The first three days of Vipassana were complete physical torture. Every bone in my body ached. My hips had gradually started to open and the pain had subsided from them slightly but the pain in my upper back was complete agony, I felt like I had been kicked from one end of India to the other by a skin head wearing Doc Martin boots.
I had no problem getting up at 4am, I am really a morning person. I love getting up early and making the most of the day and then be tucked up 9.30 at night, bliss.but even I had to drag myself out of my pit by the 4th day I was shattered and my body was weak.
I found the afternoon session the hardest. The 1pm session because it was so so hot. There was no AC or any such luxuries only a few old fans on the ceiling and I was no where near any of them. More often than not any way there would be a power cut and the fans were still. I could feel sweat dripping down my back between my boobs and when the session was finally finished and I got up my cushion was saturated and my ass was soaking....nice.
The reason why I have decided to call this blogg Indigestion India is because of the following. For 6 months now I have been blown away by India. I have loved every second and everyday I always see something sometimes many things and I just look and say...OH Incredible India, but on Vipassana I decided to change that to Indigestion India because of all of the burps and wind and farts and rumbling I witnessed though those 10 days of meditation. I literally was nearly blown away by India!!!
We would be sat there in silence and then someone would be hacking up crap from their chest and clearing their throat it was worse in the mornings. The whole session from 4.30 to 6.30 would be full of both men and woman coughing up snot and dragging the lumpy matter through nasal passages down into their mouths. It was disgusting. Then the afternoon session would be filled with farts after all the chapattis and dahl. The woman in front of me farted constantly and when you are not allowed to move an inch and someone is letting one rip every five minutes from under her sari in front of you it is torture especially in that heat as well she stunk like an old sow.
It got to the point that some of the western girls complained. They tried to explain to the teacher that all of the burps and farts were distracting us from meditation but he would not have any of it and so it continued. In the end I think we just got used to it we really did not have any choice I was just so happy that I was sharing a room with the lovely Amy from France who never burped or farted for 10 days.
After only 4 days my room mate Madeline and her German friend left the course. To be honest I was surprised Madeline's friend lasted that long but I was surprised Madeline left with her I was sure she would see it through after talking to her on the first day, she seemed dedicated. I suppose if you are travelling together you feel you have to go if your friend wants to. I was glad I was on my own it is a lot easier.
On the very first day when we all arrived Madeline's friend was crying. I went over to talk to her and I could tell than that she was no way ready for Vipassana, I could tell she was frightened and I could see that she did not want to be there at all. She said she would be fine but I could see she was crumbling and we hadn't even started. I really felt for her. I put my arm around her and she sobbed into her hands. I told her that if she was not 100 % then this was the time to leave. I told her it didn't matter, she had to listen to her inner voice her gut instinct and if she had any doubts then not to do it. She could always do it another time when she felt stronger and more focused. Anyway She decided to stay and I really hoped she would be ok but every day she looked sadder and sadder and because she was sad Madeline and her kept talking. It was really disturbing, I would walk into my room and they would be there gassing away when we were supposed to be in silence. They were both sat behind me in the meditation hall and would constantly move around and get up and go out side and would be huffing and puffing all the time and I think when they finally left we were all relieved because it was disturbing us all.
After they had left I found a note from both of them on my bed wishing me luck and strength to continue and Madeline had left me a flower which I thought was sweet and when I got into bed that night me and my other room mate Amy looked at each other and at Madeline's empty bed and we were sad that she had gone.
In our evening video one night Goenka told us that what we are doing was a deep surgical operation for the mind. He told us that we had now opened a can of worms and now we had to face the music and deal with all the deep rooted issues, repressed troubles from our past. Shite I thought this 10 days could turn into 10 months with the amount of deep rooted "Issues" I have from my past.
On the 3rd night we all crawled holding our backs on creaking legs into the meditation hall to watch the daily Goenka video. Everyone had pulled their floor cushions against the wall because we were all battered and aching from head to foot.
Goenka went on to tell us that the last 3 days were not actually Vipassana. That all we had done was the preparatory exercise that the real work would start on the 4th day. He said the first 3 days was just to calm the mind to clear the thoughts from the mind.
To be honest I felt terrified. I was in so much physical pain and thought now after 3 days things would get easier and here was Goenka telling us that we had completed the easy part of the course that the "Real Battle" as he put it was about to begin. I think this is what put the final nail in the coffins of Madeline and her German friend, because the next morning they were out of there like shit off a chrome shovel!
Goenka explained that the pain that we were feeling would pass that nothing was permanent that we had to face both the physical and mental pain that this meditation practise would evoke. To be honest there are things that I have kept locked inside me all my life. There are things that I have shared with friends but there are things that no one knows that I feel I cold never tell anyone, I feel too much shame to tell anyone. I know that is why I have used drugs and why I have drank excessively in my life because as anyone who has deep rooted guilt or shame or regret knows you want to block those memories out of your head and intoxicants take care of that quite nicely. But for me I got tired of the chaos that alcohol and drugs create because in an intoxicated state I was just creating more guilt and more shame and the pain was getting to the point that I didn't know how to deal with it anymore.
I started to want a different life a different path. I wanted to leave the chaos behind that drinking caused and I realised that alcohol was not the problem it was the fact that I had not dealt with my past, excepted it, forgiven the people involved, forgiven myself. So that is why I chose Vipassana well the main reason, so I knew that this was not going to be a walk in the park. I knew to deal with what I had kept inside for almost my whole life would take some real work and strength and dedication.
At no point did I ever think I would walk. for me it was not an option. I knew that this was the time for me to deal with things, this was it and I was determined to complete the course and to walk out of there a stronger person and more at peace with myself.
By the 4th day a lot of the Indian woman were starting to chatter amongst themselves. Deepa and her fathers student wold be giggling to themselves and call me over but I did not want to talk I was so enjoying being quiet. I know that will be hard for you to believe but it is true I adored the silence and if anyone was talking I just took myself away from them.
Around the 4th day I started to notice how much my other senses had be heightened. Eating food was incredible. The feeling of the food on my tongue and the roof of my mouth, the taste was so beautiful and the tea was like drinking heaven everything felt so good.
I was in the shower one morning and the sun was shinning through the window and I put my hands together with my palms facing upwards with the water splashing down onto them and the sun was dancing in the droplets of water creating thousand of little rainbows in every drop of water, it was like a thousand diamonds splashing down on me it was a beautiful experience, I was just staring at my hands and the rainbows dancing from them, it was unbelievable.
Out in the garden I started to notice how beautiful the trees looked every leaf was so perfect so green, every flower so delicate so fresh so sweet and when I put my body lotion on I felt so good, so healthy so strong I felt real love for myself and amazement in just creation, in each person. I would look at the other girls and think how beautiful they were, the long black shiny Indian hair the dark brown eyes, everyone looked so beautiful and my heart felt so warm and full of love for everyone and every thing..
Due to the fact that we were not allowed to talk to each other I had no idea really what anybody else was experiencing but one night after we had watched the evening Goenka video we were all stood outside the meditation hall waiting to go in for our final evening meditation and it was a full moon night. One by one we all looked up at the moon. I actually lay down on the stone wall and just lay looking up at it in the dark sky. It was completely silent just the sound of the night and for once all the woman were quiet. Some had joined me and were lying down on the wall staring up at the moon. It was a beautiful night, the sky was the darkest deepest blue black and the moon was glorious, I don't think I have ever looked at the moon for so long before and I certainty have not seen it like that before or in that way before. It was so beautiful, glowing down on us, radiating a magical light across the vast sky, I could feel tears in my eyes and I was so so happy and so at peace and I wanted that feeling to last forever but like Goenka kept telling us nothing is permanent, everything will end.
Our pain is caused by desire and craving that attachment will only bring us sorrow. I understood that of course but when you feel all that love and peace after living a life filled with chaos and stress mostly of your own creation you cant help but crave those feelings of complete peace.
So we were told by another tape recording of Goenka at the start of day 4 how the course wold now unfold. The whole idea of Vipassana is to be a witness to all the sensations in the body and not to react. We were told to start from the top of the head observing the sensations on our scalp and then on our forehead and nose, eyes etc right down to the toes. It was hard. Sometimes I didn't feel anything, I would be sat there trying to feel a sensation in my upper arm and then my head would jerk forward where I had started to fall asleep. It was exhausting. Goenka was telling us to be aware to be alert and we were all knackered.
I looked around and my french roommate Amy had put a pillow on top of her knees and had fallen asleep sat upright with her head on her knees. The teacher at the front signalled to our guide Auntie Hitler to go and wake Amy up it gave me a few moments of light relief and a giggle.
A lot of people were nodding off here and there it was bloody hard work. I had to go outside from time to time to breathe some fresh air, I would bend down an inhale the sweet smell of the jasmine outside the hall and ask Mother nature to give me the strength I so needed to get through each session.
I would return to the hall and again I would start the long process of scanning the body, every finger, toe and inch of skin for sensations. Then the real agony began. I have never experienced pain like it. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the upper back with a sharp knife. It would completely take my breathe away and I was trying so hard to follow Goenkas instructions to just be aware of the pain but not to react so I sat there as still as I could and then the pain would go and then another stabbing would come under my shoulder blade and then in the spine and then in my neck and I cold not hold the tears anymore. A river of salty tears was running down my face into my mouth down my neck and between my breasts and I couldn't stop, the tears kept coming and coming so I just gave into it and cried and cried. I did not open my eyes I was scared that every eye in the room would be on me and I was frozen still in agony with memories coming into my mind as clear as day.
Eventually the tears stopped coming and the acuteness of the pain eased and I was just left feeling weak and aching and sad. I could hear something going on , crying and talking so I opened my eyes and one of the Indian ladies had fainted and was being carried to the back of the room and was weeping on the floor. We all left the hall for lunch and I had a look at some of the others and I could see that people were sad, tired and I think for everyone it had been a really intense morning. I was glad it was over but was scared what the afternoon would bring.
I kept my head down through lunch I still felt so emotional and I was fighting to keep the tears in my eyes until I ate lunch and could get out of there and be on my own.
Every day of Vipassana is hard work. The keeping silent part is the easy part. The first 3 days is to help to quiet the mind as our minds are full of thousands of thoughts and concentrating on the breathe for 3 days helps to soothe the mind and calm the chitter chatter. But when the real Vipassana starts on the 4th day that is when the real work begins. There were moments when I could have screamed I was in so much pain and there were mornings when I had to fight to keep myself awake through the meditation session because my head kept nodding forward with exhaustion.
I did find a way to deal with the pain though by using my breathe I found a way to almost accept the pain and by the 5th and 6th day I was enjoying the pain which sounds nuts. I realised that the pain was all the deep rooted things I had been holding on to and I had to let them go so when I felt the pain I did as Goenka said I just watched it, I didn't move I just observed it until it went and then I would observe the next pain until that also went. I did not react and I did not move I just concentrated on the pain and breathed slowly through it. It was incredible how I would be in complete agony but as soon as I opened my eyes at the end of the session the pain would instantly go. This is because the pain was not really physical well it felt physical but it was coming from the mind, from the pain I had in my mind and soul that was manifesting as physical pain. Once I got that and understood that I could not wait to get into each session. Yes it was torture but I knew every time I walked out of those doors after each session I was a little more pure a little lighter and a little more at peace.
On the last day we were all allowed to talk after the morning session. I could not believe how awful it all sounded. It was complete chaos in the dinning hall. Everyone seemed to be walking faster moving quicker, everyone was laughing and shrieking and banging trays and scratching chairs along the floor. I could not believe the difference in the place and I hated it. I felt completely overwhelmed I did not want to speak to anyone so I just ran back to my room and stood underneath a cold shower trying to wash away the noise that was polluting the air. I then got on my hands and knees and started scrubbing the floor in the bathroom and then the walls, I was like a mad woman possessed scrubbing and cleaning hiding from the noise.
Eventually Deepa came to my room and dragged me out of the bathroom laughing at my antics. It was nice to talk to her again and I gradually faced the crowds but it did feel strange.
I had felt safe in the silence it is almost like a security blanket and now everyone was talking I felt exposed like more of me could be seen. I found for the first time in 10 days that I was looking in the mirror checking my hair and I realised how strange that was that in silence I almost felt invisible and how now surrounded by everyone talking I felt naked and vulnerable. I wished we could go back to the silence but I don't think any of the Indian woman thought so. They were laughing at the tops of their voices, slapping there hands on there hips, shouting to each other but to be honest a lot of them had talked to each other for the whole course but they were really going for it now.
I have to admit once I had adjusted I realised that what I had missed in the last 10 days was laughter. The first time I heard Deepa's father laugh again I throw my arms around him and hugged him.
We all went into the meditation hall to hear Goenka do his final talk. He advised us to do Vipassana every morning and evening for 1 hour and we all said we would of course but I guess maybe only a small percentage of those there would willingly put them selves through that daily torture. Who knows though I was certainty going to try to do it every day.
I really felt that Vipassana had given me the tools to deal with my problems. I did not come out of there under any illusion I knew that I had just made a start on things that I had to carry on my hard work on the outside, in the real world
I came out of there more at peace than I had been in my life. I had realised things that I had buried deep inside and I had faced them. I felt lighter and happier and I really felt that I had a deeper spiritual presence within myself. I could feel more and my senses were so heightened and I could see beauty all around me and also within me.
Saying goodbye to everyone was full of loves and hugs and all the Indians and the westerners laughed together bonded by a mutual respect, we were all aware what each other had been through and we were all proud of each other for getting to that final day.
I would recommend Vipassana to everyone. I think you have to enter it with a determined and focused attitude. It is no stroll in the park but it is a wonderful way to get to the bottom of things to take a long hard look at yourself and a way in which to move forward in your life.
So I said goodbye to Auntie Hitler who had shouted at us, peeped on us through our windows and rang the bell in our ears at 4am and headed off with Deepa and her family to her family home.
But that is a whole new story..................
I had no problem getting up at 4am, I am really a morning person. I love getting up early and making the most of the day and then be tucked up 9.30 at night, bliss.but even I had to drag myself out of my pit by the 4th day I was shattered and my body was weak.
I found the afternoon session the hardest. The 1pm session because it was so so hot. There was no AC or any such luxuries only a few old fans on the ceiling and I was no where near any of them. More often than not any way there would be a power cut and the fans were still. I could feel sweat dripping down my back between my boobs and when the session was finally finished and I got up my cushion was saturated and my ass was soaking....nice.
The reason why I have decided to call this blogg Indigestion India is because of the following. For 6 months now I have been blown away by India. I have loved every second and everyday I always see something sometimes many things and I just look and say...OH Incredible India, but on Vipassana I decided to change that to Indigestion India because of all of the burps and wind and farts and rumbling I witnessed though those 10 days of meditation. I literally was nearly blown away by India!!!
We would be sat there in silence and then someone would be hacking up crap from their chest and clearing their throat it was worse in the mornings. The whole session from 4.30 to 6.30 would be full of both men and woman coughing up snot and dragging the lumpy matter through nasal passages down into their mouths. It was disgusting. Then the afternoon session would be filled with farts after all the chapattis and dahl. The woman in front of me farted constantly and when you are not allowed to move an inch and someone is letting one rip every five minutes from under her sari in front of you it is torture especially in that heat as well she stunk like an old sow.
It got to the point that some of the western girls complained. They tried to explain to the teacher that all of the burps and farts were distracting us from meditation but he would not have any of it and so it continued. In the end I think we just got used to it we really did not have any choice I was just so happy that I was sharing a room with the lovely Amy from France who never burped or farted for 10 days.
After only 4 days my room mate Madeline and her German friend left the course. To be honest I was surprised Madeline's friend lasted that long but I was surprised Madeline left with her I was sure she would see it through after talking to her on the first day, she seemed dedicated. I suppose if you are travelling together you feel you have to go if your friend wants to. I was glad I was on my own it is a lot easier.
On the very first day when we all arrived Madeline's friend was crying. I went over to talk to her and I could tell than that she was no way ready for Vipassana, I could tell she was frightened and I could see that she did not want to be there at all. She said she would be fine but I could see she was crumbling and we hadn't even started. I really felt for her. I put my arm around her and she sobbed into her hands. I told her that if she was not 100 % then this was the time to leave. I told her it didn't matter, she had to listen to her inner voice her gut instinct and if she had any doubts then not to do it. She could always do it another time when she felt stronger and more focused. Anyway She decided to stay and I really hoped she would be ok but every day she looked sadder and sadder and because she was sad Madeline and her kept talking. It was really disturbing, I would walk into my room and they would be there gassing away when we were supposed to be in silence. They were both sat behind me in the meditation hall and would constantly move around and get up and go out side and would be huffing and puffing all the time and I think when they finally left we were all relieved because it was disturbing us all.
After they had left I found a note from both of them on my bed wishing me luck and strength to continue and Madeline had left me a flower which I thought was sweet and when I got into bed that night me and my other room mate Amy looked at each other and at Madeline's empty bed and we were sad that she had gone.
In our evening video one night Goenka told us that what we are doing was a deep surgical operation for the mind. He told us that we had now opened a can of worms and now we had to face the music and deal with all the deep rooted issues, repressed troubles from our past. Shite I thought this 10 days could turn into 10 months with the amount of deep rooted "Issues" I have from my past.
On the 3rd night we all crawled holding our backs on creaking legs into the meditation hall to watch the daily Goenka video. Everyone had pulled their floor cushions against the wall because we were all battered and aching from head to foot.
Goenka went on to tell us that the last 3 days were not actually Vipassana. That all we had done was the preparatory exercise that the real work would start on the 4th day. He said the first 3 days was just to calm the mind to clear the thoughts from the mind.
To be honest I felt terrified. I was in so much physical pain and thought now after 3 days things would get easier and here was Goenka telling us that we had completed the easy part of the course that the "Real Battle" as he put it was about to begin. I think this is what put the final nail in the coffins of Madeline and her German friend, because the next morning they were out of there like shit off a chrome shovel!
Goenka explained that the pain that we were feeling would pass that nothing was permanent that we had to face both the physical and mental pain that this meditation practise would evoke. To be honest there are things that I have kept locked inside me all my life. There are things that I have shared with friends but there are things that no one knows that I feel I cold never tell anyone, I feel too much shame to tell anyone. I know that is why I have used drugs and why I have drank excessively in my life because as anyone who has deep rooted guilt or shame or regret knows you want to block those memories out of your head and intoxicants take care of that quite nicely. But for me I got tired of the chaos that alcohol and drugs create because in an intoxicated state I was just creating more guilt and more shame and the pain was getting to the point that I didn't know how to deal with it anymore.
I started to want a different life a different path. I wanted to leave the chaos behind that drinking caused and I realised that alcohol was not the problem it was the fact that I had not dealt with my past, excepted it, forgiven the people involved, forgiven myself. So that is why I chose Vipassana well the main reason, so I knew that this was not going to be a walk in the park. I knew to deal with what I had kept inside for almost my whole life would take some real work and strength and dedication.
At no point did I ever think I would walk. for me it was not an option. I knew that this was the time for me to deal with things, this was it and I was determined to complete the course and to walk out of there a stronger person and more at peace with myself.
By the 4th day a lot of the Indian woman were starting to chatter amongst themselves. Deepa and her fathers student wold be giggling to themselves and call me over but I did not want to talk I was so enjoying being quiet. I know that will be hard for you to believe but it is true I adored the silence and if anyone was talking I just took myself away from them.
Around the 4th day I started to notice how much my other senses had be heightened. Eating food was incredible. The feeling of the food on my tongue and the roof of my mouth, the taste was so beautiful and the tea was like drinking heaven everything felt so good.
I was in the shower one morning and the sun was shinning through the window and I put my hands together with my palms facing upwards with the water splashing down onto them and the sun was dancing in the droplets of water creating thousand of little rainbows in every drop of water, it was like a thousand diamonds splashing down on me it was a beautiful experience, I was just staring at my hands and the rainbows dancing from them, it was unbelievable.
Out in the garden I started to notice how beautiful the trees looked every leaf was so perfect so green, every flower so delicate so fresh so sweet and when I put my body lotion on I felt so good, so healthy so strong I felt real love for myself and amazement in just creation, in each person. I would look at the other girls and think how beautiful they were, the long black shiny Indian hair the dark brown eyes, everyone looked so beautiful and my heart felt so warm and full of love for everyone and every thing..
Due to the fact that we were not allowed to talk to each other I had no idea really what anybody else was experiencing but one night after we had watched the evening Goenka video we were all stood outside the meditation hall waiting to go in for our final evening meditation and it was a full moon night. One by one we all looked up at the moon. I actually lay down on the stone wall and just lay looking up at it in the dark sky. It was completely silent just the sound of the night and for once all the woman were quiet. Some had joined me and were lying down on the wall staring up at the moon. It was a beautiful night, the sky was the darkest deepest blue black and the moon was glorious, I don't think I have ever looked at the moon for so long before and I certainty have not seen it like that before or in that way before. It was so beautiful, glowing down on us, radiating a magical light across the vast sky, I could feel tears in my eyes and I was so so happy and so at peace and I wanted that feeling to last forever but like Goenka kept telling us nothing is permanent, everything will end.
Our pain is caused by desire and craving that attachment will only bring us sorrow. I understood that of course but when you feel all that love and peace after living a life filled with chaos and stress mostly of your own creation you cant help but crave those feelings of complete peace.
So we were told by another tape recording of Goenka at the start of day 4 how the course wold now unfold. The whole idea of Vipassana is to be a witness to all the sensations in the body and not to react. We were told to start from the top of the head observing the sensations on our scalp and then on our forehead and nose, eyes etc right down to the toes. It was hard. Sometimes I didn't feel anything, I would be sat there trying to feel a sensation in my upper arm and then my head would jerk forward where I had started to fall asleep. It was exhausting. Goenka was telling us to be aware to be alert and we were all knackered.
I looked around and my french roommate Amy had put a pillow on top of her knees and had fallen asleep sat upright with her head on her knees. The teacher at the front signalled to our guide Auntie Hitler to go and wake Amy up it gave me a few moments of light relief and a giggle.
A lot of people were nodding off here and there it was bloody hard work. I had to go outside from time to time to breathe some fresh air, I would bend down an inhale the sweet smell of the jasmine outside the hall and ask Mother nature to give me the strength I so needed to get through each session.
I would return to the hall and again I would start the long process of scanning the body, every finger, toe and inch of skin for sensations. Then the real agony began. I have never experienced pain like it. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the upper back with a sharp knife. It would completely take my breathe away and I was trying so hard to follow Goenkas instructions to just be aware of the pain but not to react so I sat there as still as I could and then the pain would go and then another stabbing would come under my shoulder blade and then in the spine and then in my neck and I cold not hold the tears anymore. A river of salty tears was running down my face into my mouth down my neck and between my breasts and I couldn't stop, the tears kept coming and coming so I just gave into it and cried and cried. I did not open my eyes I was scared that every eye in the room would be on me and I was frozen still in agony with memories coming into my mind as clear as day.
Eventually the tears stopped coming and the acuteness of the pain eased and I was just left feeling weak and aching and sad. I could hear something going on , crying and talking so I opened my eyes and one of the Indian ladies had fainted and was being carried to the back of the room and was weeping on the floor. We all left the hall for lunch and I had a look at some of the others and I could see that people were sad, tired and I think for everyone it had been a really intense morning. I was glad it was over but was scared what the afternoon would bring.
I kept my head down through lunch I still felt so emotional and I was fighting to keep the tears in my eyes until I ate lunch and could get out of there and be on my own.
Every day of Vipassana is hard work. The keeping silent part is the easy part. The first 3 days is to help to quiet the mind as our minds are full of thousands of thoughts and concentrating on the breathe for 3 days helps to soothe the mind and calm the chitter chatter. But when the real Vipassana starts on the 4th day that is when the real work begins. There were moments when I could have screamed I was in so much pain and there were mornings when I had to fight to keep myself awake through the meditation session because my head kept nodding forward with exhaustion.
I did find a way to deal with the pain though by using my breathe I found a way to almost accept the pain and by the 5th and 6th day I was enjoying the pain which sounds nuts. I realised that the pain was all the deep rooted things I had been holding on to and I had to let them go so when I felt the pain I did as Goenka said I just watched it, I didn't move I just observed it until it went and then I would observe the next pain until that also went. I did not react and I did not move I just concentrated on the pain and breathed slowly through it. It was incredible how I would be in complete agony but as soon as I opened my eyes at the end of the session the pain would instantly go. This is because the pain was not really physical well it felt physical but it was coming from the mind, from the pain I had in my mind and soul that was manifesting as physical pain. Once I got that and understood that I could not wait to get into each session. Yes it was torture but I knew every time I walked out of those doors after each session I was a little more pure a little lighter and a little more at peace.
On the last day we were all allowed to talk after the morning session. I could not believe how awful it all sounded. It was complete chaos in the dinning hall. Everyone seemed to be walking faster moving quicker, everyone was laughing and shrieking and banging trays and scratching chairs along the floor. I could not believe the difference in the place and I hated it. I felt completely overwhelmed I did not want to speak to anyone so I just ran back to my room and stood underneath a cold shower trying to wash away the noise that was polluting the air. I then got on my hands and knees and started scrubbing the floor in the bathroom and then the walls, I was like a mad woman possessed scrubbing and cleaning hiding from the noise.
Eventually Deepa came to my room and dragged me out of the bathroom laughing at my antics. It was nice to talk to her again and I gradually faced the crowds but it did feel strange.
I had felt safe in the silence it is almost like a security blanket and now everyone was talking I felt exposed like more of me could be seen. I found for the first time in 10 days that I was looking in the mirror checking my hair and I realised how strange that was that in silence I almost felt invisible and how now surrounded by everyone talking I felt naked and vulnerable. I wished we could go back to the silence but I don't think any of the Indian woman thought so. They were laughing at the tops of their voices, slapping there hands on there hips, shouting to each other but to be honest a lot of them had talked to each other for the whole course but they were really going for it now.
I have to admit once I had adjusted I realised that what I had missed in the last 10 days was laughter. The first time I heard Deepa's father laugh again I throw my arms around him and hugged him.
We all went into the meditation hall to hear Goenka do his final talk. He advised us to do Vipassana every morning and evening for 1 hour and we all said we would of course but I guess maybe only a small percentage of those there would willingly put them selves through that daily torture. Who knows though I was certainty going to try to do it every day.
I really felt that Vipassana had given me the tools to deal with my problems. I did not come out of there under any illusion I knew that I had just made a start on things that I had to carry on my hard work on the outside, in the real world
I came out of there more at peace than I had been in my life. I had realised things that I had buried deep inside and I had faced them. I felt lighter and happier and I really felt that I had a deeper spiritual presence within myself. I could feel more and my senses were so heightened and I could see beauty all around me and also within me.
Saying goodbye to everyone was full of loves and hugs and all the Indians and the westerners laughed together bonded by a mutual respect, we were all aware what each other had been through and we were all proud of each other for getting to that final day.
I would recommend Vipassana to everyone. I think you have to enter it with a determined and focused attitude. It is no stroll in the park but it is a wonderful way to get to the bottom of things to take a long hard look at yourself and a way in which to move forward in your life.
So I said goodbye to Auntie Hitler who had shouted at us, peeped on us through our windows and rang the bell in our ears at 4am and headed off with Deepa and her family to her family home.
But that is a whole new story..................
No comments:
Post a Comment