem because I am aware that in every moment I have a choice, that I am responsible for everything that happens to me in my life and alcohol is not some big scary demon waiting to get me.  I have a choice whether to have the 4th drink or to say no that is enough I'm tipsy and happy and I will have a coffee now because I don't want the evening to go tits up like it has so many times in the past.

India has been a perfect place to come and detox the mind. For me I have learned more about myself in the last 4 months than ever before and I see a lifestyle that I want for myself. I know I want yoga to be a part of my daily life and alcohol to be a once in a while treat for good behaviour.
 It has been wonderful to wake every morning happy and at peace and I want to continue with that when I go back to England.  When I do go back I will not go back to Birmingham, for me that life there is over, I will never live there again. I will of course visit my family but I know living there is destructive for me and it makes me unhappy. I will go back to Brighton by the sea.

Brighton is the most wonderful place. I remember the first time I was sent there with work, I got off the train and saw the sea at the bottom of the hill and couldn't wait to put my suitcase into the hotel and go down to touch the water. I had just come back from living in California and I hated being back in England and was really planning to piss off out of there as soon as possible but then as if by magic a new life unfolded.
 I telephoned my Mom right there by the sea and put the phone next to the sea so she could here it splashing against the pebbles and I told her I was leaving Birmingham, she was of course used to me coming and going I have been flying off around the world since I was 19 so she just laughed and said OK, at this point I had only been back in Birmingham for about 5 months. Within a month I was there, living just a stone throw from that very spot and I was so so happy. I went to the Brighton Market on that 1st Sunday and I decorated my little bedsit by the sea with Indian cushions and made curtains from saris and bought a beautiful old mirror and chair and it was home and I felt settled and safe.
The first friend I had in Brighton was Dharanhi, he is the best friend that anyone could have.  He used to have a little spiritual shop in the lanes and I would go there and sit with him and we would talk and I loved the shop it had such a good energy, incense would be burning and spiritual Cd's playing and it was wonderful to be surrounded by crystals and pretty things from India.
It was Dharannhi that first planted the seed of India in my heart. I had always wanted to go to India but Dharanhi's love for the country and its culture and religion really made me determined to go. I went along with Dharannhi to his Temple a few times and met all of his friends and they were all  so happy and peaceful and I felt part of a family when I was with them. That was my first insight into Krishna Consciousness,  I had seen Krishna devotees banging their tambourines and drums through the city streets but had always made a b-line for the closest shop to escape the madness,  embarrassed but getting to know these people made me see how full of happiness and love they all were. One night I was at the temple and it was a big celebration and we were all dancing around and I was laughing at the top of my voice and banging a tambourine on my thigh and walking home along the sea later I was so filled with joy and I realised that that was the happiest and the freest I had felt in years and I was sober,  I was dancing and singing and jumping around sober and it felt good.
For me Brighton is the only place I would live in England and for the first time in my life I think I am almost ready to settle.

So Dharanhi from my heart I owe you the most amount of gratitude for being my friend, for helping me to settle into a town I didn't know and for helping me to make friends with such good people and for planting the seed of India in my heart and most of all for introducing me to Lord Krishna, who makes me smile with the mention of his name and has brought me so much peace and happiness.

I am not sure when I will return but I know I will have very special friends in Brighton, Dharanhi and his beautiful family his wife Katie and beautiful son and Jennifer and Chris and I know as always I will be welcome at the Temple and I really cant wait to be part of it properly and not just float in and out like I did before. This time I know I am ready and as my special friend Chris always tells me "Jacqueline to get to where you need to be you need good friends, spiritual friends that can carry you" and I know I have that in my life and for that I am so grateful 
 

Hare Krishna