Sivananda The first few days

The first few days at the ashram was absolute physical torture.

I'm not talking about the four and a half hours of intense yoga we were put through each day even though that was challenging enough but incredibly it was the sitting crossed legged on the floor. I couldn't believe how hard it was proving to be. I mean at home I very often choose to sit crossed legged on the floor to watch TV or to eat but usually I am propped up against a wall or the sofa. I was amazed at how much I hurt. Shooting pains were travelling up and down my spine and my shoulders were in agony and as hard as the hobs of hell. I think the two years working for Clarins carrying a huge shoulder bag full of files and books and pulling a wheelie suitcase all over the country and up and down escalators on the London underground didn't help much either.
My body felt completely lopsided. I could feel how out of balance it was in certain yoga postures I would be veering off to one side and my spine would always arch to the right to compensate for the big heavy bag it was so used to carrying that was always dragging my left shoulder down. I felt like I had been run over by a steam engine. I was in complete agony through morning and evening Satsang and I was not alone and there was an almighty dash for the support of the walls in the Shiva hall at the beginning and end of every day. The beds provided little comfort as they were so hard and the mattresses  so thin that once in bed I tossed and turned and my bones were bashed and bruised and I wondered what kind of bloody nik I would be  in after two weeks of this routine. I had visions of me limping out of the ashram in shame out of the back door clutching my battered bottom full of piles.

In the end I decided to stay put in the dorm and not move to a twin room as initially planned as the girls were great and we laughed and laughed so it took my mind off how much pain I was in.
The day after we all arrived we attended a meeting to welcome us to the ashram and to tell us what was what. We were also told that every day for 1 hour we would be expected to provide a Karma Yoga selfless service to the ashram, ie serving food, emptying the bins, working on the reception etc etc. The guy that was allocating the karma yoga duties was from Canada. I was really trying not to find fault in him but he was making it very hard. From the moment he opened his mouth with an Aoooohm that sounded like he had been practising it in front of the mirror in his underwear with one hand behind his head I knew he was a bloody egotistical moron and I never wanted to go to Canada.

I was really trying not to judge people too quickly as I tend to make an opinion within the first few minutes of meeting someone and I can see their faults and flaws so easily i know this is not a nice trait it is one handed down to me from my judgemental Mother, God love her and I am quite aware that I have more than my fair share of faults and flaws and I would like people to give me a chance and not just to judge me on them but here I was again watching the cock from Canada talk and talk and I could see how much he loved the sound of his own voice. He just went on and on and talked about himself far too much and as the weeks went by my feelings for him got so strong that I really had to sit down and ask myself why he annoyed me so much. Did I see in him what i could see in my self??? did all his faults actually make me realise that they are my faults too?
Yes I did allot of soul searching during my time in the ashram and I did not like allot of what I saw.
Fortunately for me at the time as soon as we walked out of the Canadians useless chat about himself nearly every other person was confirming what a twat he was and I felt marginally better about my wicked self.

One of my dorm buddies actually said that she couldn't believe that he had been there months and still would need to buy a second seat on the aircraft home for his ego and what hope was there for us beginners if he had been there for months and so obviously didn't get it. I was still not dismissing my thoughts that I needed to look within to understand why he enraged me so much but I was glad I was not the only person who had seen right through him. Amber from Canada said he made her ashamed to be Canadian and I was thinking just be grateful your not Russian by what I had heard in India they were far from flavour of the month, bunch of old trouts.

Every day I noticed that people looked worse and worse. What I had mistakenly taken for a zen like peaceful presence that the ashramites seemed to posses I began to realise was exhaustion. We were all knackered. Every  morning the beast of a bell would be rang at 5.20. I have always been a morning person and very often start my day with a run or yoga before work but I have to admit 5.20 was beginning to wear thin. Some of the other girls were really beginning to struggle. they would be walking around looking like they had just been ripped feet first out of the clutches of a hurricane all battered and creased with hair swept all over their faces stumbling around banging into the walls and it wasn't long before the first recruits jumped ship.
It is no easy life ashram life. Early starts every day. An hour and a half of meditation prayer and chanting every morning and night. Four and a half hours of yoga. An hour of scrubbing toilets or whatever your Karma yoga was and then lectures which again meant you were sat crossed legged in agony on a concrete floor. There were no lie ins or early nights you had to be there otherwise someone would come knocking. There were strict ashram rules that we were supposed to follow no talking in the morning before Satsang and no talking after satsang in the  evening. We talked like a load of old fish wives. No laptops or mobiles to be used in the ashram, phones were ringing all bloody day and of course no smoking and drinking alcohol. Well in my 3 and a half weeks I never heard of anyone drinking alcohol and it did make me chuckle thinking that back in the day....2 months ago I would have for sure sneaked a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in under me sari. Claude from the south of France was constantly sneaking off into the bushes for a roll up and Leor from Israel and Naughty Nina from Sweden jumped the ashram wall for a fag because the guard would not let them out and half an hour later strolled back in the front entrance as brazen as you like past the very same guard LOL LOL.
Naughty nina was great fun. She was a tall striking blond with amazing bone structure. She was an osteopath which I thought was quite appropriate. She was fed up with the ashram schedule and hated the satsang and lectures so much that she skipped them and hid in the dorm. She didn't think it was fair that we were expected to sing and praise the Hindu Deity's even though we were not Hindu's but if you don't want to praise God then you shouldn't have come to an ashram I thought. I mean she could have gone and chilled out on a beach, got out of bed when she wanted and just found a local yoga class. I did love Nina though she was like a chocolate eclair, naughty but nice and I thought if jacquelina was out to play Nina would make a wonderful play mate. She left after a few days which I thought was for the best but I did miss her she was a great girl and she cracked my back for me which gave me a few hours of release from the excruciating pain I was still in. Before she left we shared a hug and she told me not to get to weired which I thought was hilarious. She thought it was strange that I loved praying and when I bought a chant book from the ashram boutique to learn the Jaya Ganesha chant I think she considered throwing me in the lake

Allot of people came to the ashram because it was an inexpensive way to do yoga. To stay in one of the dorm beds was only 500 rupees per night which is about £7 and that's includes two yoga classes per day, all your food, be it humble rice and chick pea curry most days and snacks of  herbal tea and fruit.

At one lecture the ashram director asked us to introduce ourselves and say what had bought us to the ashram. Allot of people said how they were feeling they needed a new direction in life or they were searching for a spiritual path or some such deep and meaningful explanation of there trip in India and one half of an English duo I nicknamed dumb and dumber (I know aren't I a bitch) replied my name is Kevin I'm from Birmingham and I am here because it's cheap. What a tool. I mean, that may have been the reason but would you really say that to the ashram director looking all saintly in his orange robes??
To be honest I thought that was rotten. I mean to come to a sacred place of worship just to get a cheap deal and then complain about doing karma yoga and having to sing a few songs.

I offered to clean the toilets as my karma yoga duty and it was not because I was trying to be the swami's pet but he explained that the selfless act of Karma yoga helps to purify the soul and eradicate the wrong doings we had done. Well with the amount of trouble I had caused over the years and the worry I had caused my poor Mother and the terrible things I had done drank and snorted I decided to go for the worst job of all and go head first down the lavatory until I was washed clean.
I was allocated the dorm toilets with a grubby looking girl from 'The States' as she put it. I thought she looked like she should start her scrubbing duties on herself but Amber from Canada informed me that it was a  look called 'hipster' and they all look the same like Lindsay lohan, dirty blond hair with black roots, black eyeliner smudged down their cheeks and black clothing.
I never found out her name because she only showed up once to clean the toilets with me and yet again I was challenged to keep my cool. I tried not to let it get to me that she just lay in bed in the dorm while she watched me empty her bins and loped off to swim in the lake in her grubby bikini while I was up to the elbows in crap. The lovely Guium from Quebec told me to let it go that this was her karma and it would all balance out but I was furious and wanted to tell anyone that would listen. I could not believe that she could do that, that she would let someone else do her share and she just didn't give a shit. I realised that the wrong doing that she had done had made me act in a way that I was not proud of. I was getting a sick satisfaction out of telling my dorm buddies about her and I had to stifle a giggle when she tripped one day on her way down the stairs. I know what you are thinking and you are right I am a horrible piece of work.
I realised that I was no better than her at the end of the day. I know I should have just got on with it and I did to a certain extent. I quite enjoyed cleaning the toilets, I was on my own and it was peaceful and I even chanted the Jaya Ganesha Ashram anthem while I worked but in  the back of my mind the bitterness was simmering.
I know I am not perfect but I also know that I can be a better person, I want to be a better person  and my time in the ashram really opened my eyes and made me take a long hard look at myself. I used to think being on time for everything and staying late and doing all that I was asked was enough but I was coming to realise that that is such a small part of it. I began to see that just doing what you should is not enough. It is the way in how you do it that matters. The way you feel in your heart and  for me the main realisation was not to judge others and how they choose to act, even if they were lazy or selfish just to let them live there way as they too are on their journey of self realisation and as Guium from Quebec had said Karma will even everything out in the end.
 I was doing everything that I was asked to do, I was attending all the Satsangs and lectures but I was finding myself judging others and their shortcomings and I began to see how wrong that was and I knew I had to make some changes.
That night at satsang I promised God that I would try my very best to not judge others and to preform my tasks from love. I'm not saying it was easy and there were a couple of days when I probably should have stayed in bed because I failed miserably but eventually I did get better and I intended to continue after I left Sivananda.

Sivananda Ashram

I stayed at the Sivananda Ashram for three and a half weeks.
There is so much to say, so much to share with you all.

I experienced so many emotions some good some bad and some horrific, I scrubbed toilets and floors on my knees, served food from buckets to hundreds of fellow yogis sat on the floor eating with their hands. Sweated like a Bombay dustman for hours on my yoga mat trying to perfect a head stand that didn't result in me flying through the air and landing on somebody else's mat across the hall, sang, chanted and praised God until I was blue in the face and cried over the excruciating pains in my hips that after years of action still did not want to open to allow me to sit comfortably crossed legged on the floor for longer than five minutes.
I watched people crumble under the stress of the schedule, some left after 2 days some 2 days before the end of the two week course and some jumped over the wall (honestly). So I think i will have to do this blogg in instalments and add to it every day, so I can do it justice because all in all Sivananda was an experience of a life time for  me, it will stay with me forever and I hope I am a better person for it.

I was quite nervous as I walked into the reception of the Sivananda Ashram Kerala. I had never been to an ashram before. I didn't really know what I was in for but I knew I wanted to be there.
 I had thought about spending time in an ashram for years. I wanted to be surrounded by people who were spiritual and interested in God and were living healthy lives full of prayer and peace and love and respect, all the things that my life had been lacking as for years I had surrounded myself with party people, people I could get drunk with get high with who made me feel it was normal to go through life in a haze of oblivion.
I wanted to learn to meditate properly and to control my mind and senses that were usually running a mock and to find peace within the craziness of my life and I really thought that ashram life may be a good place to start.
I kind of thought that perhaps an ashram would be a bit like an Enigma video, mysterious figures with hooded cloaks floating silently around in the mist but as I looked around I could see that Sivananda was nothing like that it was vibrant and full of chatter and laughter.
As I waited to check in I watched a yoga class that was taking place in what I later came to know as the Shiva hall opposite the reception. I was thinking that these people must have been doing yoga for years because they had just done 10 rounds of sun salutations and now the whole class were standing on their heads and no one was falling over. There was about a hundred pairs of legs floating effortlessly  towards the inviting heavens. I had never been able to do a headstand and I looked on enviously and considered making a run for it back down the stairs and back into the taxi and right there I made a promise to myself that before I left Sivananda I would be able to stand on my head.
I was told by the nice young girl on the reception with very bushy eyebrows that I thought was perhaps the height of ashram chic that the twin room I had booked would not be available for three days and I would have to spend three nights in the dormitory. I did not mind I just wanted to accept what ever was thrown at me and just to believe that everything that happened was meant to happen.
I was given two threadbare bed sheets a mosquito net full of holes and a pillow that looked like it had spent it's entire life under Oprah Winfrey's arse, but I was not going to complain, this was the beginning of a new life for me and I intended to be far more grateful for everything in it than I had been in the past and quite frankly if it was good enough for Oprah Winfrey's arse then it was good enough for my face.

I made my bed and hung up my holey mosquito net and started to un pack my back pack,  its funny but when all you have in the world is what you have in your back pack it is so easy to set up home anywhere so quickly and when I think of all the clutter we surround ourselves with usually it seems ridiculous, wardrobes full of clothes and shoes we never wear and draws full of make up and toiletries just endless unnecessary stuff on top of endless unnecessary
stuff.

Other girls started to arrive and we all got chatting and telling our stories of were we were from and what brought us to the ashram and where we were off to next. The girl next to me was called Alla. Alla has that kind of stunning natural beauty that you just cant help but stare at. She is slim with graceful  limbs and a  slender neck that is accentuated by a short crop of chocolate curls and big brown innocent eyes that gaze out at you like a shy gazelle. Alla does everything gracefully, I could tell immediately that she was definitely not English. Every movement is slow and elegant, she speaks in a husky whisper and flutters her long eyelashes over her secretive eyes. I was thinking trust me to be in a bed next to you, where is the dawn french look alike put me in with her for God sake.
By the time we had all made our beds and showered the 5.50pm bell was rang to let us know that dinner would be served at 6pm. We made our way to the dining hall through the grounds of the ashram which was so beautiful. The ashram is surrounded by the magestic and incredibly beautiful Agastya mountain range and lush green hills and the land is full of papaya, mango, walnut and coconut trees and gardens full of brightly coloured tropical flowers that were being ravished by hundreds of busy butterflies.

 Dinner was served by silent fellow ashramites from big metal buckets onto metal trays. we all sat crossed legged on the floor and a gentleman called joseph who I later christenend 'flexible Jo' due to the fact that he could bend and twist his body in to any yoga posture known to man sang the Krishna mantra and said a prayer and then we all tucked in.
The food was good, all vegetarian which of course is the healthiest way to eat and the chosen diet of the yogis. We had a mountain of rice and then about 4 different vegetable accompaniments, the strict ashram diet excluded onion, chilli and garlic as these are stimulates and make it difficult to meditate but the food was still tasty as it had been flavoured with herbs and lemon juice. I had eaten Indian style with my right hand before so I did ok but I could tell by the looks on some of the faces around me that this was their first encounter of the tradition and they were not too impressed. Cutlery was not allowed and neither were chairs so it was just a case of shut up and put up and get covered in chick pea curry like the rest of us.
We were told to eat in silence and was reminded by Ramesh a big hulk of a man in a lungi cloth pulled tightly over his tum when chatter arouse in the ranks.
I liked the way we chanted and prayed before we ate and hearing the Hare Krishna mantra made a shiver go down my spine. For some time I had been attracted to the Krishna conscience movement and to hear the mantra on my first day in the ashram I felt was a very significant sign. Eating in silence felt sacred and quite different to the eating experience in the west which is usually done in front of the tv with each fork full of plastic food fed into an overweight mouth whilst watching an episode of Coronation street. Eating in silence was a way to appreciate each mouthful and to allow the body to digest the food properly and not have to compromise its energy with a mouth that wouldn't stop yakking and a brain that was focused on Rita in the cabin.
We all washed our own metal tray and then floated back to the dorm. Alla had walked off a little in front and I came to realise that she likes to be alone, often I would see her just sat under one of the trees in the garden writing in her journal or just sitting there in a haze of serenity just gazing into the distance looking like a goddess while I blundered past feeling like an almighty heifer.

None of us knew what was going on really nobody tells you when you arrive they just give you a little ashram leaflet with the do's and don'ts like no drinking alcohol no smoking always cover legs and shoulders all that kind of stuff and a brief daily schedule. It said at 8pm it was 'Satsang' but none of us knew what that was and none of us knew were to go so we just followed the crowds that started to pour out of the dorm just before 8 after the ring of the heavy bell that was right outside the dorm, I'm not looking forward to hearing that beast at 5.20am I was thinking.
We entered the Shiva hall in complete darkness. There were rows and rows of bodies looking holy sat crossed legged facing a huge alter. I sat down crossed legged which was not comfortable as I was still aching from the 30mins sat crossed legged on the concrete floor in the dinning room and I hoped I wouldn't be adding bloody piles to my never ending list of anal ailments. Surely constant constipation was enough to be getting on with.
The hall started to fill up rapidly and as I snook glances around in the darkness I could see the calmness and peacefulness on all the faces around me. Peacefully sitting there eyes closed enjoying the 'inner stillness' I had been reading so much about and craved. I prayed there and then to God that I would feel that peace and serenity and would be able to sit crossed legged long enough to actually be able to meditate because it was my first evening and I was in bloody agony already. But if you think about it in the west as soon as we can sit up are back sides are forced into chairs, no one sits on the floor unless they are bladdered and can't stand for falling over so are legs and hips are just not used to it. especially being a woman, we are sat crossed legged most of the time trying to look thinner and sexier so sitting on a concrete floor with your hips open and your legs folded yogi style is no easy job I was beginning to wish I had had a few more hip opener evenings with my bit of ruff before leaving the uk.
Anyway enough of that filth.

At exactly 8pm according to the Shiva hall clock a microphone was switched on by a man in the darkness on the stage and aooooooooommmmmmm was bellowed out as if from the heavens raising me 2 foot off the concrete floor. This was proceeded by two more of the same accompanied by the  two hundred or so crowd aooooming there way into oblivion. We were then guided into meditation by the mysterious figure from the stage, encouraging us to sit in a comfortable position, fat chance  I was thinking, breath deeply, clear your mind and so on but once again I could not meditate for toffee. I could not switch off the constant chatter in my head and as soon as I was told to be still I fidgeted and scratched and wriggled. I was determined to get better at meditation and I was sure that 2 weeks in the ashram would give me a good start but I was just happy to sit in the darkness just watching the others and listening to the gentle sound of the evening floating into the night.
Then 3 more aooooooooms  were thrown out into the crowd and all the blinding lights were viciously thrown on and what I came to learn was the ashram anthem, was sang from the depths of everyones souls right up to God in the heavens....Jaya Ganesha, Jaya Ganesha Jaya Ganesha Pahiman, Shree Ganesha Shree Ganesh Shree Ganesh rakshamam etc etc, which is a prayer sang to Ganesh the elephant headed Hindu God that helps to remove obsticles. I sang the only bit I could make out Jaya Ganesha Jaya Ganesha and prayed that Lord Ganesh would remove the agony in my western hips.  It was sang at the top of everybody's voice into the blinding light of the Shiva Hall, I was rather embarrassed I was not expecting such a spectacle on my first evening I thought perhaps we would be broken in gently but I came to realise that there is no special treatment for new comers at Sivananda you are just expected to get on with it and get used to the ashrams way of doing things asap. There was a serious amount of clapping and rocking and tambourine bashing going on and I was grateful I was at the back and could hide my embarrassment behind my hair.
Us British are a right up tight lot and the only time we really let ourselves go is when we are ten sheets to the wind on some dodgey dance floor decorated with handbags so being in the middle of all this singing and praising the Lord was heavy duty stuff. More songs were sang and the misterious figure on the stage introduced himself to be the director of the ashram and informed all new yoga vacation guests as we were called that we would be attending a welcome style meeting the following morning to let us know what was going on.

We all stood after an hour and a half of meditation, chanting and prayer to sing Arati, this is the closing prayer that is done at the end of Satsang  every morning and evening and it came to be my favourite not that it signalled the end and a near escape but because it was so beautiful and I was mesmerised from the first time I heard it.
A gentle bell was continuously rang and a lungi wearing man preformed the ceremony at the alter. A man wearing a lungi is a ceramony in it's self. I never thought I would like a man in a skirt because men in kilts make me feel ill with their white hairy legs and tartan but the chocolate coloured toned thighs I was seeing flashing around in India was a hole differeent ball game. Anyway camphor was burnt in a brass looking bowl and the smoke was wafted gently towards the statues of the ashrams Gurus, Sivananda and his disciple Vishnu Devananda and the other deity's, Shiva, Hanumanta and Ganesha. It was beautiful and I felt so emotional a tear ran down my cheek, everyone was stood with their hands together in prayer and I could feel the energy of love surrounding me and it felt good.
Prasad was offered after Arati which is a sacred food usually some fruit or some kind of sweet so we all waited in turn to receive this delight and then we helped to roll the straw mats collect the chant books and made our way back to our rooms or dorms.

We were told not to talk  after Arati but back in the dorm it was like a hen-do weekend in Benidorm, girls were running around with their boobs out whacking each others arses with towels. One girl was on her mobile to her boyfriend which was strictly not allowed as all mobiles had to be handed in or switched off and everyone else was gassing away about all sorts nonsense. The only girl who was quiet was the adorable Polish angel Alla she just sat on the edge of her bed undressing slowly and showing even more delcate tanned beautiful skin that glowed with purity.
I was glad I was in the dorm in the middle of all of this chatter really as I think I may have been a little lonely if it was complete silence in a room on my own on my first night. Sometimes I have a little cry on my first night somewhere new which is silly I know when you are 37years old and have spent your life travelling around the globe and have had hundreds of first nights in hundreds of places I mean what a waste of tears in this current climet of being green and environmentally friendly but Rollie was under my arm and having him with me for the last 30yrs gave me instant comfort and I put my ear plugs in and I thanked God for my first few hours at the Sivananda Ashram and I was so looking forward to the next morning.

Blissful Bio Veda

Bio Veda is a blissful resort nestled in the tropical hills close to Neyyar dam in the south of Kerala.


I had been stopping at Bio Veda in Goa and loved the staff and the bungalows there so when telling them I was travelling to Kerala they gave me the owners number Sunhill and I arranged with him that I would come and stay at Bio Veda in Kerala.

It is so peaceful after the noise of the beach resorts of Goa over run with tourists, long staying Germans and half naked Russian's. There is only one other cottage occupied here so it is peaceful beyond belief.
My first morning after finally getting some sleep after my toad encounter I woke early about 5am and went outside. The sun hadn't risen yet and the sky was still heavy with morning mist and the mountains cast secretive shadows on the glassy lake.

It was just so incredibly beautiful and quiet that I felt like I was trespassing in the garden of Eden. I could not believe how fortunate I was to be here amongst all of this beauty and it made me feel so grateful for my life and the way it had evolved and changed with its ups and downs and twists and turns that had brought me to this moment.

There is a lion Sanctuary on a little island close to the Sivananda Ashram and you can hear the roars of passion from the lions all day long it doesn't do much good for your self control when you have taken a vow of celibacy I can tell you. What with that and all of the handsome men walking around half naked in their Lungi's flashing their brown muscly thighs, I have found myself having to escape to the bathroom frequently to do a cartwheel in the shower.

Sunhill came to check on me and invited me to go with him to visit his family and his temple as it was the day of a Hindu festival and he thought I may enjoy it. To be honest I was shattered after my journey from Goa and being chased my a killer toad during the night and i would have rather have chilled out on the veranda of my cottage with my yoga book but how can you say no when somebody is kind enough to invite you to meet their family and to take you to somewhere as important to them as there temple.

So off we went in Sunhill's 4x4 with Ac. We visited 2 different Temples and I was really glad I had come, it was a wonderful experience even though I was the only white person in the crowds of hundreds of people and stuck out like a sore thumb. Every body stared at me. The children were giggling to each other and whispering in each others ears and the teenage boys were draped all over each others shoulders checking out if Western woman were much different to their own and the woman just stared with amazement in their eyes as they scanned me from frizzy head to western pedicured toe.

I was introduced to so many people and everyone shook my hand and practised their English telling me their names and asking me if I was married and where were my family and why was I travelling alone. It was all a bit over whelming to be honest I felt like the whole world was waiting for me to fall flat on my face and I was finding it hard to stand up with the weight of thousand sets of brown eyes that bore into every inch of my being.
 It was a wonderful festival though full of laughter and prayer and bright vibrant costumes and wonderful spicy food so I was really glad I had gone.

I have been tucked up in bed by 9pm most nights absolutely shattered, God knows why I am doing nothing at all but I think it is the climate it drains you when you are not used to it.

I decided to take a walk up to the little temple that sits on top of the mountain beside Bio Veda. Sunhil said it was safe to go alone and would only take 10 minutes or so to get to the top but as I was leaving he decided to send Harri with me who works for him. Good bloody job he did!!!!! The 10 minute walk turned into a half hour trek up the face of a vertical cliff and then half way Harri told me I had to take my shoes off because it was a holy place so I had to struggle the rest of the way banging my toes and scratching my feet on the gravel.
It was so high and so steep and every time I looked up there was no temple in sight. In the end seeing my distress and utter fear Harri grabbed my hand and helped me step by step. I don't like heights, I wouldn't say it was a phobia but I just don't bloody like them and I would never have gone if I had of known how high it was. Ten bloody minutes indeed. Eventually out of breath and trembling with fear we reached the top. I crawled on my hands and knees over to the little temple and grabbed hold of it for dear life. I had my back pressed right up against it and wouldn't move. Harri thought it was highly amusing and told me how his little daughters run up and run down with all the little kids of the village to which I really thought about booting him over.
Eventually I gained the courage to walk slowly around the temple to enjoy the panoramic views. I know people say 'it took my breath away' but really it did. I don't think I have ever seen anything so beautiful and I have never ever been as high in my life well not on anything legal anyway.

The views were out of this world.I could see the Neyyar Dam and the cardamon hills and the tropical valleys and I could see the Sivananda Ashram were I have decided to go for two weeks. I have always wanted to go into an ashram for a while and study yoga and meditation and I am so close to Sivananda here that it really makes sense to go.
I took a few photographs and then Harri said we had better go because the sun was going down. There was no way I wanted to be walking barefoot down a cliff in the dark so I put my best foot forward. Harri had to hold my hand all the way down and it was dangerous and it was steep we were going at such a slow pace that I thought the sun would set and would rise again before I had reached the bottom.

 I was worried that I would have a panic attack and if you have ever had one then you will know it is not a nice experience and not one you would want to be having on the side of a mountain so I started chanting the Krishna Mantra, Hare Krishna Hare Krishna krishna Krishna Hare Hare Hare Rama Hare Rama Rama Rama Hare Hare. I said it over and over and over and over and I didn't dare look around I just looked at  my feet and do you know what it worked.
 I'm not saying I wasn't afraid because I was bloody petrified but concentrating on the chant and sending it up to God got me through, but was I glad when we reached the bottom, I was jumping up and down to Harri's amusement saying "Thankyou God Thankyou God".
 They all had a good laugh  back at  the Bio Veda watching Harri pressing himself against the wall in the restaurant shouting Hare Krishna Hare krishna but I didn't care, I was safe and I was happy.

I am going into the Sivananda Ashram tomorrow for 2 weeks so I won't be intouch for a while but I will fill you in on my experiances in the ashram when I complete the course. I poppped to the ashram today to make a reservation and there was some mighty fine looking gentleman walking around in their yellow Sivananda t shirts  but im going with a srubbed face hair in a verginal bun and legs constantly crossed.

Im going for god relating not dating!!!!

My arrival in Kerala & Toad in the Hole

So I finally said goodbye to Goa.

Goa was a wonderful place to start my journey of India. The beaches are golden like the fine silk thread woven into the prettiest sari's and the ocean glitters like blue topaz under a bright buttercup sun.
The people are like the food, spicy and delicious and you can not help but surrender to the aromatic, majestic energy of Goa that envelopes you in her seductive charms.

I left feeling sad because I had fallen in love with Agonda. I felt I had betrayed my old lover Palolem who I'm sure would be jealous but Agonda left me mesmerised and under it's spell from the moment my tuk tuk dropped me at the beautiful white church in the centre of town all those weeks ago.

I never expected to fall so head over heels in love with the people as I did. I thought the friends I had made in Palolem would be perhaps the favourite of my trip but the more time I spend in India the more I can see that the people are like the sunsets, every day they become more beautiful and leave you more enchanted than they did the day before.

I boarded my flight to Chennai on time and wiped my tears away as I  saw Goa disappear like a beautiful dream under a blanket of white fluffy clouds.

The flight was pleasant apart from all the throat clearing that went on. I was glad my sister wasn't on that flight she would have gone straight over to the gentleman in his creased suit and dusty sandals and grabbed him by his creased lapel and told him about himself. I know it is a cultural thing and to be honest I have lived in Egypt and God knows there is a whole lot of throat clearing and spitting and dragging lumpy matter from nasal pipes and firing it across pavements, so to be honest I had heard it all before, it is unpleasant but then again I am just an up tight chick from the west.

We touched down briefly in Bangalore to collect more throat clearer's in dusty sandals and then we were back on track for Chennai. I had a tight connection so as soon as I got off one flight I was pelting through the airport to board the next. I had been given my boarding card  already in Goa for my connecting flight so I just needed to know the gate from which I would be boarding. Well it was like trying to get blood out of a poppadom, no bugger could tell me where to go.
 My flight was on the board but there was no gate allocated. I was told by one gentleman to go and wait upstairs and watch the TV monitor. I waited for about 15 mins but still no gate allocation was showing on the board and it was 20 mins prior to departure.
I asked some young girl in a uniform and she said with a vacant look and a lot of head wiggling that she didn't know and just to wait, nice one luv. I decided to go back downstairs to where I started and noticed that my flight was nearly finished boarding through one of the gates on the ground floor, good bloody job I didn't listen to that daft bird upstairs who wouldn't know her arse from a hole in the ground.

We boarded the smallest aircraft I have ever seen in my life it looked like a hairdryer on wheels. There was a stunning air hostess, she really could have been on any catwalk in Paris, London or Milan. She was tall, slender with pale skin and perfect features. Angelina Jolie lips, Kate Moss's upturned nose, Halle Berry's cherry chocolate eyes and instantly I felt frumpy in my baggy ali barba trousers and floaty linen top.


The flight was only 1hr and 30min so before I knew it we were advised of our decent into Thiruvananthapuram Kerala. I was dead excited and was relieved that I was being met at the airport by a driver who would take me straight to Bio veda so I didn't have all the hassle of arguing over the fare with taxi driver after taxi driver that I knew would be waiting for fresh meat outside arrivals

I was told that someone would be waiting with a sign saying Bio Veda but as I came through there was no sign. There was loads of eager taxi drivers but i told them I had a friend coming to meet me and they backed away lining up their next prey. I sat down and got talking to an Indian girl who had been away in Saudi Arabia for 11 months working as a nurse. She had 2 enormous suitcases and 4 huge cardboard boxes wrapped up with orange string. I wondered if she had decided to take some camels home with her an a Bedouin tent.

She told me her whole family were coming to the airport to meet her, that they had hired a bus especially. Her mother and Father were coming her brothers sisters and their partners and children, her uncles and Aunties and grandparents and her next door neighbours and their two goats and five chickens. I was so looking forward to watching that lot arrive and tumble out of the bus to meet their very missed relative but my driver arrived so I had to say good bye.

Jose helped me into his very flash 4x4 with AC i might add and asked me to jump in the front so I could have the privilege of using his laptop. We zoomed through the streets of Thiruvananthapuram Kerala's capital with Jose pointing out temples and colonial buildings and he laughed at my jokes that it was a good trade to get rid of the British but keep the nice railway that they built.

Jose is a lovely talkative man and told me all about his life here in Kerala. He is a christian and holds a very strong position in the church. He loves God and talked with pride of the charity work he does with under privileged children in his community. He told me to look through the photos on his dash board that were of all the Karate tournaments he had taken part in. There were photos of him smashing through pieces of wood the size of 5 telephone books and smashing through wood with his head. I realised that if Jose turned out to be a kidnapper and murderer there would be no point me trying to fight him off I may as well just throw myself from the moving car right now and have done save all the hassle later.

We were met in the darkness at Bio Veda by Sunhill the owner and a man that works at the resort. Sunhill escorted me  to 'my cottage' which was nestled beside a rock face with a temple perched on its summit. We were surrounded by beautiful trees and gardens which were lit by twinkling lights
The cottage was made of mahogany wood and had a huge double bed with crisp white sheets a thick mattress and plump white pillows. It was so so pretty and I was eager to unpack my things and make my self at home. The first thing of course is placing my Roland Rat on the bed, he always checks the bed out first making sure it is up to scratch. Then once unpacked I lit some incense and a candle and sat and thanked God for my safe arrival in Kerala and for the wonderful people I had met in my first few hours.

I never sleep well anywhere the first night so I lay in the darkness listening to the sounds of the mountains, the rustle of the warm night breeze through the trees and the sound of the animals enjoying the peace of the moonlight.
I eventually slept but was woken by a lions roar. I had been told by my friends in Goa that there was a lion sanctuary on an island across the lake. I wasn't to happy that they sounded so close and so hungry and I really hoped that they were not into vegetarians as I was full of spinach and lentils and surly they would be better off with someone who had just had a nice piece of steak and I also wondered how well lions could swim.

I got up to go to the loo but couldn't find my flash light so I just used the light from my phone which was pretty dim but i didn't want the brightness of the room light as I was still half asleep. I made my way to the bathroom and was about to turn around to sit myself down when in the darkness I thought I saw  something black in the loo. Now I knew i hadn't graced the loo with anything of such a description, a chance would be a fine thing but I am still officially the only constipated person in the whole of India so I knew whatever was down there shouldn't be so I was forced to put on the light and to my horror a great big bottle green  toad was looking back at me with his bulging greedy eyes.  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I screamed and i hoped I hadn't woken the whole lion pack who would come looking for the root of the disturbance.
A bloody great big toad was jumping about in the loo and then jumped out and started jumping all over the white tiled floor chasing me away into the next room. I slammed the doors behind me and bolted them for good measure and had to relieve myself ever so gracefully into a mango juice can.

I am so glad I looked first can you imagine what could have happened had I not taken my phone with me into the bathroom, what if I had just sat my unsuspecting behind on top of the seat entrapping the toad inside the loo. Oh my god what a terrible thought he would surly want to escape and the only way out would be up it really gives a whole new meaning to Toad in the Hole!!!!!!

More fun and Ayurvedic games

My week in Agonda is flying by.

I am still eating all my meals at the little chai cafe. Fernandez and Esperita are so lovely that I have to see them everyday and they have just introduced me to their very hansom son. Good job I am leaving Saturday I can see a Shirley Valentine moment coming on.
They have invited me to their home for dinner the night before I leave just them and their hansom son and gorgeous daughter. I have promised myself to be on my best behaviour and no sneaking my grubby hand under the table to check what the hansom son keeps in his pocket.

I have done yoga everyday except one day when I didn't even bother to have a run, I couldn't even be bothered to sit on the beach, what a lazy article I just lay on my bed with the fan on listening to the ocean and thinking, I am going to lie here all day and do nothing because I can!

I have had lots of Ayurvedic massage since being in Agonda. I am going to save the heavy duty cleansing and detox treatments until I get to Kerala.

I have had the same young lady doing my treatments all week. Her name is Reshma and she is so beautiful. She is from Kerala and is just in Agonda for six months working and then goes home to her family the end of April and then eats and relaxes so she tells me during  the monsoon.
She is only young I would say about seventeen. She works seven days every week, gets up at 5am and works until 8.30pm.
She is doing massage all day which must be exhausting. I used to work as a masseuse years ago in a gym and we were only allowed to do four per shift as it is exhausting but the staff here in Bio Veda are doing massages back to back all day long, seven days a week.

I have had a scalp, shoulder and face massage everyday because I have weened myself off coffee and for four days it felt like I was being kicked in the head by a skin head wearing dock martin boots.
 I had the worst headache ever. I love coffee but I don't want to be dependent on anything but coming off it is tough, the headaches are torture.
 I can not for the life of me even begin to understand how hard it must be to come off heroin, I have watched people try and do it over the years and I think it makes my coffee withdrawal look like a teardrop in a teacup compared with their monsoon in an ocean of misery.

I haven't touched a drop of alcohol for nearly five weeks now and I want to be as healthy as I can. After years of filling my body with harmful toxins and chemicals and depriving it of sleep and love and starving it one week and stuffing it with food the next, I have decided that I must take care of this body I have been given in this life and as it is only on loan.  I would like to give it back in as good of nik as possible. Also I want to be a donor and who the hell wants to be given a wrinkled liver that looks like it has been soaking in terps for a month.

I went along the other evening for a full body Ayuvedic massage. Reshma the gorgeous goddess with waist length ebony hair and huge charcoal eyes lined with the most seductive long lashes was the lucky girl that would have the privilege of needing my thick thighs and wrestling the pounds of flesh around my body in the hope of streamlining the monstrous bulk.

I kind of knew before even getting into the room that there was going to be a tug of war between me and Reshma to get my knickers off.. It seems ironic that for years I have been trying my hardest to get my knickers off at every available opportunity and here I am with a stunning young woman begging to keep them on.
I had thought about it all day and decided that I was going to be in India for 6 months and would be having lots of treatments and once in Kerala I would be having Panchakarma which is a course of detoxing colonics so if I was going to have to allow some poor individual to stick pipes and lotions and potions up my bottom then I had better get used to getting my kit off..
So when she said "Everything off beauty" I did try to compromise my saying I was only wearing a g-string so surly that were causing no obstruction to anything as there was more material in an eye patch, but she was having none of it. I was thinking it's all right for you love all sweet seventeen, size eight with long slender limbs looking like you have just walked of a set of a Bollywood movie but I'm knocking on forty here and unless I am in a shoulder stand yoga pose then these puppies are going south.

Anyway I dropped me draws and was expecting a round of applause, but didn't get one. I had booked to have a steam first and then a massage so I hot footed in the direction of the steam cabinet hoping to get this beast inside that beast to conceal my nakedness before I caused an eclipse.
Reshma had other ideas, she grabbed be by the arm, "what are you doing beauty, no no sit down" jeepers nothing is ever staright forward.
When I worked as a therapist we would put the clients in the steam first to relax and warm the muscles prior to then being manipulated and pummled by our dear hand, but here in india it is the other way round which I can not understand because why would you want to go into the steamer when you are oiled up like a stripper just to sweat it all off. But like my dear friend Claire said when we were travelling around Cambodia, "Jacqueline when travelling in foreign lands always keep your options and your legs open" LOL LOL nice one Claire.

So my treatment was started with a scalp and neck massage, very relaxing I must say though I would have enjoyed it as lot more if every time I glanced down I didnt see my Burmuda triangle staring back up at me. With my head relaxed I was asked to 'Jump up on bed", well have you ever tried to jump up on bed with nothing on, well it's not easy to contain your modesty with no knickers on, one foot on the floor and the other  flying through the air .
I really thought it would have been appropriate to be given some sort of 'modesty towel' but not on Reshma's shift she just started oiling me up with no regard at all for the shame I was feeling. Fortuntly I was face down and it was a good bloody massage and I would have been enjoying it had I not been thinking about the fact that I would have to flip the bacon in any minute and be facing up with my lotus flower out for all to see.
Reshma proceeded to massage with real passion and vigor, for a slim girl she can pack a punch, she was effleraging with such strengh that I was grabbing on to the top of the bed in case I skidded forward on my tits straight off the bed.

I really wanted to call it a day but didn't have the guts to say stop I was worried she may have given me a back hander across the butt cheeks and every time she pushed up my legs with both hands one of her hands went straight between the crack of my ass, that cant be right surly but I was so stunned I wasn't sure if what just happened had happened or was I delirious. Had she  slipped or was it on purpose or part of the massage but I could definitely feel the side of her hand in the crease of my bottom. I thought to my self she had better take care I was that oiled up if she makes a wrong move she is a gonner, all that will be left of poor Resham in this world will be her silk scarf hanging out of my bottom, she will end her life as a human sepositry.
I was trying my hardest to keep my legs as tight together as I could, those yoga sessions had come in handy, if you had put a piece of coal up my arse you would have had a diamond in a fortnight!

Then the words I was dreading were released into the atmosphere, "Turning over beauty" I was thinking there is nothing beauty about this when it turns over, you need to get out and about more Reshma.
Reluctantly and going so slow I would probably be stopped by the police for causing an obstruction I turned over and lay down on my back. I was mortified, surly a little towel or even a serviette or even a handkerchief should have been allowed, I mean I couldn't relax and surly Reshma was fed up of the sight of overweight westeners moaning and groaning, covered in oil with their undercarriages hanging out.

Well Reshma didn't seem to mind she just happily massaged away up and down up and down and the frisky bit kept pulling my legs apart so she could get right up to the tops of my thighs, Jesus Mary and Joseph I was beginning to think that I may have accidentally booked in for a massage with a happy ending. once again every part of me was massaged apart from the bits that were safely tucked up in side.

So my Ayurvedic treatments have been quite an experience and this is only the warm up. tomorrow I leave Goa and fly to Kerala were I will start a cleansing diet and detox program under the watchful eye of another unfortunate Ayuvedic practitioner. I know it will be embarrassing and I know it wont be pretty but I didnt expect it to be a walk in the park.

So I am off to the beach now for my last laze in the sun in Goa. It has been a wonderful month of relaxation, reading, yoga, eye-opening and leg- opening treatments and I feel wonderful.


Speak soon, Be happy x

From Palolem to Agonda

So I finally left Palolem.

To be honest I was ready to leave after three weeks. I loved my yoga teacher there though she was great and I was really starting to get the hang of it so I thought I would stay with her a bit longer. I was sad on my last day, saying goodbye to all the friends I had made but I knew it was time. I was ready for the next chapter in 'My Story of India'.

I went for dinner with Dinesh and his wife Poojah the night before I left. They are both so lovely and have been very good to me. Dinesh bless him called me today to make sure I'm ok and settled in in my new place in Agonda.
We had a lovely meal we went for an Italian. Dinesh said he is fed up to his back teeth of curry because he eats it three times a day, every day of the year ha ha funny.

The restaurant is really beautiful and very Italian, lovely little tables with checked table cloths and old ladies walking around in aprons covered in flour waving their arms around. The owner is a very handsome Italian man very tall and broad. I was enjoying the view and reminiscing about my holiday to Italy a few years ago when 2 dogs came galloping into the restaurant and started fighting right next to us.
I tell you what I am half tempted to go into Chaudi and buy an AK47 because I am so fed up of the bloody dogs. Then another dog that was sat under one of the tables decided to get involved and I couldn't hear a word that Dinesh was saying over the racket. There was saliva and flees flying every where it was canine carnage in there.
Then once the owner had wrestled them out of the restaurant screaming and swearing at them in his best Italian, (I was thinking do you kiss your mother with that mouth)  a cow walks in LOL, I couldn't believe it. there I was with a mouth full of mozzarella  turn around because I can hear some daft bell ringing and there is a huge black cow with huge black eyes staring right at me.
 I mean can you imagine enjoying your dinner in TGI' Fridays and a cow walks in past the useless pratt at the door in his red and white striped top and black knee supports and waddles up to your table with a piece of grass hanging out its trap!!

I just laughed and laughed and couldn't stop. The owner was stroking her and cuddling her and I just thought once again that in my next life I am coming back as a cow, but a cow in India of course not in the west because I would end up in between two pieces of bread in the west without a moments hesitation.

On Saturday Dinesh picked me up from Parvati and drove me to Agonda, he was an hour late and I have began to realise that Indian is on the same kind of time as Jamaica, very chilled very relaxed and always late.
I'm not bothered though I can be were ever at what ever so no problem. It is nice when you finally slow down and start to relax into the local pace of life and now i don't know what day it is or what time it is because I never look at my watch apart from first thing in the morning so I don't miss my yoga class.

Dinesh organised my accommodation for me in Agonda. The owner of Bio Veda is a friend of his so I got a good deal. I have a lovely bungalow by the beach, bigger and brighter than my one in Palolem and its cheaper. Also Bio Veda is an Ayurvedic treatment centre so I planned to book my self some treatments and find another yoga teacher.

Once I had un packed all my stuff I took a stroll through the village. My first stop was Reshma's the chai shop i found the 1st time I visited Agonda. The lovely lady Esperita came running out when she saw me and walked me in chattering away about the cake she had made because I said I was coming on Saturday. I really love that little cafe. I don't know what it is, it is just a tiny little place with 3 tables and a tiny kitchen curtained off but it has so much feeling in there I just feel like I have been there before, it is just so homely and rustic and welcoming.
There is a little alter on the wall with a crucifix and candles that are burning all day and night. The tables are small with pretty tablecloths and tiny china cups and saucers.To be honest it reminds me of all the little cafes I loved in Greece. I spent years in Greece and I love the Greek people especially the older generation. It is lovely when you head up to the mountains and go into these old tavernas and they are little run down places but the food is amazing and Ya Ya (grandmother) is out in the kitchen cooking the food she has cooked there forever, well Reshma's has that feel about it.

Espaerita starts her day every morning with 6.30am mass in the village church and every evening when I go for my dinner Her and her husband Fernandez are praying under the alter. I love that about India I love the way the people love God. I think England has lost that over the years. So many of the people I know, grew up with and have worked with have no faith at all. They don't believe in God or Karma or Jesus or Buddha anything. It seems so strange to me and I cant imagine how lonely that must feel but I have always had my faith so I cant imagine my life without God.

For the last few days I have been there for breakfast lunch and dinner. For breakfast I have oatmeal which is 25 rupees which is about 35p. I have been having prunes in my oatmeal which is delicious but (and I'm sure you really want to know this) I am having the prunes because i am bloody constipated. I must be the only person ever to come to India and suffer with constipation. Where is this Delhi Belly I had been warned about, I was told I would be on the squat loo all day and would be as thin as a stick in a week. Well I am obviously not getting enough bacteria inside me because i have not had one minute of sickness of any sort and I am definitively not as thin as a stick!!!
For lunch I usually have masala chai which is tea with cinnamon and clove and nutmeg and milk and sugar which I can not believe I like but I do and one of Esperita's home made veg patti's.  For dinner i have vegetarian Thali's. Thalis is amazing I love it. Thalis is served on a metal tray, 6 small metal bowls are on the tray and are filled with 6 different vegetarian Indian specialties. Usually there is dahl and a veg curry, salad and okra in spicey gravy and today there were white beans and cauliflower in turmeric and chilli and also you get a heap of rice on the tray and a poppadom and all that is 60rupees, 83p cheap as chips!!!!

I love the food and while I'm eating they both sit there watching me smiling asking me if I'm ok and if I need more, they are so so nice I know I will be with them everyday
 I asked them if they knew what time mass was at the church in the village and they said 9am Sunday morning, also they told me that 35 children from the village were doing their Holy communion and they invited me along and because a member of their family was one of the children doing their communion they were having a party at their family home so they very kindly invited me to that too.

I was nervous about going along and i thought to my self i would have usually knocked back a couple of gins before doing something like that but I have decided I want to stay sober for my six months in India, I want to enjoy every second and to be present in every moment and to remember every detail. So along I went to the church sober as a judge.
It was a wonderful service even though I didn't have a clue what was being said I could feel the love in the atmosphere between the people. The proud parents watching their children take such an important step in their spiritual life and the Love they all shared for God.
I cried when I saw all of the children, the girls in their pretty white dresses and veils and the boys with their shiny shoes and smart trousers. Each child spoke some words of devotion I expect on the microphone in front of a packed church and I felt so happy watching them.

After the service we all made our way out of the church. Each family went back to their homes for their own family prayers and celebrations. I was the only westerner at the home of Fernandez and Esperita. Everybody stared at me but there was kindness in their eyes and smiles.
Esperita read scriptures from the Bible and then the Bible was passed around to various people in the family and then finally to the young girl that was taking her Communion. I was so impressed with how she read, she must have only have been 10yrs old, but she spoke well, strong and looked around in the eyes of her audience as she spoke. Then songs were sang and not knowing the words I just rocked back and forth in time with everyone else and I knew how honoured I was to be here in a home sharing this wonderful celebration.

We ate lots of lovely food and cake and laughed and joked and a few ladies spoke English and slowly they would make there way over to me and make conversation. I didn't take any photographs it didn't feel right to just pull the camera out and start sticking it in peoples faces.

Now I'm not saying I wish I had left Palolem sooner but I do wish I had more time here In Agonda. I love the Church and the village and most of all the closeness between the local people. Agonda is a special place and I hope some day I will come back.

Anti Social Butterfly avoiding Rabies

To be honest with you since I have been in India I have been a right anti social twat and I have loved every bloody minute of it.
I am so so enjoying the solitude and I am so happy to be traveling alone.

When I went back packing around South East Asia in 2009 on my own I was dying to meet people. I remember arriving in Kho Pagnan Thailand.  I was dying to party and have some fun so I put my back pack into my little beach hut and wandered off to the beach bar.
 On route I walked past a guy in a hammock outside his hut so I asked him if he fancied a beer that I was off to the bar to get myself one and I would gladly fetch one for his fine self. He said yes. well that as they say was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
That was how I met Mike from California he is a great guy and we spent about a week hanging out together on Kho Pagnan. We would chill out outside his bungalow in the hammocks drinking beer and getting stoned happy days. Also there was Patrick from Germany and some other dude from Austria I think but I cant really recall his name. We had some great times and one night we all did a mushroom shake. I had never had mushrooms before so I was a bit worried in case I thought I was a bird and tried to fly off things but it was great, we had such a great evening. We all sat on the beach in deck chairs looking up at the stars off our tits and there was hundreds of falling stars or at least I think there was.
 I was wearing a long skirt that was decorated in sequins and little mirrors and the boys kept asking me to dance around and around because they were tripping off the reflection of the stars shinning on the mirrors, so I obliged of course.

So yes in South east Asia I was dying for company and always up for a party but this trip really that has been the furthest thing from my mind.
I have not really mixed with any tourists, I haven't wanted to. When I sit and chill at night I sit with the Indian people I know. The waiters in the restaurants were I eat and the guys from my beach huts and of course little Sharhu from the beach shop.
The only person I spend anytime with apart form the locals is Britta. Britta is the lady I told you about in an earlier blog who has hair down to her waist and has a beautiful daughter with Afro curls and skin the colour of creamy coffee. Britta is super cool I really like her and Jamila is so cute. Britta is German and lives in Berlin, Jamila's daddy is from Tanzania in Africa he is  Rastafarian, he is back in Berlin.
The three off us went off to Agonda the other day and we chill on the beach some days here in Palolem. Britta is right up my street she is a bit of a hippie chick and I love watching her with Jamila she is a wonderful mother and they really are great company. We laugh and play in the ocean and we have lunch together and share our food and Thursday nights are live music nights so we always sit around the fire on the beach singing along together.
Apart from them to be honest I have not really spoken to anyone . I know that might make me sound like a stuck up bitch but I don't want to sit around with people drinking beer and getting high because I know I will be tempted and I know once I start I will be back on that roller coaster and I wont be able to get off until it goes crashing at full speed into a wall and leaves me devastated, depressed and wrecked.
I have been in India for 3 weeks and sober now for almost a month and I feel great. The black clouds of depression have slowly lifted day after day and now each morning I see the beautiful sunrise and I feel peace in my heart.

On Saturday I am leaving Palolem and I am moving along the coast to Agonda. It is so peaceful and quiet there and pretty that I want to stay there for a few days before leaving Goa for Kerala. I love the little village and the little cafes and I am really drawn to the church there.
I will continue with my yoga as I have really got into it and I am getting stronger and more flexible everyday. I found a yoga teacher already in Agonda so I will start there as soon as I am settled.

I feel ready to leave Palolem now. I have loved it and it is a beautiful beach and I have some wonderful memories but 3 weeks is enough. That is another thing about being sober I remember everything. For years I have been walking around in a drunken haze, like I'm wearing somebody else s spectacles. I can never remember where I have been and what I have done after a night out drinking. Whole hours just disappear from my life. Maybe this is a survival mechanism because if I could remember I would have probably have thrown myself under the Victoria train to Brixton years ago.
So it has been great waking up everyday with a clear conscience and no regrets or shame to deal with and to be able to remember every second of every day, to be present in every moment of everyday.

The only negative things about my time in Palolem is the dogs.

There are hundreds of dogs in Goa and I would say about forty dogs maybe more live on the beach at Palolem. I love animals and especially dogs but these dogs are something else. I am sure they must originate from England because the daft twats sit around all day in the sun like the English people out in the mid day sun baking themselves to an oblivion.

They are the angriest dogs I have ever come across and it does not surprise me because as i said they are out in the hot sun all day. They are fighting each other every five minutes and pulling each other to bits.
I was trying to enjoy my organic muesli the other day and there was ears and tails flying everywhere. I saw a dog today with no tail were it had been ripped off and the dog next door has had his eye ripped out and a dog a few bars down has three legs. For the love of god how is the poor sod supposed to piss up lampposts with a leg missing!!!!!!

And at night it is worse, I did not sleep a wink the first few nights in Palolem because of the flamin racket the dogs were making on the beach.
 To be honest on my first night the lovely lady in the next beach hut kept me awake all night. I don't know if the kind gentleman present was serving her a delicious meal because she kept asking for more more more and I was lying there thinking, bloody hell love your diet has gone well up the shoot on this holiday.

But apart from that it has been the dogs that have kept me awake every night. I can hear them barking and scrapping on the beach and then you hear the yelps of what ever poor bugger has been attacked and it is just canine carnage. It sounds like Battersea dogs home on acid.

After about 5 nights with no sleep I decided to go to the pharmacy in Chaudi to buy some ear plugs. I was asking the lovely old man for ear plugs but he had no idea what I was talking about. I was pointing to my ears saying 'I need to sleep help me I need to sleep' 'Oh yes madame yes madame i understand' and he handed me 2 strips of Valium and a box of diaxepan. Well blow me down, back in the day I would have had that delicious concoction straight up me left nostril before you could say Pete Doherty but there was no way I was coming to spiritual India and getting addicted to prescription drugs. I was here to detox and find God not in-tox and find Satan.

Eventually I found some ear plugs and I have had the most amazing sleep ever since. The dogs are the only down side for me. they chase me down the beach in the morning when I am doing my run and I am praying they wont bite me because rabies is rife in India and the last thing I need to be doing is foaming at the mouth it brings back to many memories of my clubbing days.

Anyway I am really happy and having a wonderful relaxing time. I eat organic food everyday, sit in the sun, run and do yoga. Every day is a blessing and I am so grateful. I am really pleased to be going to spend time in Agonda and I will be visiting the church every day.

I'm off to bed now so nite nite and don't  let the rabid dogs bite!!!!