Well It's been a week since my encounter with Bhang and I have to say it almost took all week to recover.
How I used to party party all weekend and half way into the week not sleeping for days, not eating anything but narcotics and drinking Jack Daniels I will never know.
The first few days of this week I could not even get out of bed. I had a stinking cold and sneezed and snotted all over the place and I was so tired that I just lay in bed like a wet rag, sweating out all the toxins from drinking warm Indian beer, smoking joints and ingesting the essential oil of the marijuana plant.
To be honest my little dabble was nothing compared with days of old. I had about 2 beers and shared 2 joints between 5 people and a few sips of the oil concoction so I am hardly in Pete Dohety's league but it is amazing when your system is pure and clean how the smallest dip of the toe in the dark swamp of intoxicants can lead to the whole body, mind and soul being drained of all goodness.
Fortunately I didn't suffer with any emotional come down that usually accompanies a session and that is the worst part as any party princess will tell you. The physical disturbance to the body you can deal with, just bunk off work and stay in bed and eat mashed potato after a few days of starvation but the mental come down is torture. So it was nice to just feel tired but for my brain to be in a good place. It made me realise though that I could never go back down that road again. I never want to be so high that I have flown through the clouds because I know only to well that the trip down into the pits of hell has to follow and my mind just can't do it anymore for sure I would end up locked up in a mental asylum eating my own poo and talking to the wall like Shirley Valentine.
After 2 days of sweating like Dawn French in a cake shop and eating the only thing I had in my cupboards, dry rice cakes I dragged my sticky body out of my pit, throw myself into the shower and went for an evening walk. It was good to feel the fresh air again and the Ganges is so beautiful and peaceful that it makes everything feel OK.
I love watching the old Sadhus sitting along the banks with their dirty dreadlocks piled high on their heads with their red eyes watching the water on its journey south. It's nice to think that what ever happens, what ever we do the river just keeps on flowing, nothing no matter how bad or how impure will stop it's flow it's constant flow south washing away our sins and bringing us peace.
I have spent a lot of time whilst in Rishikesh in the Internet shop by Ramjhula bridge. The family there are so lovely and they make me Ayurvedic tea and sometimes invite me for dinner which is lovely.
Bhuwan helped me find my room and he said if I need anything just to ask which is so kind. He is a lovely man and I'm grateful for his friendship. We sit and talk for hours sometimes and when I look at the clock I realise I have been there 4 maybe 5 hours but its great, he sits playing his Sitar as we talk about life and religion and relationships and it's nice to have a friend that I can talk to about my niece and nephew and how much I love them and miss them.
I love the fact that I don't need to be anywhere or do anything, that is the most wonderful thing about this journey I am on, I'm free to do what I want and I know how amazing that is and how blessed I am. My life in England was so hectic my job dictated my every waking moment and dominated most of my sleeping moments too and endless fights with my sister and problems at home left me exhausted and heartbroken and I thank God for the peace I now feel in my life.
I decided to book myself on a course of meditation, Vipassana. Believe me it is not a decision I taken lightly, I am completely aware that it will be the hardest thing I have ever put myself through but I know I need it. I see it as an enema for the brain. A way of getting all of the stored up shit out of my mind, heart and soul.
Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. Long lost to humanity it was rediscovered by Buddha over 2500 years ago. The word Vipassana means 'clarity in sight' or seeing things as they really are. It is the self process of self purification by self observation a bloody mouthful I know
I really feel that after purifying my body, well I had a little bhang hiccup but I'm definitely purer than ever before I feel I now need to purify my mind and soul and I really think Vipassana will help me to do that.
I want to learn how to control my mind, to learn self discipline and meditating crossed legged on the floor in silence for 10 days I'm sure will help me to do that.
I know there will be times when I will want to jump up and run out of there screaming at the top of my lungs but I will not quit, well I think and hope I will not quit, only time will tell.
The Vipassana meditation aim is to gain full enlightenment and total liberation and that sounds good to me but if I can complete the course and feel like I have dealt with my past and feel in a position to move forward in peace I will be happy. Also I want to be able to have one or two glasses of wine without getting out of my face like I have been doing for the last few years. So if I can learn the self discipline and self control to be able to do that I will be one happy camper!
I know I am not an alcoholic even though AA tried to convince me that I was. To be honest I have the highest respect for AA they save lives and they give people support and love and that is incredible. But for me I feel like if you tell yourself everyday over and over "Hello my name is John I'm an alcoholic" then you bloody will be. I believe that anything is possible, that you can be or do anything you just have to believe it. The mind is incredibly powerful and affirmations are incredibly powerful and there is no pissing way I am telling myself everyday I'm an alcoholic because I don't want to bloody be one so I stopped going.
I was drinking a lot because I was so bloody unhappy and like thousands of people in the world for a few hours or so it gave some release from the pain but of course it is all there when you sober up just worse because it is covered in darkness and guilt and shame. I know I am a binge drinker but then again I'm a binge everything. If I drink I want to get plastered, if I get high I want to meet Amy Whinehouse up there, if I eat I eat until I'm ready to explode and if i have sex I want a multiple orgasm, it is just the way I am I do everything to the excess.
I have identified the signs though I know when I am heading for a bender and I know what and who to avoid now. It is not easy but I know why I do it and I feel liberated that I am aware of the problem and I asked for help and I am heading in the right direction. I have had to loose some people from my life over the last year because friendship with them was destructive and they only accelerated my drinking. Now I have only been drunk perhaps once in 4 months and that was not paralytic drunk, I remember going to bed, well of course I do it was with a fit Nepalese toyboy. On a few occasions I have had a beer but been happy to walk home and not have anymore.
I don't want to be T Total I want to be able to have a glass of wine with my Momsie over dinner or with friends to relax and have a giggle. I just don't want to have that burning desire to get wasted. The thing is I love oblivion, when I have 2 drinks I feel frustrated because I want oblivion and I don't know why or what that means but I am determined to beat it so I'm sure I will. At the moment I have no desire to drink, the warm beers I had last week were awful so I am in no rush to indulge anytime soon and smoking joints holds no attraction either, I hate smoking I have never smoked cigarettes I hate the taste of tobacco on my lips and the smell of it in my hair and on my clothes and every time I smoke I just cant wait to feel normal again and pure. And the next day my chest aches and I cant run without my lungs aching so smoking is just not for me.
I remember some man in England making a comment about Amy Whinehouse and her husband a few years ago, he said people that drink that much and get that high are scared of life and I agree with him. If you are happy in life why would you need to escape it into oblivion? so what I am doing is not seeing alcohol as the problem because I am aware that in every moment I have a choice, that I am responsible for everything that happens to me in my life and alcohol is not some big scary demon waiting to get me. I have a choice whether to have the 4th drink or to say no that is enough I'm tipsy and happy and I will have a coffee now because I don't want the evening to go tits up like it has so many times in the past.
India has been a perfect place to come and detox the mind. For me I have learned more about myself in the last 4 months than ever before and I see a lifestyle that I want for myself. I know I want yoga to be a part of my daily life and alcohol to be a once in a while treat for good behaviour.
It has been wonderful to wake every morning happy and at peace and I want to continue with that when I go back to England. When I do go back I will not go back to Birmingham, for me that life there is over, I will never live there again. I will of course visit my family but I know living there is destructive for me and it makes me unhappy. I will go back to Brighton by the sea.
Brighton is the most wonderful place. I remember the first time I was sent there with work, I got off the train and saw the sea at the bottom of the hill and couldn't wait to put my suitcase into the hotel and go down to touch the water. I had just come back from living in California and I hated being back in England and was really planning to piss off out of there as soon as possible but then as if by magic a new life unfolded.
I telephoned my Mom right there by the sea and put the phone next to the sea so she could here it splashing against the pebbles and I told her I was leaving Birmingham, she was of course used to me coming and going I have been flying off around the world since I was 19 so she just laughed and said OK, at this point I had only been back in Birmingham for about 5 months. Within a month I was there, living just a stone throw from that very spot and I was so so happy. I went to the Brighton Market on that 1st Sunday and I decorated my little bedsit by the sea with Indian cushions and made curtains from saris and bought a beautiful old mirror and chair and it was home and I felt settled and safe.
The first friend I had in Brighton was Dharanhi, he is the best friend that anyone could have. He used to have a little spiritual shop in the lanes and I would go there and sit with him and we would talk and I loved the shop it had such a good energy, incense would be burning and spiritual Cd's playing and it was wonderful to be surrounded by crystals and pretty things from India.
It was Dharannhi that first planted the seed of India in my heart. I had always wanted to go to India but Dharanhi's love for the country and its culture and religion really made me determined to go. I went along with Dharannhi to his Temple a few times and met all of his friends and they were all so happy and peaceful and I felt part of a family when I was with them. That was my first insight into Krishna Consciousness, I had seen Krishna devotees banging their tambourines and drums through the city streets but had always made a b-line for the closest shop to escape the madness, embarrassed but getting to know these people made me see how full of happiness and love they all were. One night I was at the temple and it was a big celebration and we were all dancing around and I was laughing at the top of my voice and banging a tambourine on my thigh and walking home along the sea later I was so filled with joy and I realised that that was the happiest and the freest I had felt in years and I was sober, I was dancing and singing and jumping around sober and it felt good.
For me Brighton is the only place I would live in England and for the first time in my life I think I am almost ready to settle.
So Dharanhi from my heart I owe you the most amount of gratitude for being my friend, for helping me to settle into a town I didn't know and for helping me to make friends with such good people and for planting the seed of India in my heart and most of all for introducing me to Lord Krishna, who makes me smile with the mention of his name and has brought me so much peace and happiness.
I am not sure when I will return but I know I will have very special friends in Brighton, Dharanhi and his beautiful family his wife Katie and beautiful son and Jennifer and Chris and I know as always I will be welcome at the Temple and I really cant wait to be part of it properly and not just float in and out like I did before. This time I know I am ready and as my special friend Chris always tells me "Jacqueline to get to where you need to be you need good friends, spiritual friends that can carry you" and I know I have that in my life and for that I am so grateful
Hare Krishna
How I used to party party all weekend and half way into the week not sleeping for days, not eating anything but narcotics and drinking Jack Daniels I will never know.
The first few days of this week I could not even get out of bed. I had a stinking cold and sneezed and snotted all over the place and I was so tired that I just lay in bed like a wet rag, sweating out all the toxins from drinking warm Indian beer, smoking joints and ingesting the essential oil of the marijuana plant.
To be honest my little dabble was nothing compared with days of old. I had about 2 beers and shared 2 joints between 5 people and a few sips of the oil concoction so I am hardly in Pete Dohety's league but it is amazing when your system is pure and clean how the smallest dip of the toe in the dark swamp of intoxicants can lead to the whole body, mind and soul being drained of all goodness.
Fortunately I didn't suffer with any emotional come down that usually accompanies a session and that is the worst part as any party princess will tell you. The physical disturbance to the body you can deal with, just bunk off work and stay in bed and eat mashed potato after a few days of starvation but the mental come down is torture. So it was nice to just feel tired but for my brain to be in a good place. It made me realise though that I could never go back down that road again. I never want to be so high that I have flown through the clouds because I know only to well that the trip down into the pits of hell has to follow and my mind just can't do it anymore for sure I would end up locked up in a mental asylum eating my own poo and talking to the wall like Shirley Valentine.
After 2 days of sweating like Dawn French in a cake shop and eating the only thing I had in my cupboards, dry rice cakes I dragged my sticky body out of my pit, throw myself into the shower and went for an evening walk. It was good to feel the fresh air again and the Ganges is so beautiful and peaceful that it makes everything feel OK.
I love watching the old Sadhus sitting along the banks with their dirty dreadlocks piled high on their heads with their red eyes watching the water on its journey south. It's nice to think that what ever happens, what ever we do the river just keeps on flowing, nothing no matter how bad or how impure will stop it's flow it's constant flow south washing away our sins and bringing us peace.
I have spent a lot of time whilst in Rishikesh in the Internet shop by Ramjhula bridge. The family there are so lovely and they make me Ayurvedic tea and sometimes invite me for dinner which is lovely.
Bhuwan helped me find my room and he said if I need anything just to ask which is so kind. He is a lovely man and I'm grateful for his friendship. We sit and talk for hours sometimes and when I look at the clock I realise I have been there 4 maybe 5 hours but its great, he sits playing his Sitar as we talk about life and religion and relationships and it's nice to have a friend that I can talk to about my niece and nephew and how much I love them and miss them.
I love the fact that I don't need to be anywhere or do anything, that is the most wonderful thing about this journey I am on, I'm free to do what I want and I know how amazing that is and how blessed I am. My life in England was so hectic my job dictated my every waking moment and dominated most of my sleeping moments too and endless fights with my sister and problems at home left me exhausted and heartbroken and I thank God for the peace I now feel in my life.
I decided to book myself on a course of meditation, Vipassana. Believe me it is not a decision I taken lightly, I am completely aware that it will be the hardest thing I have ever put myself through but I know I need it. I see it as an enema for the brain. A way of getting all of the stored up shit out of my mind, heart and soul.
Vipassana is one of India's most ancient meditation techniques. Long lost to humanity it was rediscovered by Buddha over 2500 years ago. The word Vipassana means 'clarity in sight' or seeing things as they really are. It is the self process of self purification by self observation a bloody mouthful I know
I really feel that after purifying my body, well I had a little bhang hiccup but I'm definitely purer than ever before I feel I now need to purify my mind and soul and I really think Vipassana will help me to do that.
I want to learn how to control my mind, to learn self discipline and meditating crossed legged on the floor in silence for 10 days I'm sure will help me to do that.
I know there will be times when I will want to jump up and run out of there screaming at the top of my lungs but I will not quit, well I think and hope I will not quit, only time will tell.
The Vipassana meditation aim is to gain full enlightenment and total liberation and that sounds good to me but if I can complete the course and feel like I have dealt with my past and feel in a position to move forward in peace I will be happy. Also I want to be able to have one or two glasses of wine without getting out of my face like I have been doing for the last few years. So if I can learn the self discipline and self control to be able to do that I will be one happy camper!
I know I am not an alcoholic even though AA tried to convince me that I was. To be honest I have the highest respect for AA they save lives and they give people support and love and that is incredible. But for me I feel like if you tell yourself everyday over and over "Hello my name is John I'm an alcoholic" then you bloody will be. I believe that anything is possible, that you can be or do anything you just have to believe it. The mind is incredibly powerful and affirmations are incredibly powerful and there is no pissing way I am telling myself everyday I'm an alcoholic because I don't want to bloody be one so I stopped going.
I was drinking a lot because I was so bloody unhappy and like thousands of people in the world for a few hours or so it gave some release from the pain but of course it is all there when you sober up just worse because it is covered in darkness and guilt and shame. I know I am a binge drinker but then again I'm a binge everything. If I drink I want to get plastered, if I get high I want to meet Amy Whinehouse up there, if I eat I eat until I'm ready to explode and if i have sex I want a multiple orgasm, it is just the way I am I do everything to the excess.
I have identified the signs though I know when I am heading for a bender and I know what and who to avoid now. It is not easy but I know why I do it and I feel liberated that I am aware of the problem and I asked for help and I am heading in the right direction. I have had to loose some people from my life over the last year because friendship with them was destructive and they only accelerated my drinking. Now I have only been drunk perhaps once in 4 months and that was not paralytic drunk, I remember going to bed, well of course I do it was with a fit Nepalese toyboy. On a few occasions I have had a beer but been happy to walk home and not have anymore.
I don't want to be T Total I want to be able to have a glass of wine with my Momsie over dinner or with friends to relax and have a giggle. I just don't want to have that burning desire to get wasted. The thing is I love oblivion, when I have 2 drinks I feel frustrated because I want oblivion and I don't know why or what that means but I am determined to beat it so I'm sure I will. At the moment I have no desire to drink, the warm beers I had last week were awful so I am in no rush to indulge anytime soon and smoking joints holds no attraction either, I hate smoking I have never smoked cigarettes I hate the taste of tobacco on my lips and the smell of it in my hair and on my clothes and every time I smoke I just cant wait to feel normal again and pure. And the next day my chest aches and I cant run without my lungs aching so smoking is just not for me.
I remember some man in England making a comment about Amy Whinehouse and her husband a few years ago, he said people that drink that much and get that high are scared of life and I agree with him. If you are happy in life why would you need to escape it into oblivion? so what I am doing is not seeing alcohol as the problem because I am aware that in every moment I have a choice, that I am responsible for everything that happens to me in my life and alcohol is not some big scary demon waiting to get me. I have a choice whether to have the 4th drink or to say no that is enough I'm tipsy and happy and I will have a coffee now because I don't want the evening to go tits up like it has so many times in the past.
India has been a perfect place to come and detox the mind. For me I have learned more about myself in the last 4 months than ever before and I see a lifestyle that I want for myself. I know I want yoga to be a part of my daily life and alcohol to be a once in a while treat for good behaviour.
It has been wonderful to wake every morning happy and at peace and I want to continue with that when I go back to England. When I do go back I will not go back to Birmingham, for me that life there is over, I will never live there again. I will of course visit my family but I know living there is destructive for me and it makes me unhappy. I will go back to Brighton by the sea.
Brighton is the most wonderful place. I remember the first time I was sent there with work, I got off the train and saw the sea at the bottom of the hill and couldn't wait to put my suitcase into the hotel and go down to touch the water. I had just come back from living in California and I hated being back in England and was really planning to piss off out of there as soon as possible but then as if by magic a new life unfolded.
I telephoned my Mom right there by the sea and put the phone next to the sea so she could here it splashing against the pebbles and I told her I was leaving Birmingham, she was of course used to me coming and going I have been flying off around the world since I was 19 so she just laughed and said OK, at this point I had only been back in Birmingham for about 5 months. Within a month I was there, living just a stone throw from that very spot and I was so so happy. I went to the Brighton Market on that 1st Sunday and I decorated my little bedsit by the sea with Indian cushions and made curtains from saris and bought a beautiful old mirror and chair and it was home and I felt settled and safe.
The first friend I had in Brighton was Dharanhi, he is the best friend that anyone could have. He used to have a little spiritual shop in the lanes and I would go there and sit with him and we would talk and I loved the shop it had such a good energy, incense would be burning and spiritual Cd's playing and it was wonderful to be surrounded by crystals and pretty things from India.
It was Dharannhi that first planted the seed of India in my heart. I had always wanted to go to India but Dharanhi's love for the country and its culture and religion really made me determined to go. I went along with Dharannhi to his Temple a few times and met all of his friends and they were all so happy and peaceful and I felt part of a family when I was with them. That was my first insight into Krishna Consciousness, I had seen Krishna devotees banging their tambourines and drums through the city streets but had always made a b-line for the closest shop to escape the madness, embarrassed but getting to know these people made me see how full of happiness and love they all were. One night I was at the temple and it was a big celebration and we were all dancing around and I was laughing at the top of my voice and banging a tambourine on my thigh and walking home along the sea later I was so filled with joy and I realised that that was the happiest and the freest I had felt in years and I was sober, I was dancing and singing and jumping around sober and it felt good.
For me Brighton is the only place I would live in England and for the first time in my life I think I am almost ready to settle.
So Dharanhi from my heart I owe you the most amount of gratitude for being my friend, for helping me to settle into a town I didn't know and for helping me to make friends with such good people and for planting the seed of India in my heart and most of all for introducing me to Lord Krishna, who makes me smile with the mention of his name and has brought me so much peace and happiness.
I am not sure when I will return but I know I will have very special friends in Brighton, Dharanhi and his beautiful family his wife Katie and beautiful son and Jennifer and Chris and I know as always I will be welcome at the Temple and I really cant wait to be part of it properly and not just float in and out like I did before. This time I know I am ready and as my special friend Chris always tells me "Jacqueline to get to where you need to be you need good friends, spiritual friends that can carry you" and I know I have that in my life and for that I am so grateful
Hare Krishna
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