My week in Agonda is flying by.
I am still eating all my meals at the little chai cafe. Fernandez and Esperita are so lovely that I have to see them everyday and they have just introduced me to their very hansom son. Good job I am leaving Saturday I can see a Shirley Valentine moment coming on.
They have invited me to their home for dinner the night before I leave just them and their hansom son and gorgeous daughter. I have promised myself to be on my best behaviour and no sneaking my grubby hand under the table to check what the hansom son keeps in his pocket.
I have done yoga everyday except one day when I didn't even bother to have a run, I couldn't even be bothered to sit on the beach, what a lazy article I just lay on my bed with the fan on listening to the ocean and thinking, I am going to lie here all day and do nothing because I can!
I have had lots of Ayurvedic massage since being in Agonda. I am going to save the heavy duty cleansing and detox treatments until I get to Kerala.
I have had the same young lady doing my treatments all week. Her name is Reshma and she is so beautiful. She is from Kerala and is just in Agonda for six months working and then goes home to her family the end of April and then eats and relaxes so she tells me during the monsoon.
She is only young I would say about seventeen. She works seven days every week, gets up at 5am and works until 8.30pm.
She is doing massage all day which must be exhausting. I used to work as a masseuse years ago in a gym and we were only allowed to do four per shift as it is exhausting but the staff here in Bio Veda are doing massages back to back all day long, seven days a week.
I have had a scalp, shoulder and face massage everyday because I have weened myself off coffee and for four days it felt like I was being kicked in the head by a skin head wearing dock martin boots.
I had the worst headache ever. I love coffee but I don't want to be dependent on anything but coming off it is tough, the headaches are torture.
I can not for the life of me even begin to understand how hard it must be to come off heroin, I have watched people try and do it over the years and I think it makes my coffee withdrawal look like a teardrop in a teacup compared with their monsoon in an ocean of misery.
I haven't touched a drop of alcohol for nearly five weeks now and I want to be as healthy as I can. After years of filling my body with harmful toxins and chemicals and depriving it of sleep and love and starving it one week and stuffing it with food the next, I have decided that I must take care of this body I have been given in this life and as it is only on loan. I would like to give it back in as good of nik as possible. Also I want to be a donor and who the hell wants to be given a wrinkled liver that looks like it has been soaking in terps for a month.
I went along the other evening for a full body Ayuvedic massage. Reshma the gorgeous goddess with waist length ebony hair and huge charcoal eyes lined with the most seductive long lashes was the lucky girl that would have the privilege of needing my thick thighs and wrestling the pounds of flesh around my body in the hope of streamlining the monstrous bulk.
I kind of knew before even getting into the room that there was going to be a tug of war between me and Reshma to get my knickers off.. It seems ironic that for years I have been trying my hardest to get my knickers off at every available opportunity and here I am with a stunning young woman begging to keep them on.
I had thought about it all day and decided that I was going to be in India for 6 months and would be having lots of treatments and once in Kerala I would be having Panchakarma which is a course of detoxing colonics so if I was going to have to allow some poor individual to stick pipes and lotions and potions up my bottom then I had better get used to getting my kit off..
So when she said "Everything off beauty" I did try to compromise my saying I was only wearing a g-string so surly that were causing no obstruction to anything as there was more material in an eye patch, but she was having none of it. I was thinking it's all right for you love all sweet seventeen, size eight with long slender limbs looking like you have just walked of a set of a Bollywood movie but I'm knocking on forty here and unless I am in a shoulder stand yoga pose then these puppies are going south.
Anyway I dropped me draws and was expecting a round of applause, but didn't get one. I had booked to have a steam first and then a massage so I hot footed in the direction of the steam cabinet hoping to get this beast inside that beast to conceal my nakedness before I caused an eclipse.
Reshma had other ideas, she grabbed be by the arm, "what are you doing beauty, no no sit down" jeepers nothing is ever staright forward.
When I worked as a therapist we would put the clients in the steam first to relax and warm the muscles prior to then being manipulated and pummled by our dear hand, but here in india it is the other way round which I can not understand because why would you want to go into the steamer when you are oiled up like a stripper just to sweat it all off. But like my dear friend Claire said when we were travelling around Cambodia, "Jacqueline when travelling in foreign lands always keep your options and your legs open" LOL LOL nice one Claire.
So my treatment was started with a scalp and neck massage, very relaxing I must say though I would have enjoyed it as lot more if every time I glanced down I didnt see my Burmuda triangle staring back up at me. With my head relaxed I was asked to 'Jump up on bed", well have you ever tried to jump up on bed with nothing on, well it's not easy to contain your modesty with no knickers on, one foot on the floor and the other flying through the air .
I really thought it would have been appropriate to be given some sort of 'modesty towel' but not on Reshma's shift she just started oiling me up with no regard at all for the shame I was feeling. Fortuntly I was face down and it was a good bloody massage and I would have been enjoying it had I not been thinking about the fact that I would have to flip the bacon in any minute and be facing up with my lotus flower out for all to see.
Reshma proceeded to massage with real passion and vigor, for a slim girl she can pack a punch, she was effleraging with such strengh that I was grabbing on to the top of the bed in case I skidded forward on my tits straight off the bed.
I really wanted to call it a day but didn't have the guts to say stop I was worried she may have given me a back hander across the butt cheeks and every time she pushed up my legs with both hands one of her hands went straight between the crack of my ass, that cant be right surly but I was so stunned I wasn't sure if what just happened had happened or was I delirious. Had she slipped or was it on purpose or part of the massage but I could definitely feel the side of her hand in the crease of my bottom. I thought to my self she had better take care I was that oiled up if she makes a wrong move she is a gonner, all that will be left of poor Resham in this world will be her silk scarf hanging out of my bottom, she will end her life as a human sepositry.
I was trying my hardest to keep my legs as tight together as I could, those yoga sessions had come in handy, if you had put a piece of coal up my arse you would have had a diamond in a fortnight!
Then the words I was dreading were released into the atmosphere, "Turning over beauty" I was thinking there is nothing beauty about this when it turns over, you need to get out and about more Reshma.
Reluctantly and going so slow I would probably be stopped by the police for causing an obstruction I turned over and lay down on my back. I was mortified, surly a little towel or even a serviette or even a handkerchief should have been allowed, I mean I couldn't relax and surly Reshma was fed up of the sight of overweight westeners moaning and groaning, covered in oil with their undercarriages hanging out.
Well Reshma didn't seem to mind she just happily massaged away up and down up and down and the frisky bit kept pulling my legs apart so she could get right up to the tops of my thighs, Jesus Mary and Joseph I was beginning to think that I may have accidentally booked in for a massage with a happy ending. once again every part of me was massaged apart from the bits that were safely tucked up in side.
So my Ayurvedic treatments have been quite an experience and this is only the warm up. tomorrow I leave Goa and fly to Kerala were I will start a cleansing diet and detox program under the watchful eye of another unfortunate Ayuvedic practitioner. I know it will be embarrassing and I know it wont be pretty but I didnt expect it to be a walk in the park.
So I am off to the beach now for my last laze in the sun in Goa. It has been a wonderful month of relaxation, reading, yoga, eye-opening and leg- opening treatments and I feel wonderful.
Speak soon, Be happy x
I am still eating all my meals at the little chai cafe. Fernandez and Esperita are so lovely that I have to see them everyday and they have just introduced me to their very hansom son. Good job I am leaving Saturday I can see a Shirley Valentine moment coming on.
They have invited me to their home for dinner the night before I leave just them and their hansom son and gorgeous daughter. I have promised myself to be on my best behaviour and no sneaking my grubby hand under the table to check what the hansom son keeps in his pocket.
I have done yoga everyday except one day when I didn't even bother to have a run, I couldn't even be bothered to sit on the beach, what a lazy article I just lay on my bed with the fan on listening to the ocean and thinking, I am going to lie here all day and do nothing because I can!
I have had lots of Ayurvedic massage since being in Agonda. I am going to save the heavy duty cleansing and detox treatments until I get to Kerala.
I have had the same young lady doing my treatments all week. Her name is Reshma and she is so beautiful. She is from Kerala and is just in Agonda for six months working and then goes home to her family the end of April and then eats and relaxes so she tells me during the monsoon.
She is only young I would say about seventeen. She works seven days every week, gets up at 5am and works until 8.30pm.
She is doing massage all day which must be exhausting. I used to work as a masseuse years ago in a gym and we were only allowed to do four per shift as it is exhausting but the staff here in Bio Veda are doing massages back to back all day long, seven days a week.
I have had a scalp, shoulder and face massage everyday because I have weened myself off coffee and for four days it felt like I was being kicked in the head by a skin head wearing dock martin boots.
I had the worst headache ever. I love coffee but I don't want to be dependent on anything but coming off it is tough, the headaches are torture.
I can not for the life of me even begin to understand how hard it must be to come off heroin, I have watched people try and do it over the years and I think it makes my coffee withdrawal look like a teardrop in a teacup compared with their monsoon in an ocean of misery.
I haven't touched a drop of alcohol for nearly five weeks now and I want to be as healthy as I can. After years of filling my body with harmful toxins and chemicals and depriving it of sleep and love and starving it one week and stuffing it with food the next, I have decided that I must take care of this body I have been given in this life and as it is only on loan. I would like to give it back in as good of nik as possible. Also I want to be a donor and who the hell wants to be given a wrinkled liver that looks like it has been soaking in terps for a month.
I went along the other evening for a full body Ayuvedic massage. Reshma the gorgeous goddess with waist length ebony hair and huge charcoal eyes lined with the most seductive long lashes was the lucky girl that would have the privilege of needing my thick thighs and wrestling the pounds of flesh around my body in the hope of streamlining the monstrous bulk.
I kind of knew before even getting into the room that there was going to be a tug of war between me and Reshma to get my knickers off.. It seems ironic that for years I have been trying my hardest to get my knickers off at every available opportunity and here I am with a stunning young woman begging to keep them on.
I had thought about it all day and decided that I was going to be in India for 6 months and would be having lots of treatments and once in Kerala I would be having Panchakarma which is a course of detoxing colonics so if I was going to have to allow some poor individual to stick pipes and lotions and potions up my bottom then I had better get used to getting my kit off..
So when she said "Everything off beauty" I did try to compromise my saying I was only wearing a g-string so surly that were causing no obstruction to anything as there was more material in an eye patch, but she was having none of it. I was thinking it's all right for you love all sweet seventeen, size eight with long slender limbs looking like you have just walked of a set of a Bollywood movie but I'm knocking on forty here and unless I am in a shoulder stand yoga pose then these puppies are going south.
Anyway I dropped me draws and was expecting a round of applause, but didn't get one. I had booked to have a steam first and then a massage so I hot footed in the direction of the steam cabinet hoping to get this beast inside that beast to conceal my nakedness before I caused an eclipse.
Reshma had other ideas, she grabbed be by the arm, "what are you doing beauty, no no sit down" jeepers nothing is ever staright forward.
When I worked as a therapist we would put the clients in the steam first to relax and warm the muscles prior to then being manipulated and pummled by our dear hand, but here in india it is the other way round which I can not understand because why would you want to go into the steamer when you are oiled up like a stripper just to sweat it all off. But like my dear friend Claire said when we were travelling around Cambodia, "Jacqueline when travelling in foreign lands always keep your options and your legs open" LOL LOL nice one Claire.
So my treatment was started with a scalp and neck massage, very relaxing I must say though I would have enjoyed it as lot more if every time I glanced down I didnt see my Burmuda triangle staring back up at me. With my head relaxed I was asked to 'Jump up on bed", well have you ever tried to jump up on bed with nothing on, well it's not easy to contain your modesty with no knickers on, one foot on the floor and the other flying through the air .
I really thought it would have been appropriate to be given some sort of 'modesty towel' but not on Reshma's shift she just started oiling me up with no regard at all for the shame I was feeling. Fortuntly I was face down and it was a good bloody massage and I would have been enjoying it had I not been thinking about the fact that I would have to flip the bacon in any minute and be facing up with my lotus flower out for all to see.
Reshma proceeded to massage with real passion and vigor, for a slim girl she can pack a punch, she was effleraging with such strengh that I was grabbing on to the top of the bed in case I skidded forward on my tits straight off the bed.
I really wanted to call it a day but didn't have the guts to say stop I was worried she may have given me a back hander across the butt cheeks and every time she pushed up my legs with both hands one of her hands went straight between the crack of my ass, that cant be right surly but I was so stunned I wasn't sure if what just happened had happened or was I delirious. Had she slipped or was it on purpose or part of the massage but I could definitely feel the side of her hand in the crease of my bottom. I thought to my self she had better take care I was that oiled up if she makes a wrong move she is a gonner, all that will be left of poor Resham in this world will be her silk scarf hanging out of my bottom, she will end her life as a human sepositry.
I was trying my hardest to keep my legs as tight together as I could, those yoga sessions had come in handy, if you had put a piece of coal up my arse you would have had a diamond in a fortnight!
Then the words I was dreading were released into the atmosphere, "Turning over beauty" I was thinking there is nothing beauty about this when it turns over, you need to get out and about more Reshma.
Reluctantly and going so slow I would probably be stopped by the police for causing an obstruction I turned over and lay down on my back. I was mortified, surly a little towel or even a serviette or even a handkerchief should have been allowed, I mean I couldn't relax and surly Reshma was fed up of the sight of overweight westeners moaning and groaning, covered in oil with their undercarriages hanging out.
Well Reshma didn't seem to mind she just happily massaged away up and down up and down and the frisky bit kept pulling my legs apart so she could get right up to the tops of my thighs, Jesus Mary and Joseph I was beginning to think that I may have accidentally booked in for a massage with a happy ending. once again every part of me was massaged apart from the bits that were safely tucked up in side.
So my Ayurvedic treatments have been quite an experience and this is only the warm up. tomorrow I leave Goa and fly to Kerala were I will start a cleansing diet and detox program under the watchful eye of another unfortunate Ayuvedic practitioner. I know it will be embarrassing and I know it wont be pretty but I didnt expect it to be a walk in the park.
So I am off to the beach now for my last laze in the sun in Goa. It has been a wonderful month of relaxation, reading, yoga, eye-opening and leg- opening treatments and I feel wonderful.
Speak soon, Be happy x
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